When Harry Met Sally A Rob Reiner Film Harry Burns - Billy Crystal Sally Allbright - Meg Ryan Marie - Carrie Fisher Jess - Bruno Kirby Joe - Steven Ford Alice - Lisa Jane Persky Amanda - Michelle Nicastro Man I was sitting with my friend Arthur Cornrom in a restaurant. It was an ___ ___ cafeteria and this beautiful girl walked in and I turned to Arthur and I said, "Arthur, you see that girl? I'm going to marry her, and two weeks later we were married and it's over fifty years later and we are still married. (At the university, Harry and Amanda kissing goodbye.) Amanda I love you Harry I love you Sally (clears throat) kmm kmm... Kmm Kmm Amanda Oh, hi Sally. Sally, this is Harry Burns. Harry, this is Sally Allbright. Harry Nice to meet you. Sally You want to drive the first shift? Harry No, you're there already you can start. Sally Back's open. Amanda Call me. Harry I'll call you as soon as I get there. Amanda Oh, call me from the road. Harry I'll call you before that. Amanda I love you. Harry I love you. Sally (honks) Sorry. Harry I miss you already, huh, I miss you already. Amanda I miss you. Harry Bye. Amanda Bye. (Harry and Sally in the car, on their whay to New York) Sally I have it all figured out. It's an eighteen hour trip which breaks down into six shifts of three hours each or alternatively we could break it down by mileage. (Harry climbs to reach for something at the back-seat) Sally There's a...there's a map on the huh... visor that I've marked to show the locations so we can change shifts. Harry Grapes? Sally No, I don't like to eat between meals. (Harry spits pits out but the window was shut) Harry I'll roll down the window. Why don't you tell me the story of your life. Sally Story of my life? Harry We've got eighteen hours to kill before we hit New York. Sally The story of my life isn't even going to get us out of Chicago I mean nothing's happened to me yet. That's why I'm going to New York. Harry So something can happen to you? Sally Yes. Harry Like what? Sally I can go into journalism school to become a reporter. Harry So you can write about things that happen to other people. Sally That's one way to look at it. Harry Suppose nothing happens to you. Suppose you lived out your whole life and nothing happens you never meet anybody you never become anything and finally you die in one of those New York deaths which nobody notices for two weeks until the smell drifts into the hallway. Sally Amanda mentioned you had a dark side. Harry That's what drew her to me. Sally Your dark side. Harry Sure. Why don't you have a dark side? No you're probably one of those cheerful people who dots their eyes with little hearts. Sally I have just as much of a dark side as the next person. Harry Oh really. When I buy a new book I always read the last page first that way in case I die before I finish I know how it ends. That my friend is a dark side. Sally That doesn't mean you're deep or anything I mean... yes, basically I'm a happy person... Harry So am I. Sally ...and I don't see that there's anything wrong with that. Harry Of course not you're too busy being happy. Do you ever think about death? Sally Yes. Harry Sure you do, a fleeting thought that jumps in and out of the transient of your mind. I spend hours, I spend days... Sally And you think that makes you a better person. Harry Look, when the shit comes down I'm gonna be prepared and you're not that's all I'm saying. Sally And in the mean time you're gonna ruin your whole life waiting for it. (a while later, still in the car) Sally You're wrong. Harry I'm not wrong, he wants... Sally You're wrong. Harry ...he wants her to leave that's why he puts her on the plane. Sally I don't think she wants to stay. Harry Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy? Sally I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. I probably sound very snobbish to you but I don't. Harry You'd rather be in a passionless marriage. Sally And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia. Harry Than live with the man you've had the greatest sex of you life with, and just because he owns a bar and that is all he does. Sally Yes. And so had any woman in her right mind, woman are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie. (They pull up to a road side cafe.) Harry I understand. Sally What? What? Harry Nothing. Sally What? Harry Forget about it. Sally For.. What? Forget about what? Harry It's not important. Sally No just tell me. Harry Obviously you haven't had great sex yet. (Turns to waitress) Two please. Waitress Right over there. Sally Yes I have. Harry No you haven't. Sally It just so happens that I have had plenty of good sex. (Silence, the whole restaurant looks at Sally. Sally realises what she had done, walks carefully with a tilted head towards the table.) Harry With whom? Sally What? Harry With whom did you have this great sex? Sally I'm not going to tell you that! Harry Fine, don't tell me. Sally Shel Gordon. Harry Shel? Sheldon? No, no, you didn't have great sex with ... Sheldon. Sally I did too. Harry No you didn't. A Sheldon can do your income taxes. If you need a root canal Sheldon's your man, but humping and pumping is not Sheldon's strong suit. It's the name. Do it to me 'Sheldon', you're an animal 'Sheldon', ride me big 'Sheldon'. Doesn't work. Waitress Hi, what can I get ya? Harry I'll have a number three. Sally I'd like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode. Waitress Chef and apple a la mode. Sally But I'd like the pie heated and I don't want the ice cream on top I want it on the side and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it if not then no ice cream just whipped cream but only if it's real if it's out of a can then nothing. Waitress Not even the pie? Sally No, just the pie, but then not heated. Waitress Uh huh. Sally What? Harry Nothing, nothing. So how come you broke up with Sheldon? Sally How you know we broke up? Harry Because if you didn't break up you wouldn't be here with me, you'd be off with Sheldon the wonder-schlong. Sally First of all, I am not *with* you, and second of all it is none of your business why we broke up. Harry You're right, you're right, I don't want to know. Sally Well if you must know, it was because he was very jealous and I had these days-of-the-week underpants. Harry (imitates a wrong answer buzzer) uah! I'm sorry I need a judge's ruling on this...days-of-week underpants. Sally Yes. They had the days of the week on them and I thought they were sort of funny. And then one day Sheldon says to me, 'You never wear Sunday'. It's all suspicious, where was Sunday, where was Sunday? And I told him and he didn't believe me. Harry Why? Sally They don't make Sunday. Harry Why? Sally Because of God. (They've finished eating.) Sally (talking to herself) Ok, so fifteen percent of my share is ninety... six ninety. This leaves seven. (To Harry) What? Do I have something on my face? Harry You're a very attractive person. Sally Thank you. Harry Amanda never said how attractive you were. Sally Well may be she doesn't think I'm attractive. Harry I don't think it's a matter of opinion, empirically you are attractive. Sally Amanda is my friend. Harry So? Sally So you're going with her. Harry So? Sally So you're coming on to me! Harry No I wasn't. What? (Sally is not impressed, jaw drops, wide eyes) Harry Can't a man say a woman is attractive without it being a come-on? Alright, alright, let's just say just for the sake of argument that it was a come-on. What do you want me to do about it? I take it back, ok? I take it back. Sally You can't take it back. Harry Why not? Sally Because it's already out there. Harry Oh gees, what are we suppose to do, call the cops? It's already out there. Sally Just let it lie, ok? Harry Great! Let it lie. That's my policy. That's what I always say, let it lie. Wanna spend the night at a motel? See what I did? I didn't let it lie. Sally Harry. Harry I said I wouldn't and I didn't. Sally Harry. Harry I went the other way. Sally Harry. Harry What? Sally We are just going to be friends, ok? Harry Great! Friends! It's the best thing. (On the road once more) Harry You realise of course that we can never be friends. Sally Why not? Harry What I'm saying is... and this is not a come-on in any way, shape or form, is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally That's not true, I have a number of men friends and there's is no sex involved. Harry No you don't. Sally Yes I do. Harry No you don't. Sally Yes I do. Harry You only think you do. Sally You're saying I'm having sex with these men without my knowledge? Harry No, what I'm saying is they all want to have sex with you. Sally They do not. Harry Do too. Sally They do not. Harry Do too. Sally How do you know? Harry Because no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive, he always wants to have sex with her. Sally So you're saying that a man can be friends with a woman he finds unattractive. Harry Nuh, you pretty much wanna nail'em too. Sally What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally Well I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry Guess not. Sally That's too bad. You are the only person I knew in New York. (Louis Armstrong breaks into "You say neither, I say....". They've reached the Big Apple and are unloading Harry's luggage) Harry Thanks for the ride. Sally Yeah, it was interesting. Harry It was nice knowing you. Sally Yeah. (They shake hands) Sally Well have a nice life. Harry You too. (Luois is back with the song and it switches to another couple on a couch) Woman We fell in love in high school. Man Yeah we were... we were high school sweethearts. Woman But then after our junior year his parents moved away. Man But I never forgot her. Woman He never forgot me. Man No, her face is burned on my brain. And it was thirty four years later that I was walking down Broadway and I saw her come out of _______ . Woman And we both looked at each other, and it was just as though not a single day had gone by. Man She was just as beautiful as she was at sixteen. Woman He was just the same. He looked exactly the same. (Sally and Joe kissing in the airport, Harry walked by and saw them.) Harry Joe! I thought it was you. I thought it was you. Harry Burns. Joe Harry, Harry how're you doing? Harry Good, how're you doing? Joe I'm...fine, I'm doing fine. Harry Yeah, it's great, I was just walking by and I thought it was you and there it is, it's you! Joe Yea, yea, it was. Harry Are you still with the DA's office? Joe No I switched to the other side, what about you? Harry I work with a small firm and we do political consulting. (sociable laughs all round) Joe Oh Harry this is Sally Allbright. Harry Burns. Ah...Harry and I use to uh...we lived in the same building. (more sociable laughs) Harry Well listen I got a plane to catch, it was really good to see you Joe. Joe You too Harry. Harry Bye. (Sally nods) Sally Thank God he couldn't place me, I drove from College to New York with him five years ago and it was the longest night of my life. Joe What happened? Sally He made a pass at me and when I said no he was going with a girlfriend of mine uh... Oh God I can't even remember her name! Don't get involved with me Joe I am twenty six years old and I can't even remember the name of the girl I was such good friends with I wouldn't get involved with her boyfriend. Joe So what happened? Sally When? Joe When... when he made a pass at you and you said no and... Sally Oh, oh. I said we could just be friends. And this part I can remember he said that men and women could never really be friends. Do you think that's true? Joe No. Sally Do you have any women friends, just friends? Joe No. But I will get one if it is important to you. Sally Amanda Reese, that was her name, thank God. Joe I will miss you. I love you. Sally You do? Joe Yes. Sally I love you. (in the plane, Sally day-dreaming about something) Air Hostess And what would you like to drink? Passenger Nothing thanks. Sally Do you have any Bloody Marry mix? Air Hostess Yes. Sally Oh wait, here's what I want. Regular tomato juice, filled up about three quarters than add a splash of Bloody Marry mix, just a splash, and a little piece of lime, but on the side. Harry (from a row behind Sally) The University of Chicago right? Sally (looks at Harry, sighs) Yes. Harry Did you look this good at the University of Chicago? Sally No. Harry Did we ever uh...(makes pumping fist gesture) Sally No! No! (to man sitting on her right) We drove from Chicago to New York together after graduation. Man Would you two like to sit together? (Simultaneously...) Sally No. Harry Great! Thank you. Harry You were a good friend of umm... Sally Amanda's. I can't believe you can't remember her name. Harry What do you mean? I remember, Amanda right? Amanda Rice. Sally Reese. Harry Reese, right! That's what I said! What ever happened to her? Sally I have no idea. Harry You have no idea? You were really good friends with her. We didn't make it because you were such good friends. Sally You went with her! Harry And was it worth it? The sacrifice for a friend that you don't even keep in touch with? Sally Harry, you might not believe this but I never considered not sleeping with you a sacrifice. Harry Fair enough. Fair enough. Harry (contd) You were going to be a gymnast. Sally A journalist. Harry Right, that's what I said. And? Sally I am a journalist, I work at the news. Harry Great! And you're with Joe. Well that's great, great. You're together, what, three weeks? Sally A month, how did you know that? Harry You take someone to the Airport it's clearly the beginning of a relationship that's why I have never taken anyone to the Airport at the beginning of a relationship. Sally Why? Harry Because eventually if things move on and you don't take someone to the Airport, and I never wanted anyone to say to me, "How come you never take me to the Airport anymore?" Sally It's amazing, you look like a normal person but actually you're the Angel of Death. Harry Are you going to marry him? Sally (gasping, lost for words) We have only known each other for a month and besides neither one of us is looking to get married right now. Harry Hmm, I'm getting married. Sally You are? Harry Umm hmm. Sally *You* are. Harry Hmm, yeah. Sally Who is she? Harry Helen Helson, she is a lawyer, she's keeping her name. Sally (laughs) You're getting married. Harry Yeah. Sally (laughs some more) Harry What's so funny about that? Sally (laughs even more) It's a...well...It's just so optimistic of you Harry. Harry Well you'd be amazed what falling madly in love can do for you. Sally Well it's wonderful, it's nice to see you embracing life in this manner. Harry Yeah plus you know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing. Sally What "whole thing"? Harry The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough? Sally (In disgust) That's what you're thinking? Is that true? Harry Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem. Sally I don't have a problem! Harry Yeah you do. (Plane lands, Harry and Sally meet again on one of those motorised walkways in the Airport) Harry Staying over? Sally Yes. Harry Would you like to have dinner? (Sally looks over) Harry Just friends. Sally I thought you didn't believe men and women could be friends. Harry When did I say that? Sally On the ride to New York. Harry No no no no, I never said that. (Harry pauses, thinks.) Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people then they can. This is an amendment to the earlier rule, if the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possibilty of involvement is lifted. (Pauses) That doesn't work either because what happens then is the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from their relationship and "why do you have to go outside to get it?". Then when you say, "no no no no, it's not true nothing's missing from the relationship", the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which we probably are, I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it, which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment which is men and women can't be friends, so where does that leave us? Sally Harry. Harry What? Sally Goodbye. Harry Oh, OK. (They both start to walk along the motorised walkway, side by side) Harry I'll just stop walking, I'll let you go ahead. (Another old couple on the same couch) Man We were married forty years ago. We were married three years, we got a divorce. Then I married Margerie. Woman But first you lived with Barbara. Man Right, Barbara. But I didn't marry Barbara I married Margerie. Woman Then he got a divorce. Man Right, then I married Kitty. Woman Another divorce. Man Then a couple of years later at Atticalicio's funeral, I ran into her. I was with some girl I don't even remember. Woman Ruberta. Man Right, Ruberta. But I couldn't take my eyes off you. I remember I snuck over to her and I said... What did I say? Woman You said, "What are you doing after?" Man Right. So I ditched Ruberta, we go for a coffee, a month later we were married. Woman Thirty five years today after our first marriage. (Three women sitting outdoor at a table in a restaurant, nice view overlooking water and willow with skyscrapers faintly visible in the distance) (Five years have passed since Harry and Sally's last meeting) Marie I went through his pockets in bed. Alice Marie why do you go through his pockets? Marie You know what I found? Alice No, what? Marie They just bought a dinning room table. He and his wife just went out and spent sixteen hundred dollars on a dinning room table. Alice Where? Marie Huh... The point isn't where, Alice. The point is he's never going to leave her! Alice So what else is new you've known this for two years. Marie You're right, you're right, I know you're right. Alice Why can't you find someone single. When I was I knew lots of nice single men. There must be someone. Sally found someone. Marie Sally got the last good one. Sally Joe and I broke up. Alice What? Marie When? Sally Monday. (At the same time) Alice You waited three days to tell us? Marie You mean Joe's available? Alice Oh for God's sakes Marie don't you have any feelings about this? She's obviously upset. Sally I'm not that upset, we've been growing apart for quite a while. Marie But you guys were a couple, you had someone to go places with, you had a date on national holidays. Sally I said to myself, "You deserve more than this, you're thirty one years old..." Marie And the clock is ticking. Sally No the clock doesn't really start to tick until you're thirty six. Alice God you're in such great shape. Sally Well, I've had a few days to get use to it, and uh... I feel OK. Marie Good! Then you're ready. (Marie reaches down to bring up her card index) Alice Oh really Marie. Marie Well how else do you think you do it? (To Sally) I've got the perfect guy. I don't happen to find him attractive but you might. She doesn't have a problem with chins. Sally Marie, I'm not ready yet. Marie But you just said you were over him. Sally I *am* over him, but I'm in a mourning period. (Pauses) Who is it? Marie Alex Anderson. Sally (Disgusted) Uh! You fixed me up with him six years ago. (Alice giggles) Marie Sorry! Sally God! Marie Alright, wait, here, here we go, Ken Darmen. Sally He's been married for over a year. Marie Really. (Dog-ears the his card) Married... Oh wait, wait, wait, I got one. Sally Look, there is no point in my going out with someone I might really like *if* I met him at the right time but who right now has no chance of being anything to me but a transitional man. Marie OK, but don't wait too long. Remember what happened to David Walsaw? His wife left him and everyone said, "Give him some time, don't move in too fast." Six months later he was dead. Sally What are you saying? I should get married to someone right away in case he's about to die? Alice At least you could say you were married. Marie I'm saying, that the right man for you might be out there right now, and if you don't grab him someone else will and you'll have spend the rest of your life knowing that someone else is married to your husband. (At a football game) (We follow the Mexican wave and see Harry and Jess) Jess When did this happen? Harry Friday. Helen comes home from and she said, "I don't know if I want to be married anymore." Like it's the institution, you know, like it's nothing personal, just something she's been thinking about... in a casual way. I'm calm, I say, "Why don't we take some time to think about it, you know, don't rush into anything." Jess Yeah, right. Harry Next day she said she's thought about it, and she wants a trial separation. She just wants to try it, she says, but we can still date. Like this is supposed to cushion the blow. I mean I got married so I can stop dating. So I don't see where we can still date is any big incentive since the last thing you want to do is date your wife, who's suppose to love you, which is what I'm saying to you, that's when it occurs to me that may be... she doesn't. So I say to her, "Don't you love me anymore?" You know what she says? (Jess shakes his head) Harry "I don't know if I've ever loved you." Jess Ooo that's harsh. (They partake in the Mexican wave) Jess You don't bounce back from that right away. Harry Thanks Jess. Jess No, I'm a writer, know dialogue and that's particularly harsh. Harry Then she tells me that somebody in her office is going to South America and she can sub-let his apartment. I can't believe this, and the doorbell rings, 'I can sub-let his apartment', the words are still hanging in the air, you know, like in a balloon attached to a mouth. Jess Like in the cartoon. Harry Right. So I go to the door, and there were moving men there. Now I start to get suspicious. I say, "Helen when did you call these movers?", and she doesn't say anything. So I asked the movers, "When did this woman book you for this gig?". And they're just standing there. Three huge guys, one of them was wearing a T-shirt that says, "Don't mess with Mr. Zero." So I said, "Helen, when did you make this arrangement?". She says, "A week ago.". I said, "You've known for a week and you didn't tell me?". And she says, "I didn't want to ruin your birthday." (They do the Mexican wave again) Jess You're say Mr. Zero knew you were getting a divorce a week before you did? Harry Mr. Zero know. Jess I can't believe this! Harry I haven't told you the bad part yet. Jess What could be worse than Mr. Zero knowing. Harry It's all a lie. She's in love with somebody else, some tax attorney. She moved in with him. Jess How did you find out? Harry I followed her, I stood outside the building. Jess So humiliating. Harry Tell me about it. (Pauses) And do you know I knew? I knew the whole time that even though we were happy it was just an illusion and that one day she will kick the shit out of me. Jess Marriages don't break up on a count of infidelity. It's just a symptom that something else is wrong. Harry Oh really? Well that symptom is fucking my wife. (Marie and Sally in a book store. Second floor) Marie So I just happen to see his American Express bill. Sally What do you mean you just *happen* to see it? Marie Well, he was shaving and... there it was in his briefcase. Sally What if he came out and saw you looking through his briefcase? Marie You're missing the point, I'm telling you what I found. He just spent a hundred and twenty dollars on a new night gown for his wife. I don't think he's ever going to leave her. Sally No one thinks he's ever going to leave her. Marie You're right, you're right, I know you're right. (Marie saw Harry peering at Sally through the top of his book) Marie Someone is starring at you in personal growth. Sally I know him. You'd like him, he's married. Marie Who is he? Sally Harry Burns, he's a political consultant. Marie He's cute. Sally You think he's cute? Marie How do you know he's married. Sally 'Cos last time I saw him he was getting married. Marie When was that? Sally Six years ago. Marie So he might not be married anymore. Sally Also he's obnoxious. Marie Uh, this is just like in the movies remember when the lady vanishes and she says to meet the most obnoxious man in the world.... Sally The most contemptible. Marie And they fall madly in love. Sally Also he never remembers me. Harry Sally Allbright. Sally Hi Harry. Harry I thought it was you. Sally It is. Huh... this is Marie. (Marie is already on her way down stairs) Sally Was Marie. Harry How are you? Sally Fine! Harry How's Joe? Sally Fine. (Pauses) I hear he's fine. Harry You're not with Joe anymore? Sally We just broke up. Harry Oh, I'm sorry, that's too bad. Sally Yah...well, you know...yah. (Long pause) So, what about you? Harry I'm fine. Sally How's married life? Harry Not so good. I...I'm getting a divorce. Sally Oh, sorry. Oh I'm really sorry. Harry Yeah, well, what're you going to do. What happened with you guys? (Harry and Sally now sitting in a empty restaurant, having coffee) Sally When Joe and I started seeing each other we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together but we didn't want to get married because every time anyone we knew got married it ruined their relationship, they practically never had sex again. It's true. It's one of those secrets that no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids... actually this my girlfriend who has kids, Alice, and she and Garry never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-fact-ly. She said, they were up all night, they were both exhausted all the time, the kids just took every sexual impulse they had out of them. (Pauses) Joe and I use to talk about it and we'd say, we are so lucky we have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in, we can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I promised I'd take her to the circus, and, we were in the cab playing eye-spy. Eye-spy mailbox, eye-spy lamppost. And she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman with these two little kids and the man had one of the little kids on his shoulders and she said, "I spy a family". And I started to cry. You know I just started crying. And I went home and I said, "The thing is Joe we never fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. Harry And the kitchen floor... Sally Not once, it's this cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. Harry Umm. Sally Anyway, we talked about it for a long time and I said, "This is what I want." and he says, "Well I don't." and I said, "Well I guess it's over." and he left. And the thing is I... I feel really fine. I am over him, I mean I really am over him. And that was it for him. That was the most that he could give. And everytime I think about it I am more and more convinced that I did the right thing. Harry Boy you sound really healthy. Sally Yah. (Harry and Sally walking along in a park) Sally At least I got the apartment. Harry That's what everybody says to me too. But really what's so hard about finding an apartment? What you do is, you read the obituary column. Yeah, you find out who died, and go to the building and then you tip the doorman. What they can do to make it easier is to combine the obituaries with the real estate section. Say, then you'd have Mr. Klein died today leaving a wife, two children, and a spacious three bedroom apartment with a wood burning fireplace. (They both sound of genuine laughter) Harry You know the first time I met I really didn't like you that much. Sally I didn't like you. Harry Yeah you did, you were just so uptight then. You're much softer now. Sally You know I hate that kind of remark. It sounds like a complement but really it's an insult. Harry OK, you're still as hard as nails. Sally I just didn't want to sleep with you and you had to write it off as a character flaw instead of dealing with the possibility that it might have something to do with you. Harry What's the statute of limitation on apologies? Sally Ten years. Harry Ooo, I can just get it in under the wire. Sally Would you like to have dinner with me some time? Harry Are we becoming friends now? Sally Well... (Pause) yah. Harry Great! A woman friend... You know you may be the first attractive woman I have not wanted to sleep with in my entire life. Sally That's wonderful Harry. (New old couple again) (They "cross-talk" all the time, they kind of overlaps each other's speech) Man We were both born in the same hospital. Woman Nineteen twenty one. Man Seven days apart. Woman In the same hospital. Man We both grew up one block away from each other. Woman We both lived in tenements. Man On the lower east side. Woman On Delancey Street. Man My family moved to the Bronx when I was ten. Woman He lived on Fordham Road. Man Hers moved when she was eleven. Woman I lived on a hundred and eighty third Street. Man For six years she worked on the fifteenth floor as a nurse where I had a practice on the fourteenth floor in the very same building. Woman I worked ......(I can't figure out what she said here)...., Dr. (someone or rather). We never met. Man Never met. Woman Can you imagine that? Man You know where we met? In an elevator. In the ambassador hotel in Chicago Illanois. I rode up nine extra floors just to keep talking to her. Woman I was visiting family. He was on the third floor I was on the twelve. Nine extra floors. (A shot of Harry in the office, looking pathetically at one of those bobbing toys that seems to dip its head enough to drink from a glass of water) (The phone rings, actually the phone is from his apartment as they go about their bedtime phone conversations) (We see Harry and Sally each carrying out their everyday life. Work, shopping etc) (Voices overs) (Sally answers the phone) Sally Hello. Harry You sleeping? Sally No, I was watching Casablanca. Harry Channel please. Sally Eleven. Harry Thank you, got it. Now you're telling me you will be happier with Victor Laszlo than Humphrey Bogart? Sally When did I say that? Harry When we drove to New York. Sally I never said that, I would never have said that. Harry Alright, fine. Have it your way. (Pause) Have you been sleeping? Sally Why? Harry 'Cos I haven't been sleeping. I really miss Helen. May be I coming down with something. Last night I was up at four in the morning watching "Leave it to Beaver" in Spanish. "(Harry recites some of the Spanish dialogue from Leave it to Beaver)". I'm not well. Sally Well I went bed at seven thirty last night. I haven't don't that since the third grade. Harry Well that's the good thing about depression, gets you rest. Sally I'm not depressed. Harry OK, fine. Do you still sleep on the same side of the bed? Sally I did for a while but now I'm pretty much using the whole bed. Harry God, that's great. I feel weird when just my legs wanders over. I miss her. Sally I don't miss him, I really don't. Harry No even a little? Sally You know what I miss? I miss the idea of him. Harry May be I only miss the idea of Helen. No, I miss the whole Helen. Sally Mm, last scene. (We see them both looking at the TV, Casablanca playing) Harry Ooo, Ingrid Bergman, now she's low maintenance. Sally Low maintenance? Harry There are two kinds of women. High maintenance and low maintenance. Sally And Ingrid Bergman is low maintenance? Harry In LM, definitely. Sally Which one am I? Harry You're the worst kind. You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance. Sally I don't see that. Harry You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the Balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the Salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce, on the side. On the side is a very big thing for you. Sally Well I just want it the way I want it. Harry I know. High maintenance. (Casablanca ends with "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.") Harry Mmm, best last line of a movie ever. Sally Hmm.... Harry I'm definitely coming down with something. Probably a twenty four hour tumour they're going around. Sally You don't have a tumour. Harry How do you know? Sally If you're so worried go see a doctor. Harry No, he'll just tell me it's nothing. Sally Will you be able to sleep? Harry If not I'll be OK. Sally What will you do? Harry I'll stay up moan. May be I should practice now. (moans....) Sally Goodnight Harry. Harry Goodnight. (Both hang up the phone) (Sally's light is out) (Harry keeps moaning... and eventually lights out) (Harry and Sally walking along the street) Harry I had my dream again, where I'm making love and the Olympic judges are watching. I've nailed the compulsories so this is it, the finals. I got a nine eight from the Canadian, a perfect ten from the American, and my mother disguised as a East German judge gave me a five six. Must've been the dismount. Sally Well basically it's the same one I've been having since I was twelve. Harry What happens? Sally No it's... it's too embarrassing. Harry So tell me. Sally OK there's this guy. Harry What's he look like. Sally I don't know he just kind of faceless. Harry Faceless guy, OK, then what? Sally He rips off my clothes. Harry Then what happens? Sally And that's it. (They stop walking) Harry That's it? A faceless guy rips off your clothes and that's the sex fantasies you've been having since you were twelve. Exactly the same. Sally Well sometimes I vary it a little. Harry Which part? Sally What I'm wearing. (Harry pauses, looks away, starts walking again) Sally What? Harry Nothng. (They are now inside a building with a very tall ceiling. Museum? Gallery?) (Harry talking in a funny accent) Harry I have decided that for the rest of the day we are going to talk like this. Sally (Plays along) Like this? Harry No, please, to repeat after me. Pepper. Sally Pepper. Harry Pepper. Sally (Starting to giggle) Pepper. Harry Pepper. Sally Pepper. Harry Pepper. Sally Pepper. Harry Waiter, there is too much pepper on my paprikash. (Sally giggles some more, Harry feeding her the line again) Sally Waiter, there is too much pepper... Harry On my papricash. Sally On my papricash. Harry But I would be proud to partake of your pecan pie. Sally Oh...no. Harry But I would be proud. Sally But I would be proud. Harry To partake. Sally To partake. Harry Of your pecan, pieeee.... Sally Of your pecan, pieeee.... Harry Pecan pieeee.... Sally Pecan pieeee.... Harry Pecan pieeee.... Sally Pecan pieeee.... Harry Would you like to go to the movie with me tonight? Sally Would you like to go... would, would... Harry (Shakes his head) Not to repeat, please, to answer. Would you like to go to the movie with me tonight? Sally (Mouth opened, realises something, accent gone) Oh, oh. Well I'd love to Harry, but I... I can't. Harry (Still with accent) What to you have, a *Hot Date*? Sally Well yah, yah. Harry (Accent stops) Really? Sally Yah, well I... I was going to tell you about it but I don't know I just... I felt strange about it. Harry Why? Sally Well because we've been spending so much time together. Harry Oh I think it's great that you have a date. Sally You do? Harry Yeah. (Sally looks around nervously, may be even a bit struck by the answer!?) Harry It's that what you're going to wear? Sally Yah. Well, I... I don't know, why? Harry I think you should wear skirts more. You look really good in skirts. Sally I do? Harry Yah. (Sally is looking around again, this time the reaction is a bit more pleasant) Harry You know I have a theory that Hieroglyphics are really an ancient comic strip about a character named Sphinxie. Sally You know Harry I think you should get out there too. Harry (With accent now) Oh no I'm not ready. Sally You should. Harry I would not be good for anybody right now. Sally It's time. (They are in an apartment (I think it's Sally's) unrolling a new rug into its place.) Harry It was the most uncomfortable night of my life. Sally Oh. See no, it has to go this way. The first day back is always the toughest Harry. Harry We only had one date. How do you know it's not going to get worse? Sally How much worse can it get than finishing dinner having him reaching over pull a hair out of my head and starts flossing with it at the table? Harry We're talking dream dates compared to my horror. It started out fine, she's a very nice person, and we're sitting and we're talking at this Ethiopian restaurant that she wanted to go to. And I was making jokes, you know like, "Hey I didn't know that they had food in Ethiopia? This will be a quick meal. I'll order two empty plates and we can leave." (Sally laughed while drinking from a bottle of water) Harry Yeah, nothing from her not even a smile. So I down shift into small talk, and I asked her where she went to school and she said. "Michigan State", and this reminds me of Helen. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this mess of an anxiety attack, my heart is beating like a wild man and I start sweating like a pig. Sally Helen went to Michigan State? Harry No she went to Northwestern, but they're both big-ten schools. I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant. Sally Harry I think this takes a long time. It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going out with someone new. Harry Yah... Sally And may be longer, before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new. Harry Oh I went to bed with her. Sally You went to bed with her? Harry Sure. Sally Oh. (Harry and Jess practising their batting with coin activated pitching machine) Jess I don't understand this relationship. Harry What do you mean? Jess You enjoy being with her? Harry Yah. Jess You find her attractive? Harry Yah. Jess And you're not sleeping with her. Harry No. Jess You're afraid to let yourself be happy. Harry Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing. Kid You finish yet? Harry Hey I got a whole stack of quarters and I was here first. Kid Were not. Harry Was too. Kid Were not! Harry Was too! Kid Big jerk! Harry Little creep! (To Jess) Where was I? Jess You were growing. Harry Yeah. It's very freeing. I can say anything to her. Jess Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me? Harry Nah it's just different. It's a whole new perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women that I see. Jess You tell her about other women. Harry Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human, she actually meowed. Jess You made a woman meow? Harry Yah. That's the point, I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself. Jess You made a woman meow? (Harry and Sally at a diner) Sally So what do you do with these women, you just get up out of bed and leave? Harry Sure. Sally Well explain to me how you do it. What do you say? Harry You'd say you have an early meeting, early haircut or a squash game. Sally You don't play squash. Harry They don't know that they just met me. Sally That's disgusting. Harry I know, I feel terrible. Sally You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would noticed. Harry Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you. Sally Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women and I am a woman. Harry Hey I don't feel great about this but I don't hear anyone complaining. Sally Of course not you're out of the door too fast. Harry I think they have an OK time. Sally How do you know? Harry What do you mean how do I know? I know. Sally Because they... Harry Yes, because they... Sally And how do you know that they really... Harry What are you saying, that they fake orgasm? Sally It's possible. Harry Get outta here! Sally Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it. Harry Well they haven't faked it with me. Sally How do you know? Harry Because I know. Sally Oh, right, that's right, I forgot, you're a man. Harry What is that supposed to mean? Sally Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them and that most women at one time or another have done it so you do the math. Harry You don't think that I could tell the difference? Sally No. Harry Get outta here. Sally Ooo...Oh...Ooo... Harry Are you OK? Sally Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God...Oh yeah right there Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh...Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh... (Sally finishes, looks at Harry and smiles. Harry looks back, looking a little uneasy) Lady from another table I'll have what she's having. ("Winter Wonderland" playing in the background, scenes of Harry and Sally buying Christmas tree. Switches to them dancing at a New Year's eve party) Sally I like you without your beard, you can see your face. Harry Hey it is my face. Woow, dipping you. Sally I really want to thank you for taking me out to night. Harry Aw don't be silly. The next New Year's eve if neither one of us is with anybody, you got a date. Sally Deal. (They dance now cheek to cheek) Sally See, now we can dance cheek to cheek. Harry Mmm. Sally Mmm. (Both of them noticed they are feeling something about this moment. Just as it was getting a little 'Heavy' we hear...) Someone (Out of shot) Hey everybody! Ten seconds till New Year! Harry Want to get some air? Sally Yah. (We hear the crowd counting down the seconds, "Seven, six, five, four, three, two one, Happy New Year!" Couples around fall into embraces and gave each other New Year kisses. "Auld Lange Syne" is sung by everyone.) Harry Happy New Year. Sally Happy New Year. (They kissed, hugged, awkwardly.) (Another old couple) Woman Well, he was the head counsellor and the boys' camp and I was the head counsellor at the girls' camp, and they had a social one night, and he walked across the room. I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine, 'cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine. But he was coming to talk to me, and he said... Man I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls. Woman At that moment I knew. I knew the way you know about a good melon. (Sally and Marie walking to a restaurant. Harry and Jess doing the same thing. Harry is introducing Sally to Jess and Sally is introducing Marie to Harry at a match-making dinner) Sally You sent flowers to yourself. Marie Sixty dollars I spent on this big stupid arrangement of flowers and I wrote a card that I planned to leave on the front table Arthur would just happen to see it. Sally What did the card say? Marie "Please say yes. Love Jonathan." Sally Did it work? Marie He never even came over. He forgot this charity thing that his wife was a chairman of. He's never going to leave her! Sally Of course he isn't. Marie You're right, you're right, I know you're right. Where is this place? Sally Somewhere in the next block. Marie Uh... I can't believe I'm doing this. Sally Look, Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends and if by some chance you two hit it off then we could all still be friends in stead of drifting apart the way you do when you get involve with someone who doesn't know your friends. Marie You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur. (Sally stops walking, turns to Marie) Sally If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him I'm sure that you and I would drift apart. Marie He's never going to leave her. Sally Of course he isn't. Marie You're right, you're right, I know you're right. (Harry and Jess now) Jess I don't know about this. Harry It's just a dinner. Jess You know I've finally gone to a new place in my life where I'm comfortable with the fact that it's just me and my work. If she's so great why aren't you taking her out? Harry How many times do I have to tell you, we're just friends. Jess So you're saying she's not that attractive. Harry No, I told you she *is* attractive. Jess Yeah but you also said she has a good personality. Harry She *has* a good personality. (Jess stops walking, turns to Harry, raises his arms in the air) Harry What? Jess When someone is not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality. Harry Look, if you would ask me, "What does she look like?" and I said, "She has a good personality." That means she's not attractive. But just because I happened to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either. She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality. Jess So which one is she? Harry Attractive. Jess But not beautiful, right? (Harry walks away.) (They are now all at a table in the restaurant. Jess is telling Sally about writing. Marie is talking with Harry about something to do with hostages. Both group are not really happening at all. (and I couldn't be bothered transcripting all those cross-talk.)) (Eventually, they stopped. Long silence. All four looking uncomfortable.) Sally Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey. Marie Really. Harry Where are you from? Marie South Orange. Harry Haddenfield. Marie Ah!.... (Silence. Harry and Marie are both holding a polite smile. Then, nothing. And both turn back to the table, looking blank.) Harry So, what are we going to order? Sally Well I'm going to start with the grilled Ridigill. (Huh? Please check this.) Harry Jess, Sally is a great orderer. Not only does she always pick the best thing in the menu but she orders it in a way that the chef didn't even know how good it could be. Jess I think restaurants have become too important. Marie Mmm I agree. Restaurants are to people in the eighties what theatre was to people in the sixties. I read that in magazine. Jess I wrote that. Marie Get outta here. Jess No, I did, I wrote that. Marie I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life, that's amazing, don't you think that's amazing? And you wrote it!? Jess I also wrote "Pass those quiche for the eighties." (check that too) Marie Get over yourself! Jess I did! Marie Where did I read that? Jess New York Magazine. Harry Sally writes for New York Magazine. Marie You know that piece had a real impact on me, I mean I, I don't know that much about writing but... Jess Well, well, it spoke to you, and that pleases me. Marie I.. I mean I really.. have.. you have to admire people who can be as... that articulate. (Harry and Sally simultaneously looked at each other. They each know what's going on.) Jess Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before. (The four are walking along the street.) Marie Oh! I've been looking for a pair of red suede pumps. (In saying so Marie and Sally are in a place where they can talk, privately.) Marie What do you think of Jess? Sally Well, eh. Marie Do you think you could go out with him? Sally I don't know, eh. Marie 'Cos I feel really comfortable with him. (Sally nodding her head, may be subconsciously.) Sally You want to go out with Jess. Marie If it's alright with you. Sally Sure, sure. I'm just worried about Harry. He's very sensitive, he's going through a rough period and I... I just don't want you to reject him right now. Marie I wouldn't, I totally understand. (Harry and Jess now.) Jess If you don't think you're going to call Marie, do you mind if I call her? Harry No, no. Jess Good, good, good. Harry But for tonight you shouldn't. I mean Sally's very vulnerable right now. I mean you can call Marie, that's fine. But just wait for a week or so, huh? Don't make any moves tonight. Jess Fine, no problem, I wasn't even thinking about tonight. (Sally and Marie walks over to the guys.) Jess Well I don't really feel much like walking anymore. I think I'll get a cab. Marie I'll go with you! Jess Great! Taxi! (Jess and Marie hurried into the cab and it drives off, leaving Harry and Sally alone, again. They turn and look at each a other, a little bewildered.) (Another old couple.) (Woman nods while the man kept talking.) Man A man came to me and said, "I found nice girl for you, she lives in the next village, and she is ready for marriage." We were not suppose to meet until the wedding, but I wanted to make sure. So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree, watch her washing the clothes. I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her. But she look very nice to me. So I said, "OK." to the man. We get married. We married for fifty five years. (Four months later...) (Harry and Sally are out shopping for a gift for Marie and Jess, who are getting married.) (Harry slam dunks on a toy basketball hoop and said...) Harry I have to get this. I have to get this. Sally Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie. Harry I know, we'll find them something. There's great stuff here! Sally We should've gone to the plant store. Harry Here, perfect for them. (Harry puts a helmet on Sally.) Sally What's that? Harry Battery operated pith helmet, with fan. Sally Why is this necessary in life? Harry I don't know. (Takes the helmet off Sally's head.) Look, look at this, it also makes great fries. Oh, O-o, good, hold off the dogs, the hunt is over. Sally, this is the greatest. (Harry turns the machine on, now speaking through the microphone.) Harry Sally, please report to me. Look at this, this is the greatest, you're going to love this. This is a singing machine. Look, you sing the... the lead and it has the backup and everything. This is from Okalahoma! Here is the lyrics right here. Sally "Surrey with the fringe on top". Harry Yes, perfect. (Harry starts to sing.) Harry Ooo! Chics and ducks and geese better scurry. When I take you out in my surrey. When I take you out in my surrey with a fringe, on top. Now you. Sally (With Harry singing along.) Watch that fringe and see how it flutters. When I drive those high stepping strutters. Nosy pokes will peek through the shutters and their eyes will pop. (Sally keeps singing, Harry stopped as he saw something, or someone.) Sally The wheels are yellow the upholstery's brown and the dashboard's genuine leather. With icy glass curtains that will... (Still on the microphone.) What? It's my voice isn't it? I hate my voice. I know, it's terrible, Joe hate... Harry It's Helen. Sally (Still on the microphone.) Helen? Harry She's coming right towards me. (Helen and a man approaches.) Helen How are you Harry? Harry Fine, I'm fine. Helen This is Ira Stod. Harry Burns. Ira Harry. Harry I'm sorry. This is Sally Allbright. Helen Hillson and Ira. Ira Sally. Helen Nice to meet you. Sally Hi. Helen Well, see you. Harry Yeah, bye. Nice to meet you, Ira. Sally Are you OK? Harry Yah, I'm perfect. She looked weird, didn't she? She looked really weird, she looked very weird. Sally I've never seen her before. Harry Trust me, she looked weird. Her legs looked heavy, really, she must be retaining water. Sally Harry. Harry Believe me, the woman saved everything. (They are at a flower shop, Sally holding a bunch of flowers. Harry is starring into space.) Sally Sure you're OK? Harry Oh I'm fine. Look it had to happen at some point, in a city of eight million people you're bound to run into your ex-wife so boom, it happens, and now I'm fine. (Harry walks away.) (They reach Jess and Marie's place. They are looking at a wagon-wheel coffee table.) Jess I like it, it works. It says home to me. Marie Alright, alright. We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge. (To Harry and Sally) What do you think? Harry It's nice. Jess Case closed. Marie Of course he likes it, he's a guy. Sally? (Sally shakes her head.) Jess What's so awful about it? Marie It's so awful there's no way even to begin to explain what's so awful about it. Jess Honey, I don't object to any of your things. Marie If we had an extra room you could put all of your things including your bar stools. Jess No, honey, wait, wait, wait, honey, honey, wait, wait, wait... you don't like my bar stools? (To Harry) Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side. Marie I'm on your side, I'm just trying to help you have good taste. Jess I have good taste! Marie Everybody thinks they have good taste in a sense of humour but they couldn't possibly all have good taste. Harry You know it's funny. We started out like this, Helen and I. We had blank walls, we hung things, we picked out tiles together. Then you know what happens? Six years later you find yourself singing "Surrey with a fringe on top" in front of Ira! Sally Do we have to talk about this right now? Harry Yes, I think that right now actually is the perfect time to talk about this because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love, but you got to know, that sooner or later, you're going to be screaming at other about who's going to get this dish. This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of that's-mine-this-is-yours. Sally Harry... Harry Please, Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good, put your name in your books right now, before they get mixed up and you don't know who's is who's. Because one day, believe it or not, you'll go fifteen rounds over who's going to get this coffee table. This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers garage sale coffee table! Jess I thought you liked it. Harry I WAS BEING NICE! (Harry walks out.) Sally He just bumped into Helen. (Sally follows.) Marie I want you to know, that I will never, want that wagon wheel coffee table. (Outside, with Sally trying to talk to Harry.) Harry I know I know I shouldn't have done it. Sally Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them. Harry Oh really? Sally Yes, there are times and places for things. Harry Well the next time you're giving a lecture series on social graces would you let me know, 'cos I'll sign up. Sally Hey! You don't have to take your anger out on me. Harry Oh I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way, especially when I'm told how to live my life, by Miss Hospital-Corners. Sally What's that supposed to mean? Harry I mean nothing bothers you! You never get upset about anything! Sally Don't be ridiculous! Harry What? You never get upset about Joe. I never see that back up on you. How is that possible? Don't you experience any feelings of loss? Sally I don't have to take this crap from you! Harry If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone? Sally I see people! Harry See people, have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe? Sally What the hell does that have to do with anything? That will prove that I'm over Joe, because I fucked somebody? Harry you're going to have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you! Besides I will make love to somebody when it is 'making love', not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something! Harry Are you finished now? Sally Yes. Harry Can I say something? Sally Yes. Harry I'm sorry. I'm sorry. (Jess taking out the wagon wheel.) Jess Don't say a word. (New scene, in Jess and Marie's house, a bunch of people playing pictionary or something similar. Sally is drawing something on the white board.) Jess Uh, it's a monkey. It's a monkey, monkey see monkey do! It's... an ape, going ape! Woman It's a baby! (Sally points to her.) Jess Planet of the apes! Harry Planet of the apes? She just said it's a baby. How about planet of the dopes? Jess It doesn't look like a baby. Harry Hmm a big mouth... Mick Jagger is a baby! Jess Baby ape, baby ape! Harry Stop with the apes would you please? Woman Uh... baby's breath! Harry Rosemary's Baby's mouth! Won't you come home Bill baby! Woman Babababy...kiss the baby! Harry Melancholy baby's mouth! Jess Baba...baby fish mouth, baby fish mouth! (Out of shot fifteen seconds.) Woman Baby boom! Jess Draw something resembling anything. Woman Crying baby, kiss the baby. Harry Uh...Baby spitting up, exorcist baby! Woman Yes sir that's my baby! Harry No sir don't mean may be. (Out of shot That's it times up.) Sally Baby talk. Jess Baby talk? What's that, that's not a saying. Harry Oh but baby fish mouth is sweeping the nation. I hear them talking. Man Final score, our team one ten, you guys sixty. Sally I can't draw. Julian Nah, that's baby, and that's clearly talking. You're wonderful. Marie Alright who wants coffee? Jess I do and I love you. Woman Do you have any tea? Marie One tea. Harry Industrial strength. Sally I'll help you, (To Julian) de-caf? Julian Yes. Marie Cream. Woman Where's the bathroom? Marie Through that door down the hall. Jess (To Julian) Doesn't look like a baby to me. Julian Which part? Jess All of it. Harry Hey Jess, you were going to show me the cover of your book. Jess Oh yeah yeah, it's in the den. Look Julian, help yourself, have some... more wine or whatever you like OK? (To Harry) I like saying it's in the den, it's got a nice ring to it. (Marie and Sally in the kitchen making coffees.) Sally Emily is a little young for Harry don't you think? Marie Well she's young, but look what she's done. Sally What has she done? She makes desserts. (Harry and Jess in the den.) Harry Did Julian seem a little stuffy to you? Jess He's a good guy, you should talk to him, get to know him. Harry He's too tall to talk to. (In the kitchen.) Marie She makes thirty six hundred chocolate mousse pie a week. Sally Emily is "Aunt Emily"? (Den.) Jess He took us all to a Met game last week, it was great. Harry You all went to a Met game together? Jess Yeah, but... it was a... last minute thing. Harry But Sally hates baseball. (Kitchen.) Sally Harry doesn't even like sweets. Marie Julian is great. Sally I know, he's grown up. (Den.) Jess Emily is terrific. Harry Yeah, of course when I asked her where she was when Kennedy was shot she said, "Ted Kennedy was shot?" Jess No. (Harry is in bed, reading a new book. Flick to the last page to read the ending. Phone rings.) Harry Hello. Sally Are you alone? Harry Yeah I was just finishing a book. Sally Could you come over? Harry What's the matter? Sally He's getting married. Harry Who? Sally Joe. Harry I'll be right there. (Sally opens the door for Harry, she is covered in tears.) Sally Hi. Harry Are you alright? Sally Come on in. (Harry closes the door behind him.) Sally I'm sorry to call you so late. Harry It's alright. Sally I need a Kleenex. Harry OK. Sally OK? (They walk into Sally's bedroom.) Sally He just called me up 'wanted to see how you were', fine. 'How are you?', fine. His secretary's on vacation, everything's all backed up and he's got a big case to do, blah blah blah. And I'm sitting on the phone I'm thinking, I'm over him, I really am over him. I can't believe that I'd ever be remotely interested in any of that. And then he said I have some news. She works in his office, she's a paralegal, her name is Kimberley. (Sob, Sob.) He just met her. She's suppose to be his transitional person, she's not suppose to be the one. All this time I've been saying that he didn't want to get married, but the truth is, he didn't want to marry me. He didn't love me. Harry If you could take him back right now, would you? Sally No, but why didn't he want to marry me? What's the matter with me? Harry Aw, nothing. Sally I'm difficult. Harry You're challenging. Sally I'm too structured, I'm completely closed off. Harry But in a good way. Sally No, no, no I drove him away, and I'm going to be forty. Harry When? Sally Someday. Harry In eight years. Sally But it's there. It's just sitting there like this big dead end. And it's not the same for men. Charlie Chaplain had babies when he was seventy three. Harry Yeah but he was too old to pick them up. (Sally laughs a little, then turns into sobbing again.) Harry Aw... Come here, come here, it's going to be OK. It's going to be fine, you'll see. (Sally is sobbing all over Harry's pullover.) Harry Oh go ahead, it's not one of my favourites anyway. It's going to be OK, hmm? You're OK? OK. (Harry kisses Sally.) Harry I'll make some tea. Sally Harry, harry, could you just hold me a little longer? (They start kissing, it didn't stop and yes, it happened. They are in bed, Sally is wearing a smile, Harry is wearing a blank stare.) Sally Are you comfortable? Harry Sure. Sally Do you want something to drink or something? Harry No I'm Ok. Sally Well I'm going to get up for some water so it's really no trouble. Harry OK, water. (Sally goes to get some water. Harry examines Sally's video indexing cards.) Harry You have all the video tapes alphabetising on index cards? (Sally passes Harry the water.) Harry Thanks you. Sally Do you want to watch something? Harry No, not unless you do. Sally No, that's OK. (Sally snuggles into bed.) Sally Do you want to go to sleep? Harry OK. (The next morning. Sally is still in bed. Harry is putting on his clothes about to leave.) Sally Where are you going? Harry I gotoa go. Gotta go home, I gotta change my clothes and then I have to go to work and so do you. But after work I'd like to take out to dinner if you're free, are you free? Sally Yes. Harry Right, I'll call you later. Sally Fine. Harry Fine. (Harry kiss Sally on the forehead and leaves. Sally just watches as he leaves.) (Now we see Jess and Marie in bed. First Marie's phone rings.) Jess Yours. Marie Hello. Sally I'm sorry to call so early. Marie Are you alright? Jess I know I would've called at this hour. Sally I did something terrible. Marie What did you do? (Jess's phone rings.) Jess Now I know who I would call at this hour. Sally Uh, it's so awful. Harry I need to talk. Marie What happened? Jess What's the matter? Sally Harry came over last night. Harry I went over to Sally's last night. Sally Because I was upset that Joe was getting married. Harry And one thing led to another. Sally And before I knew it we were kissing and... Harry To make a long story short. Sally We did it. Harry We did it. Jess They did it. Marie They did it. Marie That's great Sally. Jess We've been praying for it. Marie You should've done it in the first place. Jess For months we've been saying you should do it. Marie You guys belong together. Jess It's like killing two birds with one stone. Marie It's like two wrong's make a right. Jess How was it? Marie How was it? Harry The doing part was good. Sally I thought it was good. Harry But then I felt suffocated. Sally But then I guess it wasn't. Jess Jesus I'm sorry. Marie No worries. Harry I had to get out of there. Sally He just diappeared. Harry I feel so bad. Sally I'm so embarassed. Jess I don't blame you. Marie That's horrible. Harry I think I'm coming down with something. Sally I think I'm catching a cold. Jess Look it would've been great if it worked out, but it didn't. Marie Ah, you should never go to bed with anyone when you find out your boyfriend is getting married. Harry Who's that talking? Jess Who? Sally Is that Jess on the phone? Jess It's Jane Fonda on the VCR. Marie It's Bryant Gumbel. Jess Do you want to come over for breakfast? Marie Do you want to come over for breakfast? Harry No, I'm not up to it. Sally No, I feel too awful. Marie I... I mean is so early. Jess But call me later if you want. Marie I'll call you later OK? Harry OK bye. Sally Bye. Jess Bye. Marie Bye. (All hang up their phones.) Marie God! Jess I know. Marie Tell me I'll never have to be out there again. Jess You will never have to be out there again. (Sally putting on make up.) Sally (Voice over) I'll just say we made a mistake. (Harry in the shower.) Harry (Voice over) Sally, it was a mistake. Sally (Voice over) I just hope I get to say it first. Harry (Voice over) I hope she says it before I do. (Harry and Sally at a restaurant.) Sally It was a mistake. Harry I am so relieved that you think so too. I'm not saying last night wasn't great. Sally It was. Harry Yes, it was. Sally We just never should've done it. Harry I couldn't agree more. Sally I'm so relieved. Harry Right. Sally Yah. Waiter Two mixed green salads. Harry It is so nice when you can sit with someone and not have to talk. (Sally nods in agreement.) (Harry and Jess power-walking in a park) Harry It's just like most of the time you go to bed with someone, she tells you her stories, you tell her your stories. But with Sally and me, we've already heard each other's stories, so once we went to bed, we didn't know what we were suppose to do, you know? Jess Sure Harry. (Harry and Jess in the street.) Harry I don't know. May be you get to a certain point in the relationship where it's just too late to have sex, you know? (Marie getting her wedding dress fitted. Sally is sitting down, watching.) Sally Is Harry bringing anyone to the wedding? Marie I don't think so. Sally Is he seeing anyone? Marie He was seeing this anthropologist but... Sally What did she look like? Marie Thin, pretty, big tits, your basic nightmare. (Marie turns to Sally with the dress.) Marie So, what do you think? Sally Oh Marie. Marie Tell the truth. Sally It's just beautiful. (At Marie and Jess's wedding. Harry and Sally are best-man and bridesmaid.) Priest We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Marie and Jess, and to consecrate their vows of matrimony. The vows they take join their lives, the wine their will share winds all their hopes together, and by the rings their will wear, they will be known to all as husband and wife. Sally I've never seen her so happy, she's a totally different person. Alice Oh yeah, she is, well... is great, so, what are you going to do about you? Alice's husband Hon, you want to dance? Alice Oh yeah, yeah. Harry Hi. Sally Hello. Harry Nice ceremony. Sally Beautiful. Harry Boy, the holidays are rough. Every year I just try to get from the day before Thanksgiving to the day after New Years. Sally A lot of suicides. Harry Hmm. Waiter Would you like a ___ with a shrimp? Sally Thank you. Harry (To waiter.) No. (To Sally.) How have you been? Sally Fine. Harry Are you seeing anybody? Sally Harry. Harry What? Sally I don't want to talk about this. Harry Why not? Sally I don't want to talk about it. Harry Why can't we get past this? I mean, are we going to carry this thing around forever? Sally Forever? It just happened. Harry It happened three weeks ago. (Sally with a mouth opened, eye-brows stitched.) Harry You know a year to a person is like seven years to a dog? Sally Yes. (Harry smiles, shrugs shoulders.) Sally Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario? Harry Yes. Sally Who is the dog? Harry You are. Sally I am!? I am the dog!? Harry Mmm hmm. Sally I am the dog!? I... (Sally walks away, turns around signals Harry to follow. They walk to a more private place.) Sally I don't see that Harry, if anybody is dog, you are the dog. You want to act like what happened didn't mean anything. Harry I'm not saying it didn't mean anything. I am saying is why does it have to mean everything? Sally Because it does! And you should know that better than anybody because the minute that it happened you walked right out the door. Harry I didn't walk out. Sally No, sprinted is more like it. (Sally storms into the kitchen. Harry follows.) Harry We both agreed it was a mistake. Sally The worst mistake I've ever made. (They are now in the kitchen.) Harry What do you want from me? Sally I don't want anything from you! Harry Fine. Fine, but let's just get one thing straight. I did not go over there that night to make love to you, that is not why I went there. But you looked up at me with these big weepy eyes, don't go home night Harry, hold me a little longer Harry. What was I supposed to do? Sally What are you saying, you took pity on me? Harry No, I was... Sally Fuck you! (Sally slaps Harry whole-heartedly, then storms out of the kitchen. Harry took a moment to absorb what has just happened, then follows. On stage is Jess and Marie about to make a speech. Harry and Sally have just arrived from the kitchen.) Jess Everybody could I have your attention please? I'd like to propose a toast to Harry and Sally. To Harry and Sally, if Marie or I had found either of them remotely attractive, we would not be here today. (Applause all around. Somehow the two faces aren't exactly smiling.) (Harry rings Sally leaving a message on her answering machine. Sally just got home from a lonely Christmas tree shopping, chooses not to pick up the phone.) Harry Hi, it's me. It's is the holiday season and I thought I'd just remind you that this is the season for charity and forgiveness. And although it's not widely known, it is also the season of grovelling. So if you felt like calling me back, I'd be more than happy to do the traditional Christmas grovel. Give me a call. (Harry rings again. Sally is working at home, but lets the machine answer.) Machine Hi, I'm not home right now, call you right back. Harry If you're there please pick up the phone, I really want to talk to you. The fact that you're not answering leads me to believe that you're a) Not at home. b) Home, but don't want to talk to me. Or c) Home, desperately want to talk to me, but trapped under something heavy. If it's either a) or c) call me back. (Sally looks at the machine, feeling something.) (Harry and Jess buying a hotdog from a street stall.) Harry Obviously she doesn't want to talk to me. What do I have to do, beat her over the head? If she wants to call me she'll call me. I'm through making a schmuck out of myself. (Harry is leaving another message on Sally's machine. He is singing into the phone...) Harry If you're feeling sad and lonely, there's a service I can render. Tell the one who dig you only, I can be so warm and tender. Call me, may be it's late so just, call me. Don't be afraid to just, phone moire. Call me and I'll be around... Give me a call. (Sally picks up the phone.) Sally Hi Harry. Harry Hello, hi, hi. I, I didn't... know... that you were... that you were there. What are you doing? Sally I was just on my way out. Harry Where are you going? Sally What do you want Harry? Harry Nothing, nothing. I... just called to say I'm sorry. Sally OK. (LONG and awkward silence.) Sally I gotta go. Harry Wait a second, wait a, wait a second. What are you doing for New Years? Are you going to the Tyler's party? 'Cos I don't have a date, and if you don't have a date, we always said that if neither one of us had a date, we could be together for New Years. And we... could... you know.... why don't... Sally I can't do this anymore, I am not your consolation prize. Goodbye. (Sally hangs up.) (New Years Eve. Harry is at home watching TV.) TV And here we are once again at the sixteenth annual New Year Rockin Eve coming to you live from the... Harry (Voice over) What so bad about this? You got Dick Clark, that's tradition. You got Mallomars, the greatest cookies of all time. And you're about to give the Knicks their first championship since nineteen seventy three. (Harry misses the basket.) (At the party. Sally is dancing with some guy. She doesn't look like she is enjoying herself. He spins her, twirls her, flings her towards Jess and Marie. "Don't get around much anymore" is playing.) Sally I don't know why I let you drag me into this. (Harry is now walking the empty New Years street.) Harry(Voice over) This is much better, fresh air, I have the streets all to myself. Who needs to be at a big, crowded party pretending to have a good time? Plus this is the perfect time to catch up on my window shopping. This is good. (Harry hears laughter, turns and spots a happy couple.) (Back to the party. Some guy is telling Sally a joke.) Joker So the guy says, "Read the card." (laughts.) (Sally laughs, not really getting the joke. Turns to Marie.) Sally I'm going home. Marie You'll never get a taxi. (Sally turns to the joker and laughs again.) (In the street, Harry is finishes off an ice-cream, throws it in the bin. Starts to reminisce.) Harry (Voice over) You realise of course that we can never be friends. Sally (Voice over) Why not? Harry (Voice over) What I'm saying... is that men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way. Sally (Voice over) That's not true. Harry (Voice over) No man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her. Sally (Voice over) What if they don't want to have sex with you? Harry (Voice over) Doesn't matter, because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story. Sally (Voice over) Well I guess we're not going to be friends then. Harry (Voice over) Guess not. Sally (Voice over) That's too bad. You are the only person I knew in New York. ("It had to be you" is playing in the backgraound. Harry starts running to the party. Sally is about to leave the party.) Sally I'm going. Marie It's almost midnight. Sally Well, the thought of not kissing somebody is just... Jess I'll kiss you. (Harry tries to hail a cab but they all ignore him. So he keeps running.) Jess Come one, stay, please. Sally Thanks Jess I just, I have to go. Marie Oh wait two minutes. Sally I'll cal you tomorrow. (Sally kisses Marie then walks away. Then she sees Harry arriving, still puffing. Then, Harry sees Sally as well.) Harry I've been doing a lot of thinking. And the thing is, I love you. Sally What? Harry I love you. Sally How do you expect me to respond to this? Harry How about you love me too? Sally How about I'm leaving. Harry Doesn't what I said mean anything to you? Sally I'm sorry Harry, I know it's New Years Eve, I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me and expect that to make everything alright. It doesn't work this way. Harry Well how does it work? Sally I don't know but not this way. Harry Well how about this way. I love that you get cold when it's seventy one degrees out, I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich, I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts, I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes and I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Years Eve. I came here tonight because when you realise you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of the life to start as soon as possible. Sally You see, that is just like you Harry. You say things like that and you make it impossible for me to hate you. And I hate you Harry... I really hate you. I hate you. (They kiss and make up.) Harry What does this song mean? For my whole life I don't know what this song means. I mean, 'Should old acquaintance be forgot". Does that mean we should forget old acquaintances or does it mean if we happen to forget them we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them!? Sally Well may be it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something. Anyway it's about old friends. (They kiss and make up, once more.) Harry (Voice over) The first time we met we hated each other. Sally (Voice over) No, you didn't hate me, I hated you. And the second time we met you didn't even remember me. Harry (Voice over) I did too, I remembered you. The third time we met, we became friends. Sally (Voice over) We were friends for a long time. Harry (Voice over) And then we weren't. Sally (Voice over) And then we fell in love. (Harry and Sally on the couch this time.) Sally Three months later we got married. Harry Yeah it only took three months. Sally Twelve years and three months. Harry We had this... we had a really wonderful wedding. Sally It was a, it really was, it was a wonderful wedding. Harry Yeah, we had this enormous coconut cake. Sally Huge coconut cake, with the, with the... tiers and this... very rich chocolate sauce on the side. Harry Right, 'cos not everybody like it on the cake 'cos it makes it very soggy. Sally Particularly the coconut, soaks up a lot of that stuff, so you really... it's important to keep it on the side. Harry Right. THE END