• A dressage test is a test of your skill against another competitor's luck.
• Dressage is about achieving an harmonious working relationship with your horse, whose only idea of harmony is eating grass in a field.
• If you want to end a drought or dry spell, wear a new jacket and Patey hat to an outdoor arena.
• Untalented, difficult, aggressive horses have robust health and long lives.
• Talented tractable horses are accident prone.
• You will ride the best test of your entire life just prior to being disqualified for not wearing your gloves.
• Horses do not improve their paces because you are wearing expensive German jodhpurs.
• If you chose a disco theme for your dressage to music test then the judge will not be less than 90 years of age.
• The less skilled the rider, the more likely they are to share their ideas and advice on riding a test.
• If you are considering the services of a horse clairvoyant to help you with training then you have reached the point of total desperation - try the German jodhpurs instead.
• If you fall off your horse in the arena you will have paid to have the test videoed.
• If you are feeling confident before a show then three of the British team and one leading eventer will turn up to give their young horses some "experience."
• Your horse will perform its best piaffe ever when you ask for extended canter.
• No one cheats at dressage because no one has worked out how to.
• It is surprisingly easy to end a test with a perfect square halt once you have scored a four for every other movement.

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