.:MaDNeSs:.

Funny... A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four." Worlds most famous man... One day at kindergarten, the teacher says to the to the class of five-year-olds, "I'll give $2 to the child who can tell me who the most famous man who ever lived was." An Irish boy raised his hand and said, "Miss, it was St. Patrick." The teacher said, "Sorry, Sean, that's not correct." Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, "Miss, it was St. Andrew." The teacher replied, "I'm sorry, Hamish, that's not right either." Finally, a Jewish boy, Morris, raised his hand and said, "Miss, it was Jesus Christ." The teacher said, "That's absolutely right, Morris. Come up here, and I'll give you your $2." As the teacher was giving Morris his money, she said, "You know, Morris, you being Jewish, I was very surprised you said Jesus Christ." "I know, Miss," Morris replied, "in my heart I really knew it was Moses, but you know, business is business." By Dirty Deedster 02/17/02 05:33:49

I see strange people! Recently when I went to McDonald's, I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 chicken McNuggets. I asked for half a dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets." said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I asked. "We only have six, nine or twelve" was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets but I can order six?" She said "That's right". So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets. I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the lady behind me put the things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those 'dividers' that they keep by the cash register and placed it between out things so they would not get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the 'divider' looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she asked me "Do you know how much this is?" and I replied "I have changed my mind. I think I do not need to buy it now." She said "OK" and I paid her for my items and left. She had no clue to what had just happened! A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thing'. I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker but I didn't and now I can't get into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenient store] would have a battery to fit this?" I answered "Hmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" She answered "No, just this remote thing" and handed the remote and car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I said "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk." I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went back to make a sandwich! My neighbour works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question "I have got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?" Police in Radnor, Pennyslvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect was not telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed. By pacu 02/18/02 07:08:54

Rules About My Daughter.... Dont Do Any Of The Following...... Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up. Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them. Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you. Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early." Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car? Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool; places where there is darkness; places where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness; places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to invite my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka, zipped up to her throat; movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay; hockey games are okay; old folks homes are better. Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me. Rule Ten: Be afraid, Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. There is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine. By Dirty Deedster 02/17/02 05:28:50