South Park:
Bigger, Longer and Uncut

By
Trey Parker
Matt Stone
&
Pam Brady

Eighth Draft

January 21, 1999

        FADE IN:

        Very happy, Disneyesque MUSIC swirls in.

        PAN DOWN from a pretty blue sky, to a small quaint town
        nestled in the hills. A wooden sign tells us this is South
        Park.

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

        Birds fly into the air, TOWNSPEOPLE smile to each other as
        they walk by.

        It is a scene reminiscent of, if not directly ripped off
        from, the opening number of 'Beauty and the Beast'.

        A little eight year old boy walks happily down the street. He
        is STAN MARSH, a noble looking boy with piercing blue eyes
        and a strong chin. As he walks, he sings a happy song.

                             STAN
                   I'm going to the movies
                   To see the brighter side of life!
                   I'm going to the movie
                   Everything's gonna be alright!
                   Forget all my troubles
                   Put my own life on hold
                   Let a studio tell me
                   how I should view the world
                   Where everything works out
                   I love it that way
                   I'm going to the movies
                   The movies today!

        Stan merrily walks up to a crappy looking house.

        INT. BEDROOM - MORNING

        We are in a young boy's bedroom, just as his alarm clock goes
        off. BRRRRRTTT!!!

                             RADIO ANNOUNCER
                   Good morning South Park! It's five-thirty
                   a.m. on Sunday!! Time to feed the horses
                   and water the cows!!

        From the back, we see the blond haired kid sit up from his
        bed. He stretches, and then walks over to his closet.

        We still only see the boy from the back as he reaches in his
        closet and pulls out an orange coat.

        The kid puts his coat on, then turns to camera and pulls the
        hood shut, so that we never get a good look at his face.

                             MOTHER (O.S.)
                   KENNY! YOU'RE GONNA BE LATE FOR CHURCH!!!

        This boy's name is KENNY, and under his orange coat, we have
        no idea what he looks like, except for his European nose and
        hazel eyes.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm!

        INT. KENNY'S HOUSE - KITCHEN

        Kenny walks through his small, dirty house and into the
        kitchen, where his MOTHER, FATHER and OLDER BROTHER are
        sitting at the humble table.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Sit down, you can share some of your
                   brother's waffle.

        The doorbell rings. Kenny walks over to the door.

        EXT. KENNY'S HOUSE - DAY

        Kenny opens the door to find Stan.

                             STAN
                   Kenny! The Terrance and Phillip movie is
                   out! You wanna come?!

        Stan shows Kenny a newspaper clipping. It's an ad for the new
        Terrance and Phillip movie 'Asses of fire'. Kenny's eyes
        light up.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm, rmph!

        Kenny walks away with Stan. His mother comes out after him.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Kenny! Where're you going?

                             KENNY
                   Mph mprh mprh rm!

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   What do you mean you don't want to go to
                   church?

                             KENNY
                   Mrmph, rmph rmph rm rmph.

        Kenny and Stan walk down the street.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Well fine, go ahead and miss church!! And
                   then when you die and go to hell you can
                   ANSWER TO SATAN!!

        Dramatic MUSIC STING. Kenny stops, thinks for a minute... And
        then walks off with Stan anyway.

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

        Stan and Kenny now both happily march down the street to the
        happy beat.

        TOM, a plastic surgeon, peeps his head out the door of his
        Rhinoplasty office.

                             TOM
                   Say, where are you boys going?

                             STAN
                   We're going to the movies!
                   To see the brighter side of life!
                   Where everyone is beautiful
                   And have their hair combed just
                   right!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rm!
                   Mph rm rmph rm!
                   Mprh rm rmph rm rm
                   Rmph rm rmph rm rmph!

                             TOM
                   Have fun you rascals!

        EXT. KYLE'S HOUSE - DAY

        Kenny and Stan knock at the door.

        A handsome eight year old Semite, KYLE, answers the door.

                             KYLE
                   Hey, dudes... Aren't you supposed to go
                   to church, Kenny?

                             STAN
                   Kyle, check it out.

        Kenny holds up the newspaper clipping.

                             KYLE
                   OH MY GOD, DUDE!!!

        Kyle slips on his coat and heads out the door. But just then,
        Kyle's little brother, IKE, a two year old adopted Canadian
        boy bounces up next to him.

                             KYLE
                   No, Ike! You can't come with me!

        Kyle's MOTHER, a big fat bitch, comes to the door and yells.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Kyle, you take your little brother out to
                   play with you!

                             KYLE
                   Aw, ma!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Do as I say, Kyle!

        Kyle's mother closes the door.

                             KYLE
                   Damn it!!

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

        Now the three boys, and little Ike, merrily strut down the
        street and sing in unison.

                             BOYS
                   We're going to the movies
                   To see the better side of life
                   Where something interesting happens
                   Every day and night!

                             KYLE
                   In movies we can pretend
                   That love is real
                   and good always wins-

                             STAN
                   We can even make believe marriages
                   last!

        A HOMELESS guy is lying in the alley.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Spare a dollar? Spare a dollar?

        Stan walks by and throws a dollar at him. The homeless guy
        suddenly jumps up.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   I'm going to the movies!
                   To see the brighter side of life!
                   I'm going to the movies
                   Everything's gonna be alright!
                   Forget my troubles
                   Put my own life on hold
                   Let a studio tell me
                   how to view the world!

                             KYLE
                   Let's go get fat ass!

        EXT. ANOTHER HOUSE - DAY

        This house looks just like all the others.

        INT. THAT SAME HOUSE

        CLOSE UP on a bag that reads 'CHEESY POOFS'. A hand reaches
        into the bag, pulls out a wad of orange crunchies and raises
        them --

        BOOM UP to reveal the fat face of eight year old ERIC CARTMAN
        who chows down on the chips.

        Now we see that fat little Eric is sitting on his couch,
        eating Cheesy Poofs and watching television.

        The doorbell rings. Cartman doesn't move a muscle.

                             CARTMAN
                   MOM! SOMEBODY'S AT THE DOOR!

        CARTMAN'S MOTHER enters. She is extremely June Cleaveresque
        (except that she's a hermaphrodite crack whore). She returns
        with Stan, Kyle and Kenny.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Look, Eric it's your little friends.

                             CARTMAN
                   What the hell are you guys doing here?

                             IKE
                   Baba turtre bad!

        Kyle holds up the newspaper ad.

                             CARTMAN
                   Ooh!

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

        Now all four boys are merrily walking down the street and
        singing.

                             BOYS
                   We're going to the movies
                   To see the better side of life!

                             CARTMAN
                   Maybe there'll be pirates!
                   Or a whole city burnin'!
                   Maybe we'll see a monster
                   Or, better yet, Uma Thurman!

                             BOYS
                   We're going to the movies!
                   Everything's gonna be okay!

        The boys skip out of frame.

        EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

        The movie theatre is nestled neatly between two other South
        Park buildings.

        The boys walk up to the geeky, teenage TICKET GUY.

                             BOYS
                   Going to the movies!
                   The movies today!!!!!

                             STAN
                   Can I get five tickets to Terrance and
                   Phillip Asses of Fire, please?

                             TICKET GUY
                   No.

        Suddenly, all the happy music that has permeated the film
        comes to an ABRUPT HALT.

        The boys look confused.

                             KYLE
                   What'dya mean, no?

                             TICKET GUY
                   Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire is
                   rated 'R'. You kids can't get in.

        The boys look shocked. They just stand there, in silence.

                             CARTMAN
                   The hell we can't! My money is just as
                   good as any white person's!

                             TICKET GUY
                   You have to be accompanied by a parent or
                   guardian.

                             KYLE
                   But why?

                             TICKET GUY
                   Because this movie has naughty language,
                   and it might make you kids start using
                   bad words.

                             CARTMAN
                   Listen you son of a bitch, if you don't
                   let us in to see this movie I'm gonna
                   kick you square in the nuts.

                             TICKET GUY
                   Sorry, Charlie.

                             KYLE
                   Damn it!

                             TICKET GUY
                   Next, please?

        A few TEENAGERS walk up to get their tickets. The boys step
        aside.

                             STAN
                   This is terrible! This can't be
                   happening!!

                             KYLE
                   We HAVE to see this movie, dude!

                             CARTMAN
                   Aw, screw it. It probably isn't all that
                   good anyway.

                             KYLE
                   Cartman! What the hell are you talking
                   about?! You LOVE Terrance and Philiip!

                             CARTMAN
                   Yeah, but the animation's all crappy - it
                   probably can't sustain itself over ninety
                   minutes.

                             IKE
                   Poo baba!

                             STAN
                   Wait! I've got an idea!

        EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - A LITTLE LATER

        The old Homeless guy from the intro song walks up to the
        Ticket Guy with the boys.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Uh, hi. I want five tickets to Terrance
                   and Phillip Asses of Fire.

                             TICKET GUY
                   You realize this movie is rated R? It may
                   not be appropriate for your little ones.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Oh.
                       (Turning to boys)
                   Hey, he says this movie isn't appropriate
                   for you.

                             STAN
                       (Whispering)
                   Look, homeless guy, if you don't want to
                   buy us tickets, and NOT get your ten
                   bucks and NOT go buy yourself a bottle of
                   Vodka and not forget about how miserable
                   your life is and not stop the voices in
                   your head then go right ahead.

                             HOMELESS GUY
                   Five tickets please.

        The Ticket guy suspiciously hands them over.

        INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY

        The boys are all sitting in the front row. Cartman has a huge
        tub of popcorn, all kinds of candy, and a large drink.

                             IKE
                   Purpre mama!

                             KYLE
                   Be quiet, Ike! The movie's starting!

        ANGLE - MOVIE SCREEN

        A TITLE reads 'Terrance and Phillip - Asses of Fire'

                             BOYS
                   HOORAY!!!

        On the screen, we come across PHILLIP, a very handsome
        Canadian star with a great body.

                             PHILLIP
                   Say Terrance, what did the Spanish Priest
                   say to the Uranian gynecologist?

        PAN OVER to TERRANCE, who is also Canadian, and equally
        handsome in a more rugged way.

                             TERRANCE
                   I don't know, Phillip, what?

        Phillip rips a big fart. Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

        ANGLE - BOYS

        Laughing their asses off.

                             KYLE
                   That was sweet!

                             STAN
                   Where do they come up with this stuff?!

                             CARTMAN
                   How come Terrance and Phillip are so
                   weird looking?

                             KYLE
                   Cuz, dummy they're Canadian, just like
                   Ike!

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh.

                             IKE
                   Poo bada!

        ANGLE - SCREEN

                             TERRANCE
                   You're such a pigfucker, Phillip!

                             PHILLIP
                   What?! Why would you call me a
                   pigfucker?!

                             TERRANCE
                   Well, let's see... First of all, you fuck
                   pigs.

                             PHILLIP
                   Oh yeah!

        Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

        ANGLE - BOYS

                             KYLE
                   Woa, dude! Did they say what I think they
                   said?

        ANGLE - SCREEN

        Terrance pulls out a white envelope.

                             TERRANCE
                   Well, fuck my ass and call me a bitch, I
                   just got a letter!

                             PHILLIP
                   A letter from who, you shit sucking cock
                   master?

        TRACK IN on the boys' wide eyed faces as the dialogue from
        the film enters their innocent ears.

                             TERRANCE
                   It's from your mother.

                             PHILLIP
                   My mother sent YOU a letter? What's it
                   say?

                             TERRANCE
                   It says 'Dear Terrance, please don't ever
                   tell my son that I licked your hairy
                   balls.'

        Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

                             PHILLIP
                   Oh, you fucking ball whore!

        The boys don't laugh, they just smile widely, they seem busy
        taking it all in.

                             CARTMAN
                   Wow... Ball whore...

                             TERRANCE
                   Listen, you donkey raping shit eater-

                             KYLE
                       (To himself)
                   Donkey raping shit eater.

                             IKE
                   Doky maping she deeder!!!

                             TERRANCE
                   You'd fuck your uncle!

                             PHILLIP
                   YOU'D fuck your uncle!

                             TERRANCE
                       (Singing)
                   Shut your fucking face,
                   Unclefucka!!
                   You're an asslicking, Ball sucking
                   Unclefucka!!
                   You're an Unclefucka, yes it's true
                   Nobody fucks Uncles quite like you-

                             PHILLIP
                   SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE!!
                   UNCLEFUCKA!!!
                   YOU'RE the one that fucked your
                   Uncle, UNCLEFUCKA!!!
                   You don't eat, or sleep or mow the
                   lawn
                   You just fuck your Uncle all day
                   long!

                             TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                   Shut your fucking face, Unclefucka!
                   You butt licking bastard
                   Unclefucka!

                             TERRANCE
                   You're an Unclefucka I must say!

                             PHILLIP
                   You fucked YOUR Uncle yesterday!

                             TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                   Unclefucka!  That's YOUUUUUUU!!!!!

        The song ends and the boys erupt into applause.

        EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

        The boys walk out of the theatre with glazed eyes and wide
        smiles.

                             KYLE
                   Dude, that movie was fucking sweet!

                             CARTMAN
                   You bet your fucking ass it was!

                             STAN
                   Fuck, dude, I wanna be just like Terrance
                   and Phillip!

                             TICKET GUY
                   Hey wait a minute... Where's your
                   guardian?

                             STAN
                   Huh?

                             TICKET GUY
                   I knew it! You PAID a homeless guy to get
                   you in, didn't you!

        The boys think a second.

                             CARTMAN
                   Suck my balls.

                             KYLE
                   Yeah,
                       (Singing)
                   Shut your fucking face,
                   Unclefucka!!

        The boys walk away, merrily. The ticket guy is in shock.

                             TICKET GUY
                   Oh oh, I'm in trouble.

                             BOYS
                       (Singing, fading off)
                   You're an asslicking, ball sucking
                   Unclefucka!!

        EXT. STARK'S POND - DAY

        All the children of South Park are gathered at the pond for
        ice skating.

        The scene is reminiscent of the skating scene from the
        Charlie Brown Christmas special.

        Delicate snowflakes fall, children laugh and skate, and
        joyous music plays.

        The boys walk up to the pond.

                             CLYDE
                   Hey, where have you guys been all day?

                             STAN
                   Oh, nowhere... We just went out to go see
                   the TERRANCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE!

        All the kids gasp! Dramatic MUSIC STING.

                             BEBE
                   You saw it?!

                             CLYDE
                   How'd you get in?!

        Suddenly, all the kids are gathered around the boys. They're
        like celebrities.

                             CARTMAN
                   Hey! Stop crowding us you shitfaced
                   cockmasters!

        All the kids stop, wide eyed. As if they've just hear the
        voice of God.

                             KIDS
                   Wowwww...

                             STAN
                   Yeah, you're all a bunch of ass ramming
                   unclefuckers.

                             KIDS
                   Ooooohhh!!!

                             CLYDE
                        (To another kid)
                   We HAVE to see this movie, dude.

        The other kids nod.

                             CARTMAN
                   Hey Stan, tell 'em about when Terrance
                   called Phillip a testicle shitting rectal
                   wart! Stan? Stan?

        But Stan is elsewhere, because out on the ice, skating
        gracefully, is little eight year old WENDY TESTABURGER.

        The heavens part, a CHOIR OF ANGELS sing, as Wendy skates
        around and around, performing a series of impossible Triple
        Lutzes, Sowcows and what-have-you-not's.

        All the animals of the forest -- deer, birds, bunnies -- all
        stop to admire her.

        Stan's smile grows wider and wider. Kyle turns to see what
        he's looking at.

                             STAN
                   Thank my lucky stars
                   Here before me now
                   Is everything I'd ever hoped for
                   Knew it in a word
                   Saw it in a glance
                   The only thing I think I'd die
                   for...

                             KYLE
                   Aw, God Damn it, he's singing that
                   fucking song again.

        ANGLE - WENDY

        Spinning and soaring in slo-mo.  Effortlessly covering every
        inch of the pond with her ballet maneuvers.

        Stan is slack-jawed.

                             STAN
                   I can't stop now
                   My heart's awake
                   I pray her arms
                   my arms to take
                   So this is why I'm ali-

        Wendy finishes her routine with a triumphant Hamill-camel
        landing right in front of Stan and spraying ice in his face
        and abruptly ending his song.

                             WENDY
                   Hi, Stan!

        Stan vomits profusely all over himself.

                             WENDY
                   Ew! Gross!

        Just then, another kid skates up, spraying more ice in Stan's
        face. His name is GREGORY, and he is a very handsome eight
        year old boy, with golden hair and an open-buttoned shirt. He
        speaks with a rich English accent.

                             GREGORY
                   Come, Wendy, let us try to jump the hilly
                   brush.

        Stan looks at Gregory.

                             STAN
                   Who are you, kid?

                             GREGORY
                   My name is Gregory. I have been Wendy's
                   counter-cousin for some time.

                             WENDY
                   Want to skate with us?

                             GREGORY
                   We've been skating all morning. And
                   laughing and talking of memories past.

        Gregory skates away. Stan looks stunned. Finally, he tries to
        get Wendy's attention.

                             STAN
                   We saw the Terrance and Phillip movie!

                             WENDY
                   That's nice, Stan.

        Wendy skates after Gregory. Stan looks completely rejected.

                             KYLE
                   Woa, dude, who's your girlfriend's new
                   guy?

                             STAN
                   She's not my girlfriend, dude!

        Meanwhile, the schoolkids are all still gathered around
        Cartman.

                             CARTMAN
                   Yes, I saw the Terrance and Phillip
                   movie. Who wants to touch me?  I said,
                   "Who wants to touch me?!"

        A small boy steps forward and tentatively touches Cartman's
        arm.

                             SMALL BOY
                   Oooooh...

        EXT. SOUTH PARK - TOWN - MORNING

        Establishing shot of the little town of South Park which
        consists of four buildings. The sun rises in the background.

        It's a brand new day.

        EXT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

        The elementary school is nestled peacefully between two
        mountain peaks.

        INT. SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

        The kids of South Park are all in their seats, singing.

                             KIDS
                   Shut your fucking face,
                   Unclefucka!!
                   You're a shitsucking, cocksucking
                   Unclefucka!!

        The door opens, and suddenly the kids quiet down.

        CLOSE-UP on a hand puppet with a large red hat. It seems to
        be speaking.

                             MR. HAT
                   Okay, children, let's take our seats.

        As the voice continues, we PULL BACK to reveal that the
        puppet is on the right hand of MR. GARRISON, a forty-six year
        old teacher who is in denial about his homosexuality.

                             MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
                   We have a lot to learn and precious
                   little time.

        Garrison looks over the class and notices that every single
        one of them is wearing a Terrance and Phillip T-shirt,
        except, of course, for Wendy.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Why is everyone wearing T-shirts of
                   Sigfried and Roy?

                             KYLE
                   It's not Sigried and Roy, Mr. Garrison,
                   it's Terrance and Phillip.

                             KIDS
                   TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!

        Stan looks over at Wendy. She just rolls her eyes. Stan
        sulks.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Well, anyway... Today children, our
                   friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us all
                   about the environment.

                             MR. GARRISON (AS MR. HAT)
                   That's right, Mr. Garrison. The
                   environment is what surrounds us. It is
                   what we live and breathe.

                             CARTMAN
                   I hate the environment.

                             KYLE
                   Dude, how can you hate the environment?

                             CARTMAN
                   'Cuz, dude, it's all sticky and airy and
                   fragile and stuff. I fucking hate it.

        The kids all GASP!

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Eric! Did you just say the "F" word?

                             CARTMAN
                   Fragile?

                             KYLE
                   No, he's talking about fuck, dude. You
                   can't say fuck in front of Mr. Garrison.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Kyle!

                             CARTMAN
                   Why the fuck not?

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Eric!

                             STAN
                   Dude, you just said fuck again.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Stanly!

                             KENNY
                   Mph.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Kenny!

                             CARTMAN
                   That's bullshit! If Terrance and Phillip
                   can say something, I should be able to
                   say it too!

                             BEBE
                   Wow, Cartman's cool!

                             CLYDE
                   He's like Terrance and Phillip!

        Cartman gloats proudly.

                             CARTMAN
                   Fuckin' a right.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   How would you like to go to the
                   principal's office?

                             CARTMAN
                   How would you like to gargle rat jiz?

        Mr. Garrison is in shock.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   WHAT DID YOU SAY?!?!

                             CARTMAN
                   I said -

        Cartman takes out a megaphone, hits the switch and puts it
        to his mouth. It feeds back horribly.

                             CARTMAN
                        (Through megaphone)
                   HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO GARGLE RAT JIZ?!

        Garrison is floored.

                             KYLE
                   Oh, dude we are fucked now.

        INT. PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE - DAY

        The boys are seated in front of the Principal's desk.

                             STAN
                   Now remember, don't tell anybody we saw
                   the Terrance and Phillip movie!

                             KYLE
                   Yeah, let's swear we won't tell!

        Just then, the Principal walks in. She is PRINCIPAL VICTORIA,
        a frizzy haired woman of about forty.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   I am VERY disappointed in you boys!
                   You should be ASHAMED of yourselves! I've
                   already called in your parents, but first
                   I want you to THINK about what you've
                   done.

                              CARTMAN
                   Principal Victoria, can I ask a question?

                             PRINCPAL VICTORIA
                   What?

                             CARTMAN
                   What's the big fucking deal?

                             STAN
                   Yeah.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   AGH!! I want to know where you heard
                   these horrific obscenities!

        The boys look at each other.

                             STAN
                   Nowhere.

                             KYLE
                   I'VE heard them from Mr. Garrison a few
                   times before...

                             STAN
                   Yeah!

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Boys, I seriously doubt that Mr. Garrison
                   ever said-
                        (Reading)
                   'Eat penguin shit you cum sucking ass
                   spelunker' in school!

        The boys all laugh.

        But then the door opens and in walks Stan's mother, Kyle's
        mother, Cartman's mother and Kenny's mother.

                             STAN
                   Oh, oh...

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Thank you all for coming on such short
                   notice. As you can see, your boys are all
                   being disciplined.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   This just isn't like you, Stanley!

        Stan looks down at the floor.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What did my son say, Principal Victoria?
                   Did he say the S word?

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   No, it was worse than that...

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                        (Gasping)
                   The F word?!

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   No, worse. Here's a short list of the
                   things they've been saying.

        The mothers look over the sheet of paper. Immediately, their
        eyes bulge.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   Oh dear God...

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What is 'fisting'?

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   That's when the fist is inserted into the
                   anus or vagina for sexual pleasure.

        The two moms stare at Ms. Cartman.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   What?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                        (To Kyle)
                   Young man, you will tell Peincipal
                   Victoria THIS INSTANT where you heard all
                   these horrible phrases!

                             KYLE
                   I can't dude! We all took a sacred oath,
                   and swore ourselves to secrecy!

                             CARTMAN
                   It was the Terrance and Phllip movie!

                             STAN
                   Dude!

                             CARTMAN
                   What? Fuck you guys, I wanna get out of
                   here.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Terrance and Phillip MOVIE?! Oy gevalt!
                   Not again!

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   What is Terrance and Phillip?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Terrance and Phillip are two VERY
                   untalented, unfunny actors from Canada.
                   Their TV show is filled with toilet humor
                   and bad language and is just complete
                   garbage.  Now it appears they have a
                   movie and I'm positive it's not suitable
                   for children!

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Well, it looks like I'll have to send a
                   warning letter out to parents. I have to
                   put a stop to this before MORE children
                   see 'Terrance and Phillip'.

                             CARTMAN
                   Everybody's already fucking seen it.

                             MS. CARTMAN
                   Eric!

                             CARTMAN
                   I'm sorry! I can't help it!! That movie
                   has warped my fragile little mind.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Alright, boys, that's enough. Get out and
                   let us adults speak.

        The boys get up and walk out. Kyle's mother slams the door
        behind them.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   We must take action on this immediately.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Ooh yes. I think we'll have to give
                   detention to those boys.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Forgive me for saying so, Principal
                   Victoria, but your methods are too...
                   Shall we say... soft?  As head of the
                   PTA, I am exercising my right under
                   article 42 of the PTA code.

        A look of shock comes over the principal's face.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Article 42!  You don't mean-?!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Yes Principal Victoria.  The PTA is
                   impeaching you.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   But I-

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   You are officially relieved of your
                   duties as principal of this school!

        Kyle's mother sits herself down at Principal Victoria's desk.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Get out of that chair! The PTA is in
                   charge now!

        INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

        The other school kids are in line for lunch.

        Just then, the Kyle's mother's voice comes blaring through
        the P.A.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Attention students. We are now enforcing
                   a new dress code at South Park
                   Elementary. Terrance and Phillip shirts
                   are NO LONGER ALLOWED IN SCHOOL. Anyone
                   wearing a Terrance and Phillip shirt is
                   to be SENT HOME IMMEDIATELY.

        The kids look down. They're all wearing Terrance and Phillip
        shirts.

                             KIDS
                   HOOORAY!!!

        The kids all cheer and run out the door. Leaving the
        cafeteria absolutely empty... Except for Wendy.

                             WENDY
                   Hello?

        Wendy's hello echoes throughout the entire building.

        INT. TELEVISION SET

        A dapper NEWS ANCHOR sits behind a news desk.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   All over America, kids are flocking to
                   the R rated film, 'Terrance and Phillip
                   Asses of Fire'. Here with a special
                   report, is a quadriplegic midget in a
                   bikini.

        INT. SPELLING BEE - DAY

        A QUADRIPLEGIC MIDGET IN A BIKINI stands in front of the
        camera with a microphone.

                             Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
                   Thanks, Tom. It appears that the effects
                   of the Canadian Comedy are far reaching
                   indeed. All over America, children seem
                   to be influenced.

         A TEACHER is on stage with a young spelling bee contestant.

                             TEACHER
                   Alright, this is for the silver medal.
                   Spell 'Forensics'.

                             KID
                   Oh, fuck that, why should I fucking have
                   to spell forensics?

        All the kids cheer.

                             KID
                   Here you go; S-U-C-K-M-Y-A-S-S,
                   FORENSICS.

                                                              CUT TO:

        EXT. BIRTHDAY PARTY - DAY

        A happy birthday party is going on is some kids backyard. A
        clown is entertaining everyone.

                             CLOWN
                   Hey kids, how would you like to see some
                   magic tricks?!

                             KIDS
                   FUCK YOU!!

        The clown looks startled.

                             CLOWN
                   Huh?

                             CHILD
                   Yeah, and fuck your stupid little red
                   nose.

                             CHILD 2
                   Yeah, and fuck your yellow hair. And fuck
                   your gay pants.

        PAN OVER to again find the midget reporter. He now has a
        graphic of a record chart next to him.

                             Q. MIDGET W/BIKINI
                   And the devastating impact of the
                   Canadian phenomenon is Terrance and
                   Phillip's new hit song, "Shut Your
                   Fucking Face, Unclefucka" which has
                   climbed the charts with a bullet --

        We see a clip from the video, "Unclefucka."

        The video has Terrance and Phillip dressed like Mase and
        Puffy in that video they did in Vegas.  They wear shiny
        bright jumpsuits and lunge at the fish-eye lens of the
        camera.

                             TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                        (Singing)
                   Shut your fucking face!
                   Unclefucka!!

        INT. NEWSROOM - DAY

        The news anchor shakes his head in disgust.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   Thanks, midget. Shocking report.  The
                   controversy surrounding the Terrance and
                   Phillip movie began in the small mountain
                   town of South Park, Colorado where the
                   local PTA banned the movie.  With us
                   tonight is the head of the South Park
                   PTA, Sheila Brofloski-

        A screen appears with Kyle's mother, looking very pissed. The
        TITLE below her reads 'Outraged Mother'.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   Ms. Brovlofski, how are these kids seeing
                   this film? Is bad parenting to blame? Or
                   is it Canada?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Canada!

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   Alright. Here with a counterpoint is the
                   Canadian Minister of Movies.

        A split screen appears, Kyle's mother on one side, and a
        goofy looking Canadian slides into the other.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   Thank you, Minister, for joining us.

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   Thanks for having me, buddy.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   Minister, parents all over America are
                   concerned about your country's
                   entertainment. Your thoughts?

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   Well, the film is R rated, and it's not
                   intended for children-

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Oh but OF COURSE children are going to
                   see it!!

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   Uh, can I finish? Can I finish? ...The
                   fact is that we Canadians are quite
                   surprised by your outrage-

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   YOU JUST DON'T CARE!

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   Can I finish? Hello? Can I finish? ...The
                   United States has graphic images of
                   violence on television all the time, what
                   is that one show? COPS? And car crashes
                   caught on tape? We can't believe that a
                   movie with some foul language and fart
                   jokes would piss you off so much.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   BECAUSE IT'S EVIL!!

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   Can I finish? Please? Can I finish? ...
                   ... Uh... Okay, I'm finished.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                   But minister, it isn't like this film is
                   the first troublesome thing to come out
                   of Canada. Let us not forget Brian Adams
                   a few decades ago.

        The Minister thinks.

                             CANADIAN MINISTER OF MOVIES
                   What?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   The Canadians are just mad that we
                   mothers here in South Park have the
                   chutzpah to stand up to them!  Like it or
                   not, Mr. Canadian Minister, OUR children
                   are now safe from your Canadian smut!

        INT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

        The boys are in the front row, this time with Wendy, watching
        the Terrance and Phillip movie.

                             TERRANCE
                   Well, Terrance I hope you learned
                   something from this whole experience.

                             PHILLIP
                   I did, Terrance, I learned that you are a
                   boner biting dick fart fuck face!

        The boys laugh merrily. Wendy just looks bored.

                             TERRANCE
                   Say Phillip, want to see the Northern
                   Lights?

                             PHILLIP
                   You bet, Terrance!

        Terrance pulls out a match, lights it, then farts.

        The flame burns Terrance to a blackened mass.

                             PHILLIP
                   HA HA HA! You burned yourself to death by
                   lighting the fart! HA HA HA!!

                             TERRANCE
                        (Just a skull)
                   I sure did, Phillip!!

        The boys laugh hysterically.

                             STAN
                   Did you see that, Wendy?

                             WENDY
                   Yup.

        EXT. THEATER - DAY

        The boys walk out happily.

                             KYLE
                   Man, that movie gets better every time I
                   see it!

                             CARTMAN
                   Yeah, but you know what? That whole part
                   about lighting farts is bullshit. You
                   can't do that.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmpmh rm.

                             CARTMAN
                   No way.

                             STAN
                   Didn't you think it was funny, Wendy?

                             WENDY
                   Stan... I think you and I need some time
                   apart.

                             STAN
                   WHAT?!

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh shit.

                             WENDY
                   It's just... It's obvious that we don't
                   have a whole lot in common anymore. I
                   need somebody who's... a little deeper.

                             STAN
                   But Wendy, I can go-

        Wendy places her little gloved hand over Stan's mouth.

                             WENDY
                   No. Don't speak. You'll only make things
                   more annoying. Goodbye, Stan.

        And just like that, Wendy is gone. Stan looks almost ready to
        cry.

        Kyle walks up behind Stan.

                             KYLE
                   Dude, anybody who doesn't think Terrance
                   and Phillip is funny can fuck off
                   anyways.

                             STAN
                        (Insincere)
                   Yeah...

        The boys walk off.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm!!

                             CARTMAN
                   No you can't Kenny!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rm rmph!!

                             CARTMAN
                   Okay Kenny, I'll bet you a HUNDRED
                   DOLLARS you can't light a fart on fire!

                             KENNY
                   Mph mm!

        Kenny pulls out a book of matches.

        He strikes a match and holds it under his ass.

        After a few seconds Kenny farts, and there is a little flame.

        Suddenly, the flames catch and Kenny starts burning alive.

                             KENNY
                   MMMPMMPH!!! MGMFEODFO!!!

        Kenny runs around, and finally falls to the ground, still
        burning.

                             STAN
                   OH MY GOD!! YOU KILLED KENNY!!

                             KYLE
                   YOU BASTARD!!

        Cartman looks shocked.

                             CARTMAN
                   Wow, I guess you CAN do that!

        INT. HOSPITAL - LATER

        DOCTORS and NURSES are pushing Kenny into the operating room
        ER style.

        Everything is quick and chaotic. Shouts fill the hallway.

                             NURSE
                   CBC chem kit STAT!!

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   LOAD THAT I.V. WITH 70CCS OF SODIUM
                   PENTOTHAL!!

        INT. OPERATING ROOM

        It's mid-operation.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Siphon the fluid off his brain!! Vacuum!

        Another nurse hands him a sucker tube.  He immediately shoves
        into Kenny's skull.  It starts to slurp and burble.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Try to untangle his trachea and
                   esophagus!

                             NURSE
                   Right!

        While Doctor Gauche wrestles with Kenny's lungs and torso,
        the nurse reaches into Kenny's mouth and pulls both his
        windpipe and esophagus out of his mouth, turning them inside
        out in the process.

        Off to the side, Stan, Cartman and Kyle look on as the doctor
        and nurses tangle themselves in knots with Kenny's innards.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   No! THAT DOESN'T GO THERE!!

                             NURSE
                   Watch his liver!!!

        Kenny's liver POPS out of his torso and slides across the
        floor.

                             ASSISTANT
                   I'll get it!!!

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   We have precious little time left people!
                   We're going to lose him soon!!

        Suddenly, there is a long, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.

                             NURSE
                   Doctor, his heart's stopped!

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Crack him.  Let's get it out of there!!!

        Doctor Gauche lifts Kenny's heart out of his body.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   We need to zap this, quick!

        And runs it to the microwave.  He opens the door.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Who's making a potato?

                             DOCTOR 2
                   My bad, sir.  I missed lunch.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Damn it! I am NOT going to lose this
                   kid!!!!!!

        INT. RECOVERY ROOM - LATER

        Fade up from black.  We're close on Kenny's face.  His little
        eyes start to open.

        Doctor Gauche leans over him Kenny.  Stan and Kyle are
        there.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Kenny.  Kenny, can you hear me?

        Kenny stirs.

                             KENNY
                        (Weakly)
                   Mph rmph rm...

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   How are you feeling, son?

                             KENNY
                   mph.... rmph....

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Great... Son, I have some bad news.  We
                   accidentally replaced your heart with a
                   baked potato.  You have about seven
                   seconds to live.

                             KENNY
                   Mrm?!

        Just then, Kenny's baked potato heart explodes, splattering
        gore all over the inside of the recovery room and on the
        outside of Dr. Gauche, Stan and Kyle.

                             STAN
                   Oh my God! THEY killed Kenny!

                             KYLE
                   You bastards!!

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Damn it!  It never gets any easier!
                   Anybody get the score of that Broncos
                   game?

        INT. HOSPITAL - WAITING ROOM

        Kyle's mother is waiting with the rest of the parents.

        The nurse walks up to Kenny's parents with a sad expression.

                             NURSE
                   I'm sorry...

        Kenny's mother breaks down.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

                             KENNY'S DAD
                   You bastards!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   I knew this would happen! Those bastard
                   Canadians have now killed a child! Can't
                   people see the damage that film is
                   doing?!

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   He was killed doing something he saw in
                   the movie. It was Terrance and Phillip...
                   THEY killed Kenny.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   You bastards.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   This is it! The time for action is NOW!!
                        (Singing)
                   Something must be done!
                   This is like a spreading rash!
                   They're pulling out our children's
                   brains
                   and filling them with trash!
                   Can't you see what this is leading
                   to?
                   A world of smut and sex and poo!
                   I believe the good fight has begun!
                   Something must be done!

        Everyone gathers around Kyle's mother.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   I agree!
                        (Singing)
                   Something must be done!
                   We must take action fast!
                   My child used to say 'please and
                   thank you'
                   Now he says suck my ass!

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   And my boy was the sweetest boy the
                   world had ever known!
                   until those damn Canadians brought
                   that filth into our home!
                   I agree that there is now a battle
                   to be won!
                   We can't just stand here singing!
                   Something must be done!

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   But what are we going to do against the
                   media machine? It's so big and powerful!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Right! And we can use that same media
                   machine to exploit OUR cause!  We've got
                   to let the whole world know what the
                   Canadians did to your son!

                             PARENTS
                   Yeah!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   COME ON!

        The parents all head out the door-

        EXT. HOSPITAL - CONTINUOUS

        The doors to the hospital swing open, and the parents march
        out into the street, singing in unison as they go.

                             PARENTS
                        (Singing)
                   Something must be done!
                   Something's gotta give!
                   This world has become a bitch in
                   which
                   we have no desire to live!

        Cars come screeching to a halt as the parents sing in the
        middle of the road. People start honking their horns in
        frustration.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   My boy could have become a doctor
                   Or a lawyer rich and true
                   Instead he burned up like a piggy
                   on a bar-b-que!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   We will fight for children's rights
                   in memory of your son!

                             PARENTS
                   We can't just stand here singing!
                   Something must be done!

        Cars are now smashing into each other, and flying off the
        road to people's deaths, as the music number has taken over
        the busy intersection.

                             PARENTS
                   We've pushed and pushed it to the
                   edge
                   And now the time has come!
                   Something's gotta change!
                   It's time to buy a gun!
                   We can't just stand here singing
                   No we can't just stand here singing
                   No we can't just stand here
                   singing!
                   Something must be done!!!

        A few more cars careen off and explode into flames as if
        ending the song with a borage of fireworks.

        INT. OPERATING ROOM -

        The boys gather around Kenny's lifeless body.

                             CARTMAN
                        (Dazed)
                   I bet him he couldn't do it... I bet him
                   a hundred dollars!

                             KYLE
                   Come on, Cartman. It's not your fault.

                             CARTMAN
                   No, I know. I'm just fucking STOKED I
                   don't have to pay him!

                             KYLE
                   Oh.

        The boys walk out, leaving Kenny's corpse behind. We can
        still hear the boys voices as they exit.

                             KYLE (O.S.)
                   I can't believe he's dead.

                             CARTMAN (O.S.)
                   Yeah, I'm having total deja vu right now.
                   Like this has all happened before...

        After they leave, PUSH IN to Kenny's dead body, which is
        left all alone on the operating table.

        The camera continues to zoom in to Kenny's face...

        ZOOM IN on Kenny's dead face. We pass into his thoughs...

        FLASH!!

        EXT. SPACE -

        Kenny's body is floating through a great void. A PEACEFUL
        SONG plays as he soars upwards to the heavens.

        *note - except for Kenny's little construction paper body,
        this entire sequence should be done in 3D CGI.

        Ahead of him, Kenny can see a great white light. It appears
        warm and inviting.

        Now Kenny notices large beautiful breasts bobbing up and down
        in the heavens. He reaches out to touch them.

        Kenny blissfully floats upward toward the bright light and
        bobbing breasts. The music crescendos as Kenny gets almost
        close enough to the light to touch it.

        Just then, a huge, electronic sign pops up. 'Access Denied'.

        Suddenly, Kenny goes spiraling downward. The song changes to
        a MINISTRY type number as Kenny's surroundings start to
        become darker and more twisted.

        Kenny's hapless spirit enters a horrifying red tunnel, filled
        with flames and heat.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm!

        Burning souls SCREAM and CRY all around Kenny, as his body
        plunges into what is now obviously the depths of hell.

        Kenny passes images of Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, hunger and
        disease as he continues through the twisting tunnel.

        He then passes images of Jimmy Stewart and Gandhi. All of
        whom are opportunely locked in hell for all eternity.

        EXT. MOVIE THEATRE - DAY

        The same ticket guy from before is at the ticket booth. The
        marquee still reads 'Terrance and Phillip' but a huge sticker
        has been placed over it that reads 'banned'.

        The boys stand underneath the marquee looking baffled.

                             STAN
                   How can they do this?

                             KYLE
                   It isn't fair!

                             CARTMAN
                   Well, Terrance and Phillip are on Conan
                   O'Brian tonight, we could at least go
                   watch that.

        The boys hang their heads and walks away.

        The ticket guy suddenly hears a bunch of commotion. He sees a
        mob of angry mothers, led by Kyle's mother.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   THIS must be him, officer! This is the
                   scum that sold R rated tickets to
                   children!

                             TICKET GUY
                   What?! Jesus Christ, I didn't mean to!

        Barbrady slaps handcuffs on the freaked out teen.

                             OFFICER BARBRADY
                   You can explain downtown!

                             TICKET GUY
                        (Getting dragged away)
                   Oh shit! Hey it's not MY fault! You
                   should arrest those pervert Canadians!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Oh we will, Mr. Scumbag... We will...

        EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

        Establishing.

        INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

        The boys are sitting on Cartman's couch watching TV.

        ANGLE - TELEVISION - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW

        Conan comes back from a commercial break. Sitting next to
        him, is Ms. Brooke Shields.

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                   Our next guests have the number one movie
                   in the world right now, please welcome
                   Terrance and Phillip!

        A few cheers as Terrance and Phillip walk out on stage. A few
        boos as well, and we see that the South Park mothers are in
        the audience holding 'Anti-Terrance and Phillip' signs.

        Terrance and Phillip walk out and sit next to Brooke Shields.

                             PHILLIP
                   Hello, Conan!

                             TERRANCE
                   Hello, Brooke Shields!

                             CONAN
                   It's nice to have you here in America.

                             PHILLIP
                   Yeah, well, you being a Canadian and all,
                   we thought what the hell!

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                   So guys... I understand you have a comedy
                   routine worked out for us.

                             PHILLIP
                   We sure do, Conan. And here it is. Excuse
                   me, Terrance.

                             TERRANCE
                   Yes, Phillip?

        Phillip rips a fart that launches Terrance backwards and into
        the band.  They both laugh wildly.

                             PHILLIP
                   Gotcha!

        Terrance and Phillip laugh. Nobody in the audience laughs.

        ANGLE - BOYS

        They laugh merrily.

        RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW

                             TERRANCE
                   Good one, Phillip!  Cheers.

                             PHILLIP
                   Cheers, Terrance!

        Terrance extricates himself from the band. Conan is growing
        nervous. He looks out into the audience...

        Kyle's mother is sitting there, looking angry. Conan makes
        eye contact with her, and then nods his head. Kyle's mother
        nods back.

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                        (Nervous)
                   So, guys, I need to ask you a serious
                   question...

                             PHILLIP
                   I just farted Terrance back into the
                   stone age!

        They both laugh hard.

        Brooke Shields waits a beat, then belts out a fake laugh.

                             BROOKE SHIELDS
                   I farted once on the set of Blue Lagoon!

                             TERRANCE
                   Nobody cares, Brooke Shields!

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                   Terrance and Phillip... Whose idea was
                   it, to have a person lighting a fart on
                   fire in your movie? Who is responsible
                   for that?

        Terrance and Phillip exhange glances.

                             TERRANCE
                   Phillip, I think our friend Conan has
                   been working too hard.

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                   Say it! It was YOUR idea to have someone
                   light a fart on fire in your movie!

                             PHILLIP/TERRANCE
                        (Together)
                   It was our idea to have someone light a
                   fart on fire in your movie.

        ANGLE ON THE AUDIENCE

        Kyle's mother is among them, listening to all this.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                        (Into her lapel)
                   That's it!  Move, move, move!

        ANGLE ON TERRANCE AND PHILLIP

        A battalion of Army guys appear, seize Terrance and Phillip
        and arrest everyone in their group.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Terrance and Phillip, you are under
                   arrest for working in America without the
                   proper documents! WE GOT YOU!

        ANGLE - BOYS

                             KYLE
                   Dude, what the hell is going on?

        RESUME - THE CONAN O'BRIAN SHOW

                             TERRANCE
                   Phillip, we've been tricked and ambushed
                   by The Conan O'Brian Show!!

                             PHILLIP
                   This little scrotum sucker willfully
                   deceived us!
                        (Pointing to Conan)
                   You are a bad man!

                             TERRANCE
                   And you call yourself a Canadian!
                        (To Phillip)
                   I told you we should of done Leno!

        Conan O'Brian turns away, ashamed.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Don't listen to them, Mr. O'Brian.
                   They're master manipulators. You did a
                   good job.

                             TERRANCE
                   You loved our movie, Conan!  We watched
                   it together.  You... You laughed!

        Conan grabs his head.

                             CONAN O'BRIAN
                   What have I done?!!!

        Conan grabs a gun and blows his head off, dousing Brooke
        Shields with blood.

                             BROOKE SHIELDS
                   AGAHGAHGGH!!!! Mondays at eight
                   AAAGHGH!!!!

        Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily. Kyle's mother cradles
        Conan's lifeless body.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   You see what your filth has caused?

                             TERRANCE
                   US?! This is your mess, outraged mother!!

        INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

        The boys are sitting on the couch in absolute shock.

                             STAN
                   Dude, our moms arrested Terrance and
                   Phillip!

                             KYLE
                   Our moms suck!

                             CARTMAN
                   This could mean... No more Terrance and
                   Phillip - EVER!

        EXT. UNITED NATIONS - DAY

        Establishing shot.

        INT. UNITED NATIONS - GENERAL ASSEMBLY ROOM

        Lots of foreigners with their silly foreign outfits sit at
        their stupid microphones with their ridiculous translation
        headsets -- in the general assembly hall.  The Canadian
        Ambassador stands before them.

                             CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
                   As The Canadian Ambassador, I hereby
                   condemn the actions taken by America in
                   apprehending Terrance and Phillip!

        A MURMUR goes through the crowd.

                             CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
                   We demand their release IMMEDIATELY!! As
                   you can see from this graph, the entire
                   economy of Canada relies on Terrance and
                   Phillip! Without them we are doomed to
                   recession!

        The United Nations head bangs his gavel.

        Now Kyle's mother stands up. She is with a group of mothers
        all wearing M.A.C T-shirts.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   If I may?

        Everyone looks at Kyle's mother.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   As president and founder of M.A.C., I
                   would like to state-

                             UNITED NATIONS HEAD
                   Excuse me, M.A.C.?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Yes, Mothers Against Canada.

                             UNITED NATIONS HEAD
                   Kay.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   I would like to state that Canada must
                   learn to stop infiltrating our country
                   with its graphic art!

        Cheers from the Americans.

                             CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
                   Last time I checked America was a free
                   country!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Look at this!

        Kyle's mother pulls Kenny's mother up by the head.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   This woman's child was KILLED by your
                   country's humor! Look how upset she is!

        Kenny's mom looks fine.

                             CANADIAN AMBASSADOR
                   We will continue to sell Terrance and
                   Phillip videos to anyone retarded enough
                   to buy it!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Then you leave me no choice... I call for
                   an EMBARGO on ALL Canadian Imports!!!

        More cheers from the Americans. The Canadians look worried.

        INT. SUPERMARKET - DAY

        The boys are in the check out line at Bob's supermarket.

                             CARTMAN
                   What the hell do you mean I can't get
                   Cheesy Poofs?!

                             BOB
                   Sorry, kid. Cheesy Poofs are a Canadian
                   export. We can't carry them any more.

                             KYLE
                   Who the hell made up that law?!

                             CARTMAN
                   You can't do this!! Have you ever HAD
                   Cheesy Poofs? They're a taste sensation
                   with a delightful cheddar crunch.

                             BOB
                   There's nothing I can do. I can still
                   sell you Cheese-o's.

                             CARTMAN
                   FUCK Cheese-os and FUCK you!

        Cartman storms out. The boys follow him.

        INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - DAY

        The boys walk into Cartman's house. Cartman slams the door
        behind him. The boys all walk toward the living room.

                             CARTMAN
                   Come on, you guys... We have to THINK!

                             STAN
                   About what?

                             CARTMAN
                   About Cheesy Poofs, dumbass! This
                   whole thing has gone too far!

                             KYLE
                   I don't really think you need Cheesy-
                   Poofs, tubby-

        But the boys come to an abrupt halt when they reach the
        living room and see that all four mothers are waiting for
        them, silently.

        Everyone just sits there for a second. The lighting on Kyle's
        mother's face looks almost evil.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Boys, we have to have a difficult
                   discussion.

                             KYLE
                   We already know what you did. We saw it
                   on television.

                             STAN
                   Yeah, how come you arrested Terrance and
                   Phillip?

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   Stanly, you're too young to understand
                   what's good for you. That's why we
                   mothers have taken charge.

                             KYLE
                   But they fucking didn't do anything
                   wrong!

                             CARTMAN
                   Yeah!  And what rim job expert went and
                   outlawed Cheesy Poofs!?

        The mothers all gasp in horror.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What was that word, young man!?

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Oh, he said rim job.  It's when someone
                   licks your ass for-

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   I know what it is!

                             CARTMAN
                        (To his mother)
                   Lick someone's ass?!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   The Terrance and Phillip movie has
                   obviously done irreparable damage to
                   their brains.  We have to put them in
                   rehab right away.

                             KYLE
                   What's that?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   You boys need help.  There are rehab
                   centers that specialize in treating
                   people with chronic addictions to bad
                   language.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   There are?

        Kyle's mother thinks for a second.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Well no, I guess not...  But we will
                   establish the first of its kind right
                   here in South Park.  All the children in
                   town will have to attend and receive
                   treatment from the school counselor Mr.
                   Mackey!  Ooh I just love when I get these
                   sorts of ideas!

                             CARTMAN
                   Why?  So you can fuck up our life some
                   more?

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Eric!  Don't talk to Ms. Brovlofski that
                   way!

                             CARTMAN
                   But mom!  I'm not fucking addicted to
                   fucking bad language!  I don't have a
                   fucking problem!

        INT. HELL - DAY

        Kenny walks through the black void of hell. A trippy, single
        shaft of light seems to follow him wherever he goes.

                             KENNY
                   Mphrmo?

        No answer... No nothing...

        Kenny continues on, flames shoot up randomly from the ground
        scaring the shit out of him.

                             KENNY
                   MPHR!! MMLY MMT!

        Suddenly, Kenny hears a CLAWING NOISE. It gets louder and
        louder. Kenny starts to run faster and faster. Now the
        clawing is RIGHT BEHIND HIM! Kenny spins around. He is face
        to face with SATAN!

        Satan looks down at Kenny and shoots flames out his nose.

        Kenny's eyes bulge open.

                             KENNY
                   MMMMMPHPHPHPHP!!!!!

                             SATAN
                   Fallen one... We have such sights to show
                   you!

        Kenny shakes. Satan turns to a whispy form and flashes across
        the room like a serpent, in a millisecond he is right up in
        Kenny's face.

                             SATAN
                   I am Satan. I am your God, now.

                             KENNY
                   MPH RM!!!

        Kenny tries to run away, but Satan again changes form, flies
        across the room and cuts Kenny off.

                             SATAN
                   Come with me. I will show you what
                   delightful pain awaits.

        Two black DEMONS grab Kenny by the arms and start to lead him
        away.

                             KENNY
                   MMMMMPHPHP!!!!

        Just then, SADDAM HUSSEIN show up next to Satan.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Oh, a new recruit, huh? Welcome to hell,
                   kid! Relax! Take a load off!!

                             SATAN
                   You remember... Saddam Hussein, don't
                   you?!

        Kenny's eyes grow wide.

                             KENNY
                   MMMPPH!!!

        EXT. REHAB CENTER - DAY

        Establishing shot of the small Betty Fordesque building.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids are sitting in chairs in a circle.  There are anti-
        drug signs on the walls: "Crack is Whack"; "Get High on
        Pottery"; and, "I Go From Zero to Bitch in .9 Seconds."  MR.
        MACKEY, the wiry school counselor, leads the group.  There's
        a pottery wheel and lots of craft tables behind them.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay, it's come to my attention, that you
                   boys have a potty-mouth problem, mkay.
                   Now the sooner you recognize your
                   problem, mkay, the sooner we can get you
                   back to your third grade homeroom where
                   you belong.

                             KYLE
                   But they're just words, Mr. Mackey. Our
                   parents are over-reacting.

                             BEBE
                   Yeah, Wendy's here, and she doesn't even
                   like Terrance and Phillip!

        Wendy looks bored. Stan tries to smile at her, but she
        doesn't even acknowledge him.

        Meanwhile, Cartman is violently shaking in his seat.

                             CARTMAN
                   Ugh... You guys, seriously... I'm having
                   Cheesy Poof withdrawal...

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay, kids from all over the State have
                   been brought here, because you all share
                   the same problem. Uh, young man... Let's
                   start with you.

        He points at Gregory. The little British bastard from the
        lake.

                             GREGORY
                   My name is Gregory... And I have a potty
                   mouth.

        Wendy looks at Gregory. Stan notices this.

                             CARTMAN
                   You've got a stupid accent too.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Eric, that is not appropriate.

                             CARTMAN
                   What? Fuck French people. Fuck 'em in the
                   ear.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay, you see, children. This is exactly
                   what I'm talking about. We have to change
                   the way you think.

                             GREGORY
                   How are you gonna do that?

        Mr. Mackey crosses to a piano. He plays chords while speaking
        the following lines.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   There are times when you get suckered in,
                   by drugs and alcohol and sex with wom-en.
                   But it's when you do these things too
                   much
                        (Singing)
                   That you've got to clear your head
                   and get back in touch...

        Mr. Mackey plays the piano and sings:

                             MR. MACKEY
                   You can do it, it's all up to you,
                   mkay?
                   With a method, there's nothing you
                   can't do, mkay?
                   You don't have to spend your life
                   addicted to crack
                   Homeless on the streets giving hand-
                   jobs for cash
                   as long as you follow this simple
                   plan
                   I'm fully convinced that it's,
                   easy, mkay...

        The kids are extremely disinterested. Mackey walks over to a
        chalkboard.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Step one: Think about fun. Think
                   about all that you'll miss addicted
                   to this
                   Step two: Think it all through.
                   Think how's this gonna change my
                   life, what am I gonna miss?
                   Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
                   anything that gets in your way!
                   And step four: Just don't do it
                   anymore - it's easy, Mkay!

        Mackey gets the children in a circle all holding hands.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Come on, kids! Sing along!

                             KIDS
                        (Extremely half-assed)
                   You can do it, it's all up to you
                   mkay?
                   With a method, there's nothing you
                   can't do, mkay?
                   We don't have to spend our lives
                   addicted to crack
                   Homeless on the streets giving hand-
                   jobs for cash

                             MR. MACKEY
                   As long as you follow my simple
                   plan
                   I'm fully convinced that it's,
                   easy, mkay...

        Everyone starts dancing in a circle.

                             KIDS
                   Step one: Think about fun. Think
                   about all that you'll miss addicted
                   to this Step two: Think it all
                   through. Think how's this gonna
                   change my life, what am I gonna
                   miss?
                   Step three: Go and hug a tree, Hug
                   anything that gets in your way!
                   And step four: Just don't do it
                   anymore - it's easy, Mkay!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   It's easy, Mkay?!

        Everyone falls down laughing.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - LOUNGE

        Kyle's mom and the other moms watch the kids and Mr. Mackey
        rolling around on the floor laughing on a security monitor.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What the hell do they think this is?!
                   Summer camp?!

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        Just then, Kyle's mother walks in with a scowling look,
        interupting the kids and Mr. Mackey who are still laughing
        merrily. The other mothers are behind her.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Mr. Mackey, what is going on?!

        Mr. Mackey stands up, looking scared.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Uh, we're just, starting our program...

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   This is NOT a place for fun and games!
                   This is rehabilitation! Now GET TO IT!!
                   We at MAC have a trial to go to!

        The mothers walk away.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay.

                             CARTMAN
                   God Damn it your mom is a bitch, Kyle.

        Kyle hangs his head.

        EXT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

        A news reporter stands in front of the Supreme Court. All
        around him are protestors, with signs that say CANADA NO! and
        CAN'TADA! Still others hold signs with Kenny on them.

                             NEWS REPORTER
                   Tom I'm standing in front of the U.S.
                   Supreme Court where the most important
                   trial of the - day - is happening.
                   Thousands of people have shown up from
                   all over the country to show their
                   outrage and disgust at Canada. Joining me
                   now is Mrs. McKormick, mother of the poor
                   little boy who was killed by the
                   Canadians.

        Kenny's mother steps into frame. She is wearing a shirt with
        Kenny's picture on it. Written on the T-shirt is 'Have you
        seen my son? No, you haven't. He's dead.'

                             NEWS REPORTER
                   Mrs. McKormick, you must really hate the
                   Canadians.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Yes, yes I do, Tom.

                             NEWS REPORTER
                   Did you ever think you would see the day
                   when thousands of people were wearing
                   your son Kenny on T-shirts?

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   No I didn't. But if any of you would like
                   one they're 14.95. Available in blue or
                   white.

        The reporter thinks for a second, and then turns back to the
        camera.

                             NEWS REPORTER
                   Well, we can only imagine the intense,
                   vehement trial that is going on inside.

        INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

        Terrance and Phillip are on the stand.

                             JOHNNY COCHRAN
                   Terrance and Phillip... You knowingly,
                   with malice of forethought were trying to
                   destroy American culture, yes or no?

        Terrance rips a fart.

                             JOHNNY COCHRAN
                   YES OR NO!

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids are all in the main room, sitting on a couch,
        huddled around a television.

        They laugh merrily.

                             STAN
                   Shh! Mr. Mackey's gonna hear us!

        INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

                             TERRANCE
                   The Americans are just showing their TRUE
                   COLORS as smelly bastards.

                             PHILLIP
                   Fight the power!

                             TERRANCE
                   The young boy that died lit himself on
                   fire. It was unfortunate, but how can
                   they blame US?

                             PHILLIP
                   Don't believe the hype!!

        Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids all shout agreement.

                             KIDS
                        (Adlib)
                   Yeah! WooHoo!

        BACK TO COURTHOUSE

        Terrance and Phillip laugh merrily.

                             TERRANCE
                   You cannot oppress us! We will continue
                   to pursue our art. We know there are
                   Americans out there who will help us!

        Kyle's mother now stands up from the prosecutor's table.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Your 'ART' is shallow and immature! We
                   Americans do NOT allow that for our
                   children!!

                             PHILLIP
                   Please. You teach your children that
                   America is the land of the free. But it's
                   all bullshit. You're one of the most
                   conservative countries in the world!

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The children all listen, wide-eyed.

        INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

                             TERRANCE
                   The problem is you don't allow your
                   children to think for themselves. You try
                   to raise them in a protective bubble, and
                   then when they finally get old enough,
                   they realize they've been lied to, and
                   they resent you for it.

                             PHILLIP
                   Yeah, God, no wonder your country is so
                   fucked up.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   THAT IS ENOUGH!!

                             TERRANCE
                   WAKE UP AMERICA! YOUR government censors
                   YOU from the world.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   NO THEY DON'T!

                             PHILLIP
                   YES THEY DO! AND I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU! IN
                   MARCH OF LAST YEAR, THE AMERICAN
                   GOVERNMENT-

        BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP.

        Suddenly, the screen goes blank. A sign that says 'PLEASE
        STAND BY' comes on.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids all watch, wide-eyed.

                             KYLE
                   What happened?

                             WENDY
                   The station CONVENIENTLY went blank.

        INT. CANADIAN PRESS CONFERENCE - DAY

        The Canadian Prime Minister stands directly in front of
        camera, looking right at us.

                             CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
                   ATTENTION AMERICA!! You have taken our
                   national treasure Terrance and Phillip.
                   We, in turn, have taken yours... The
                   Smothers Brothers!

        The Canadian Prime Minister steps out of the way, revealing
        the Smothers Brothers tied up in chairs behind him.

                             CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
                   I'll let you catch your breath... Now,
                   release Terrance and Phillip, or else we
                   will EXECUTE your beloved Smothers
                   Brothers!!

                             TOMMY SMOTHERS
                   Please listen to them!!

                             DICK SMOTHERS
                   They're not fucking around!!

                             CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
                   We're not fucking around. This is not
                   aboot deals. This aboot dignity. This is
                   aboot freedom... This is aboot respect.
                   RETURN Terrance and Phillip NOW!!!

        Another Canadian leans in and whispers in the Prime
        Minister's ear.

                             CANADIAN PRIME MINISTER
                   Oh yeah... AND FUCK YOU, AMERICA!

        He raises his middle finger, but it's all blurred and
        digitized.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Okay kids, for today's rehabilitation
                   activity, we're going to watch the
                   Terrance and Phillip movie.

                             STAN
                   What?!

                             KYLE
                   Sweet!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Now, this is an EDITED version of the
                   movie, which was put out by the MPAA.
                   That's the Motion Picture Association of
                   America.

                             WENDY
                   Isn't that censorship?

                             MR. MACKEY
                   No the MPAA is NOT a censorship group.

                             WENDY
                   Why not?

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Uh... Because they say so... Mkay. Now I
                   want you to watch this movie, with all
                   the immature profanity taken out, and
                   notice how much better a movie it
                   becomes...

        Mackey puts the tape in and hits play.

        The TITLES come up 'Terrance and Phillip Asses of Fire'
        Except that 'Asses' has been blurred out, and replaced with
        'bunz'.

                             KIDS
                   HOORAY!!!

        The movie begins. Phillip walks in. But it isn't Phillip's
        voice, somebody has dubbed him over.

                             DUBBED PHILLIP
                   Hey Terrance. I feel like I'm going to
                   pass gas near your head.

                             DUBBED TERRANCE
                   I would rather you didn't, Phillip.

                             DUBBED PHILLIP
                   Oh? Is that so?

        Phillip farts on Terrance.

                             TERRANCE
                   Oh, you are such a maroon!

                             PHILLIP
                   You would know, dummy.

        The boys look confused.

                             TERRANCE
                   You are pigeon-like in your intelligence.

        The pseudo-Terrance and Phillip laugh. Terrance throws a
        match on Phillip and Phillip burns to death.

        A TITLE comes up - THE END.

        And the credits roll.

                             CARTMAN
                   WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!

                             KYLE
                   Dude, they cut out 92 minutes!

        The lights in the theater come up.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   So you see, the point and the theme of
                   the film is kept intact. And of course,
                   the MPAA didn't cut out any of the
                   graphic violence. What did you think?

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh man, I'm gonna need a cherry pie to
                   get the taste of ass out of my mouth from
                   that piece of shit movie.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Eric, you're not watching your mouth!

                             CARTMAN
                   You get me Cheesy Poofs with the
                   delightful cheddar crunch, and I'll watch
                   my fucking mouth!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Eric!!!!  You need to be rehabilitated.
                   Help me to help you!

                             CARTMAN
                   Help yourself prickfuck!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   I am not a prickfuck, mkay? You little
                   asshole!

        Mackey slaps his hand over his mouth and looks around, scared.

                             CARTMAN
                   Ha, ha, you stupid asshole prickfuck.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SEPARATE ROOM

        Mr. Mackey is in a private office with the members of M.A.C.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   How is the children's progress?

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Very encouraging. Most of the children
                   have been weened from their naughty
                   mouths.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What do you mean MOST, why not ALL?

                             MR. MACKEY
                        (Nervous)
                   Well, some of the children just don't
                   respond to 12 step programs.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Then we'll have to resort to plan B and
                   call the v-chip organization.

        Dramatic MUSIC STING. Mackey looks afraid.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mrs. Brovlofski, the V-chip hasn't been
                   fully tested yet, it could be dangerous.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                        (Evil)
                   I don't care if it's dangerous! Desperate
                   times call for desperate measures, Mr.
                   Mackey. Perhaps I need to remind you of
                   your situation.

                             MR. MACKEY
                        (Nervous)
                   Alright, I'll make the call...

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids are again glued to the TV watching the trial of
        Terrance and Phillip.

        INT. SUPREME COURT - DAY

        Back in the courthouse, the jury walks in and sits down.

                             JUDGE
                   Madam foreman, have you reached a
                   verdict?

                             FOREMAN
                   We have, your honor.

                             JUDGE
                   How find you, the jury?

                             FOREMAN
                   We the jury, find the defendants...
                   Terrance and Phillip... GUILTY of being
                   complete bastards.

        The crowd goes wild. The mothers of M.A.C. stand and cheer.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids sit in shock.

                             KYLE
                   Oh no!

        INT. COURTROOM - DAY

                             TERRANCE
                   Oh oh, Phillip. You know what this means?

                             PHILLIP
                   We'll be farting bread and water for a
                   few years.

        The judge bangs her gavel.

                             JUDGE
                   Terrance and Phillip, for crimes against
                   the great nation of America you are
                   hereby sentenced to DEATH.

        HUGE MUSIC STING.

                             TERRANCE
                   DEATH?! You gotta be shittin' me!

                             PHILLIP
                   Aghgh!

        Phillip passes out.

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids can't believe what they're seeing. Everyone is
        silent. Finally, Kyle perks up.

                             KYLE
                   Dude, let's help Terrance and Phillip!!

                             STAN
                   How do we do that?

        Kyle thinks for a moment.

                             WENDY
                   You raise awareness by distributing
                   buttons, stickers and leaflets.

                             CARTMAN
                   That'd be sweet! We could try to bring
                   back Cheesy Poofs!

                             KYLE
                   Yeah, let's make Free Terrance and
                   Phillip buttons!

                             WENDY
                   You guys don't even care. All you care
                   about is seeing Terrance and Phillip fart
                   on each other more.

        The boys sit there and blink.

                             STAN
                   Yeah!

                             WENDY
                   This is about freedom of speech, Stan,
                   about censorship.

        The handsome English kid, Gregory chimes in.

                             GREGORY
                   Yes, what's next? Barcodes on our
                   forearms? This country is the most
                   fascist of all.

        Wendy looks at Gregory deeply. Gregory smiles at her.

                             STAN
                   What the hell are you talking about, kid?

                             WENDY
                   You don't get it Stan... You just don't
                   get it.

        Wendy walks away.

                             STAN
                   What? What don't I get?
                        (To Kyle)
                   What don't I get?

                             KYLE
                   I don't know, dude.

                             STAN
                   That British dickhole is what's taking
                   Wendy away from me!

                             KYLE
                   I thought she wasn't your girlfriend,
                   dude.

                             STAN
                   She's Not! But if she WAS it would be
                   THAT little asshole who's fucking it up
                   for me!

        INT. REHAB CENTER - SOUTH PARK'S BETTY FORD CENTER

        The kids are all sitting in rows, wearing very crude 'Free
        Terrance and Phillip' buttons.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay, children, you've all made terrific
                   progress, and are hereby done with the
                   eight step program.

        The kids all AD LIB relief.

                             CARTMAN
                   Thank God, that sucked ass.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Uh, except for you Eric. I'm afraid you
                   need to work more on not saying the F
                   word and the N word.

                             CARTMAN
                   The N word?

                             MR. MACKEY
                        (Reading)
                   Norwegian Ass Raper.

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh yeah.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   The rest of you are graduated. You can go
                   home today.

        The kids cheer.

                             CARTMAN
                   I don't graduate?! WHAT THE FUCK IS
                   THIS?! THIS IS BULLSHIT?!

        Just then, Mackey notices the little buttons on everybody's
        shirts.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Free Terrance and Phillip? Oh no... Mkay.

                             KYLE
                        (Proudly)
                   We're protesting!

                             STAN
                   Yeah!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Well, boys, it might interest you to know
                   that your FRIENDS the Canadians have just
                   bombed the U.S.

                             STAN
                   They did?!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Yes, at six this morning they bombed the
                   heck out of Cleveland.

                             KYLE
                   Oh. That doesn't count.

                             WENDY
                   They only bombed Cleveland because we're
                   going to Execute two of their citizens!!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Wendy, Mkay, if you want to start getting
                   political, I'll throw your skinny little
                   butt right back into rehab. Mkay?

                             CARTMAN
                   HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT GRADUATE ME?!
                   DOES THAT MEAN I HAVE TO STAY HERE?!

                             MR. MACKEY
                   No, Eric... I'm afraid it's phase two for
                   you...

        Dramatic MUSIC sting.

        INT. HELL - DAY

        Kenny is chained up in a torture chamber in Hell.  Demons and
        ghouls surround him.

                             SATAN
                   Prepare thyself for unending pain!
                   Unparalleled misery!!

        Kenny starts to cry.

        Saddam Hussein comes out from behind Satan holding a martini.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, relax Satan. Don't get all worked
                   up. You're gonna give yourself an ulcer
                   again.

                             KENNY
                   Mrph mprph!!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   What? What do you mean you don't belong
                   here? Relax guy, hell is for children.

                             KENNY
                   Mrph mprhm mm rmph!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   A deal? You wanna make a deal with the
                   devil. Well sure, deals are mounds o'
                   fun.

                             SATAN
                        (To Saddam)
                   Saddam, would you let me do my job
                   please!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey relax, guy. Let's see what the kid
                   wants.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rmph rm!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Oh, you want out of hell, huh?

                             SATAN
                   Well of COURSE he wants out of hell! The
                   whole POINT of hell is that you don't
                   WANT to be here!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Okay, kid, I have a deal for you! If you
                   want out of hell, all you have to do is
                   collect 10 proofs of purchases from
                   'Snacky Smores.'  They're rich,
                   chocolatey and really hit the spot. Bring
                   me ten proofs of purchases and we'll
                   grant you ANY WISH YOU WANT.

                             KENNY
                   Mrph?

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   I wouldn't bullshit you kid! Snacky
                   Smores are now available in stores
                   everywhere! No biggie!

        Saddam walks over to Kenny and releases his chains.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                        (To Kenny)
                   Well what are you waiting for pal?!  Get
                   to it!

        Kenny runs out and away.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   HA HA HAHA!! What a dumbass!!

        Saddam walks over and joins Satan on the couch.

                             SATAN
                   I don't see why you have to belittle me
                   in front of people like that.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, relax guy. It's just a cruel joke.
                   Rich, chocolatey Snacky Smores are only
                   available up on Earth. He'll never get
                   'em, see?

                             SATAN
                   Sometimes I just think you don't have any
                   respect for me.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, come here, guy.

        Saddam pulls Satan around and plants a big wet kiss on him.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Who's my cream puff?

                             SATAN
                   I am.

        INT. PTA MEETING - DAY

        A large crowd of parents has gathered for a PTA meeting.

        Kenny's mother is at a table selling dead Kenny t-shirts. She
        has a shitload of money all around her. Another MOTHER walks
        up, hands Kenny's mom money, and gets a shirt.

                             MOTHER
                   Is that a new pearl bracelet, Mrs.
                   McKormick?

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   Why yes. Yes it is.

        Meanwhile, Kyle's mother is on the stand.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   As our next official order of business
                   here at M.A.C., we will test the new V-
                   chip. As most of you know, the V-chip was
                   created to lock children out of watching
                   certain shows on television. And now the
                   N.I.H. has created a new, exciting
                   product that they can tell us all about.
                   Here is the Surgeon General, Dr.
                   Pangloss.

        DOCTOR PANGLOSS, a lab technician in white takes the podium.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Thank you, parents.

        One person claps. Pangloss hits a button and a slide
        projector starts showing pictures of the device.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   The machinery of the new 'V-chip' is very
                   simple, and similar to that of the V-
                   chip. The chip is placed just under the
                   subject's skin, where it emits a small
                   but painful shock of electricity whenever
                   an obscenity is uttered.

        The parents are fascinated.

                             STAN'S FATHER
                   Now wait a minute, are you telling us
                   that this chip somehow KNOWS if the kid
                   is swearing?

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   It's just like a lie detector. Certain
                   things happen in you when you swear just
                   like when you lie, the chip picks up on
                   this and gives the subject a shock.

        The parents AD LIB 'Ooohs' and 'Ahhhhs'

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   We are very excited to see the results of
                   this test.
                        (Calling)
                   Patient 453, would you step out here,
                   please?

        Cartman steps out wearing a hospital gown.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Patient 453 here has been fitted with the
                   new v-chip...

                             CARTMAN
                   My head hurts.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Don't worry about that. Now, I want you
                   to say 'Doggy.'

                             CARTMAN
                   Doggy.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Notice that nothing happens.
                        (To Cartman)
                   Now say 'Montana.'

                             CARTMAN
                   Montana.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Good. Now 'Pillow'.

                             CARTMAN
                   Pillow.

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Alright, now I want you to say
                   'horsefucker.'

        Cartman looks offstage to his mother.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Go ahead, it's alright, Eric.

        Cartman smiles.

                             CARTMAN
                   Horsefuck-

        BZZZZZAAAAT!!!!

                             CARTMAN
                   AGAAHGAHGAH!!!!!

        Cartman falls to the floor in pain. All the parents ooh and
        ahh and applaud.

                             CARTMAN
                   OW!! That HURT GOD DAMMI-

        BAZAAATTT!!

                             CARTMAN
                   OW!! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!! THIS ISN'T
                   FAIR!!! YOU SONS A BITCHE--

        BAZAAATTT!!

                             DOCTOR PANGLOSS
                   Success!! Our device works perfectly! We
                   will begin mass production immediately!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   And so we have succesfully removed the
                   Canadian smut from all of our children's
                   brains.
                   We have made changes at school to ensure
                   that our kids are NEVER AGAIN exposed to
                   smut!!!!!!! It's OVER!

        The crowd goes wild.

        EXT. SCHOOL - DAY

        School is now Naziesque. A military drum echoes in the
        distance.

        INT. CLASSROOM - SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY - DAY

        Stan and Kyle are sitting in their desks, waiting for school
        to begin.

        Wendy walks by on her way to her desk.

                             STAN
                   Hi Wendy.

                             WENDY
                        (Not even looking)
                   Hi Stan.

        Wendy walks on by.

                             KYLE
                   Wow, dude. Wendy could really give a rats
                   ass about you.

                             STAN
                        (Eyes still on Wendy)
                   I bet she would if my name was GREGORY!!

                             KYLE
                   Good thing she was never your
                   girlfriend... Dude, here comes Cartman.

        Cartman walks in and gingerly sits down.

                             KYLE
                   Hey, Cartman, did they put that V-chip in
                   your head or your ass?

                             STAN
                   What's the difference?

        Stan and Kyle laugh.

                             CARTMAN
                   Very funny dickhead-

        BZZAAT!  The v-chip shocks Cartman.

                             CARTMAN
                   OW!  FUCK-

        BZZZAAAT!!

                             CARTMAN
                   AY!

        Cartman is thrown to the floor in a shivering heap.

                             KYLE
                   Whoa!  What the hell was that?!

                             STAN
                   Dude!  It's the V-chip!  It shocks him
                   ever time he cusses!

        Stan and Kyle look at each other.  Kyle smiles.

                             KYLE
                   Hey Cartman.

                             CARTMAN
                   What?

                             KYLE
                   You know, me and Stan were just talking
                   about what a fat fucking hunk o' fat fuck
                   you are.

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh yeah?!  Well you're a monkey-shit-

        BZAAAT!

                             CARTMAN
                   SHIT-

        BZZZAAAT!!

                             CARTMAN
                   FUCK-

        BZZAAAT!!  The cycle continues as Stan and Kyle laugh merrily
        watching Cartman flopping around on the floor.

                             KYLE
                   This is sweet!!

                             STAN
                   Totally!

        Garrison stands before his class.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Okay, children, let's try a few new math
                   problems. What is five times two?

        The kids all just sit there.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Come on, children, do be shy, just give
                   it your best shot.

        Clyde raises his hand.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Yes, Clyde?

                             CLYDE
                   Twelve?

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Okay, now let's try to get an answer from
                   somebody who's not a complete retard.
                   Anyone? Come on don't be shy...

        Just then, the door bursts open and in walks a couple of Nazi
        looking American soldiers.

        They walk over to the children and start pulling off their
        'Free Terrance and Phillip' pins.

                             STAN
                   Hey, what are you doing?

                             SOLDIER
                   You can't wear these in school. It's
                   against school policy, thank you.

        Another solider rips off Kyle's pin and replaces it with a
        yellow star.

                             KYLE
                   What's that for?

                             SOLDIER 2
                   You get a star for doing well in school.

        Just as quickly, the soldiers make their way out the door.

                             WENDY
                   NAZIS!!

                             STAN
                   What's the matter, Wendy?

                             WENDY
                   Nothing, Stan. You wouldn't understand.

                             STAN
                        (To Kyle)
                   God damn it, why does she keep saying
                   that?

        INT. CAFETERIA - DAY

        The boys are in line. Nazi-ish soldiers usher them through.

                             STAN
                   I'm so sick of these soldiers.

                             KYLE
                   Yeah, they suck.

                             CARTMAN
                   I know.  Always saying, do this, do that.
                   They think they're so cooool.
                        (To the soldier)
                   Acht lieben kraft auct shpiler!
                        (BZZZT)
                   OW!!!

        The soldier glares at him. The boys walk into the kitchen,
        where they are greeted by their big, happy, black school
        CHEF!

                             CHEF
                   Hello there, children!!

                             STAN
                   Hey, Chef.

                             CHEF
                   How would like some Salisbury Steak with
                   buttered noodles?

                             KYLE
                   We can't, we're on a hunger strike.

                             CHEF
                   A hunger strike? For what?

                             STAN
                   To free Terrance and Phillip.

                             CARTMAN
                   But you guys... It's Salisbury steak.

                             STAN
                   Chef, do you know anything about women?

                             CHEF
                   Ha! Is the Pope Catholic?

                             KYLE
                   I don't know.

                             CHEF
                   Children, I know ALL there is to know
                   about women.

                             STAN
                   What's the secret to making a woman
                   happy?

                             CHEF
                        (Dishing out food)
                   Oh that's easy, you just gotta find the
                   clitoris.

                             STAN
                   Huh?

        Suddenly, Chef realizes who he's talking to.

                             CHEF
                   Oops, I guess you haven't got that far
                   in your anatomy class, huh?

                             STAN
                   No, what does that mean, find the
                   clitoris?

                             CARTMAN
                   Is that like finding Jesus or something?

        Now Chef starts to panic.

                             CHEF
                   Uh... Nothing. Forget I said anything.
                   Now move along, children! You're holding
                   up the line!

        Just then, the P.A. blares out an announcement.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA (O.S.)
                   ATTENTION ALL SOUTH PARK ELEMENTARY
                   STUDENTS AND STAFF! REPORT TO THE
                   GYMNASIUM IMMEDIATELY FOR A SPECIAL
                   ANNOUNCEMENT!!

                             STAN
                   Woa, I wonder what's going on, dude.

        INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

        All the elementary students are gathered in front of a large
        television monitor.

        Mr. Garrison and his class walk in and look confused.

        The boys walk up to Chef.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   Please take your seats, everyone!!!!

        They all go to their seats.

                             KYLE
                   What's going on, Chef?

                             CHEF
                   Something big, children.

        The television goes from that Emergency broadcast signal to a
        scene of a news anchor sitting at his desk.

                             NEWS ANCHOR
                       (Very serious)
                   This is a State of Emergency. We go now
                   to the White House for a VERY IMPORTANT
                   ANNOUNCEMENT from the President of the
                   United States.

        INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

        The President is sitting in a chair by the fireplace.

                             PRESIDENT CLINTON
                   Ladies and gentlemen... At five a.m.
                   today, a day which will live in infamy...
                   sort of... the U.S. has declared war on
                   Canada.

        ANGLE - KIDS

        They all stare in silence. Mr. Garrison takes a deep breath.

                             CHEF
                   Oh, no...

                             MR. MACKEY
                   I don't believe it.

                             CARTMAN
                   Holy crap-
                       (BZZZT!)
                   OW!! Hey crap isn't a swear word, what
                   the fuck?!
                       (ZZZZZZTTT)
                   AGAGAGH!!!

                             PRESIDENT CLINTON
                   All Canadians are to leave the country
                   immediately, or be subject to military
                   camps. All Canadian products are to be
                   thrown out.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   How can they do this?

                             MR. GARRISON
                   I never thought there would be war again
                   in my lifetime...

        INT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

                             PRESIDENT CLINTON
                   Do not be afraid of this war. Instead
                   embrace it. We have God on our side. And
                   besides, they're just Canadians, what the
                   hell are they gonna do?

        INT. GYMNASIUM - DAY

        Everyone watches the television in stunned silence.

                             STAN
                   Chef, what does it mean that we're at
                   war?

                             CHEF
                   It's... It's not good children.

                             PRINCIPAL VICTORIA
                   What do we do? Do we go on as normal
                   or...?

                             MR. GARRISON
                   I don't know Principal Victoria... I
                   don't know...

                             PRESIDENT
                   And now, I would like to bring up the
                   woman who led, and is still leading the
                   way in this glorious stand-

                             KYLE
                       (Pointing to TV)
                   HOLY SHIT DUDE!!

        Kyle's mom appears on the TV dressed in military garb.

                             PRESIDENT
                   Mrs. Sheila Brovlofski.

                             CHEF
                   Isn't that your mother, Kyle?

        Kyle can't believe it.

        On the television, Kyle's mother walks up to the podium. She
        is dressed to the hilt. She hugs the President and the first
        lady and then takes a deep breath.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   My fellow Americans. I have led this
                   fight in the War against profanity. I
                   have founded Mothers Against Canada.  Our
                   neighbor to the north has abused us for
                   the last time.

                             PRESIDENT
                   As Commander in chief, I have ordered our
                   Army to set up defensive positions along
                   the US-Canada border in anticipation of
                   an attack.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What about air strikes?

                             PRESIDENT
                   Huh?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   We have to have air strikes on their
                   military and entertainment centers.  It's
                   the only way to ensure that their smut
                   can't reach American soil!

                             PRESIDENT
                   Oh, uh...  I don't know if air strikes
                   are necessary.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Not necessary?!  Mr. President, may I
                   remind you that our country's heart and
                   soul are at stake, and our children's
                   minds are the battlefield!
                   The bastard Canadians want to fight us
                   because we won't tolerate their potty
                   mouths. Well, if it is war they want...
                   THEN WAR THEY SHALL HAVE!!!

        A huge eruption of cheers from the crowd in front of Kyle's
        mother. She is obviously floored by it. She can't help but
        smile. She actually holds her head up higher, and then raises
        her arms up in two peace signs, as the cheers get louder.

        The president forces a smile and actually applauds with the
        rest of the crowd.

        Back in the gymnasium, Kyle looks thoroughly embarrassed.

                             CHEF
                   Damn, your mom's a bitch, Kyle.

                             CARTMAN
                   Amen to that.

        INT. HELL - DAY

        Kenny is sadly walking around hell. He walks up to another
        one of hell's prisoners.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rm?

                             GEORGE BURNS
                   Snacky Smores? Why the hell would I have
                   proofs of purchases from Snacky Smores?
                   Beat it, kid.

        Kenny moves along. He hears some voices coming from a door.
        Kenny opens the door and peeps inside-

        INT. SATAN'S BEDROOM - KENNY'S POV

        Saddam and Satan are lying in bed.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   You just get cranky when you're tired,
                   that's all.  I told you that you
                   shouldn't have tried to carry that futon
                   all by yourself.

                             SATAN
                   I'm not cranky.  And that futon was not
                   too big to carry myself-

        Just then, Satan hears a reporter on CNN.

                             TV
                   In war news, countries from Europe and
                   Asia are joining sides in the Canadian-
                   American War-

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   -Listen butterbuns, let's make love and
                   forget about the whole thing-

                             SATAN
                   SHHH!!!!

                             TV
                   ...The death count is already on its way
                   to 10 million with no signs of slowing
                   down.  What started as a spat between the
                   United States and Canada is quickly
                   turning into World War III-

        Kenny's eyes bulge, he wants to see more, but Satan clicks
        off the television and sits up in bed.

                             SATAN
                   It has come to be...  The Four Horsemen
                   are drawing nigh!  The time of the
                   prophecy is upon us!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Oh I love when you get all biblical
                   Satan.  You know exactly how to turn my
                   crank!

                             SATAN
                   No I'm being serious! Those Canadian
                   entertainers are to be killed. It is the
                   seventh sign.

        Satan walks over to large pedestal which holds an ancient
        tome.  Satan turns the pages as he talks.

                             SATAN
                   Behold, the signs of my reign on earth
                   are all falling into place!  The fall of
                   an empire-

        He points to an ancient-looking picture of the death of
        Ceasar.

                             SATAN
                   -The coming of a comet-

        He points to a picture of a comet passing by Earth.

                             SATAN
                   Jerry Springer's movie doing more than
                   ten million box office-

        A picture of Jerry Springer holding a bunch of money.

                             SATAN
                   ....And now....

        Satan points to an ancient drawing on the wall. It looks like
        Terrance and Phillip being stabbed in the head.

                             SATAN
                   The seventh sign!  When the blood of
                   these Canadians touches American soil...
                   It will be my time to rise!!!!!

        DRAMATIC music.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Yeah!  YEAH!!!  Man I'm getting so HOT!!!

                             SATAN
                   Do you always think about sex?  I'm
                   talking about some very important stuff
                   here!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Listen buttercup, let's make love and
                   forget about the whole thing.

                             SATAN
                   Is sex the only thing that matters to
                   you?

        Saddam thinks for a second.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   I love you.

        Satan sits with his arms crossed and a frown.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   You know I do.

                             SATAN
                   I know.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   So what do you say we shut off that light
                   and get close, huh?

        Satan reaches over and turns off the light.  Everything goes
        pitch black. The light goes off of Kenny's face as well.

        A beat.

        Then, a small moan from Satan.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Yeah, you like that, don't you bitch?

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE - DAY

        Stan and Kyle are walking down South Park Avenue. Stan is
        reading out of a huge book.

                             KYLE
                   Does it say what the clitoris is?

                             STAN
                   All it says is that it's above the
                   vulva... But where the hell is the vulva?

                             KYLE
                   Isn't that in Arizona or something?

        Stan and Kyle walk into the middle of town, where a HUGE
        bonfire of Terrance and Phillip videos, posters, and Canadian
        items like syrup and hockey sticks are burning away.

        The soldiers throw Stan's book on top of the pile, and it
        starts to burn.

        Stan and Kyle walk up to where Cartman is standing.

                             STAN
                   What is this?

                             CARTMAN
                   They're burning all the Canadian stuff
                   cause of the war.

                             STAN
                   That book wasn't Canadian!

        Clyde, one of the kids from school, throws his Terrance and
        Phillip dolls into the burning mass.

        Kyle stops him on his way back.

                             KYLE
                   Dude, don't you like Terrance and Phillip
                   anymore?

                             CLYDE
                   Of course not! We're at war! My daddy
                   says I HATE Canadians now!

        More kids line up to burn their Terrance and Phillip stuff.

        Several random mothers from M.A.C. are standing in front of
        the bonfire with anti-Canadian signs and T-shirts. The boys'
        parents aren't around, but another MAC mother is leading the
        charge.

                             MAC MOTHER
                   THAT'S IT! BURN EVERYTHING CANADIAN!!!
                   MAKE OUR COUNTRY DECENT AGAIN FOR OUR
                   CHILDREN!!!

        A townsperson throws Alanis Morisette albums into the fire.

        Another townsperson runs up and throws in a bag of Cheesy
        Poofs.
   
                          CARTMAN
                   NNOOOO!!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! OH, WHY
                   GOD, WHY?!
   
        Cartman falls to his knees and cries as the Cheesy Poofs burn
        away.

                             CARTMAN
                   This is all cause of your mom, Kyle.
                   She's such a bitch-
                       (BBBZAATT!!)
                   AGH!! I mean - she's such a... meanie.

                             KYLE
                   And she's getting worse...

                             STAN
                   Dude... Isn't that your brother?

        Kyle looks to where a group of big, mean FIFTH GRADERS have
        encircled Ike.

                             FIFTH GRADER
                   Why don't you go back to your own
                   country, CANADIAN!

                             FIFTH GRADER 2
                   Yeah, go eat some potatoes and ride
                   donkeys!

                             IKE
                   Eee todo ba!

        Kyle's eyes grow wide. He dashes over.

                             KYLE
                   Hey! Leave him alone!

                             FIFTH GRADER
                   It's just a smelly Canadian. They're like
                   rats.

                             KYLE
                   He's my brother!

                             FIFTH GRADER
                   You don't look Canadian.

                             KYLE
                   He's adopted!

        Kyle picks his brother up and tries to protect him.

                             FIFTH GRADER
                   Well you better get his beady eyed
                   Canadian ass out of America before my
                   daddy finds him!!

        The boys watch in horror as the fifth graders run over and
        throw more Canadian items into the fire.

                             KYLE
                   It's only a matter of time before my mom
                   has HIM burned too!

                             STAN
                   What has the world come to? This is
                   horrible. We're locked up, burning books,
                   hating other people-

                             CARTMAN
                   -no Cheesy Poofs.

                             STAN
                   -No Cheesy Poofs... What the hell is
                   happening?

        DRAMATIC MUSIC begins.

                             KYLE
                   I don't know. But it has gone far enough!
                   I'm sick of it!
                       (Singing)
                   Something must be done!
                   Change has got to come around!
                   They're taking all our laughter
                   and burning it to the ground!
                   Can't you see what this is leading
                   to?
                   A world of chains and ties and
                   glue!
                   We have to fight before they've
                   taken every one!
                   Something must be done!

                             STAN
                   I agree! The only way to save our future
                   is to unite and fight!
                       (Singing)
                   Something must be done!
                   We must take action fast!
                   My parents have gotten so strict
                   they forgot they were children in
                   the past!

                              CARTMAN
                   And my mom has become so bu-sy
                   that she's raising heck and
                   ignoring me
                   I agree that there is now a battle
                   to be won!
                   Something must be done!

                             STAN
                   But what are we going to do against this
                   entire army?

                             KYLE
                   We've gotta get the word out. We'll get
                   on my dad's computer and use the
                   internet! Come on you guys!

        The boys proudly head down the street.

                             BOYS
                   Something must be done!
                   Something's gotta give!
                   This world has become a bitch in
                   which
                   we have no desire to live!

        (*note- cartman gets shocked again on 'bitch')

                             BOYS
                   We've pushed it to the edge
                   And now the time has come!
                   Something's gotta change!
                   Something must be done!
                   Something must be done!!!

        INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - KYLE'S DAD'S OFFICE

        Kyle is at the keyboard of his dad's computer. Stan and
        Cartman are waiting in the background.

                             KYLE
                   Okay... I just need to find a few private
                   message boards...

                             STAN
                   Wait! Before we put a message out, do a
                   search on the word 'clitoris'.

                             KYLE
                   Okay...

        Kyle types in the word and hits return.

                             KYLE
                       (Reading the screen)
                   "Found Eight Million Pages With the Word
                   Clitoris"!

                             STAN
                   Wow!

                             KYLE
                   I'll just try the first one.

        Kyle clicks the mouse. They wait for the screen to load.
        Finally, it does.

                             KYLE
                   Dude! It's a lady giving a blow job to a
                   horse!

        Stan and Cartman rush over.

                             STAN
                   Is it Cartman's mom?

                             CARTMAN
                   Very funny!

                             KYLE
                   Hey... It IS Cartman's mom!!

        Cartman looks at the screen.

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh, son of a bitch!
                       (ZZAP!!)
                   AAGHGH!! I mean, son of a biscuit!

                             STAN
                   Maybe THAT'S who your father is, Cartman!

        Ike bounces in, happily.

                             IKE
                   Ber dada!

                             KYLE
                   Get out of here Ike, you're too young for
                   this stuff!

                             IKE
                   Papa mama simi.

        Ike bounces out.

                             CARTMAN
                   Come on, just get to the message board!

                             KYLE
                   I'm trying, I can't find a Canadian
                   server... I've got to break into the main
                   frame...

        Kyle furiously hits a bunch of keys.

                             KYLE
                   Damn it! They've got an access code! I'll
                   try to reroute the encryptions...

        Kyle furiously hits a bunch more keys.

                             STAN
                   Dude, do you know what you're doing?

                             KYLE
                   No, dude, all you have to do is hit the
                   keys really fast and say a bunch of
                   stupid shit and it works.
   
        Just then the screen pops up. Access Granted.

                             KYLE
                   Bingo. Okay, here we go...
                       (Typing)
                   Want to help Terrance and Phillip? Meet
                   us for a meeting at Gladdy's barn
                   tomorrow night...

                             CARTMAN
                   Tell 'em we'll have pie and punch.

                             KYLE
                   We're not gonna have pie and punch!

                             CARTMAN
                   More people will come if they think
                   there'll be pie and punch!

                             KYLE
                       (Typing)
                   pie and punch... This is Top Secret. The
                   password is...

        The boys all think...

                             STAN
                       (Dramatically)
                   La Resistance.

        Triumphant MUSIC cue.

        INT. KYLE'S ATTIC

        The door to the attic pops open.  Kyle shoves Ike up into the
        attic.

                             KYLE
                   You stay up here in the attic, Ike.
                   Don't make any noises or nothing, okay?

                             IKE
                   Uhh...

                             KYLE
                   Goodnight, Ike, we're all going to bed.

        The door closes and it is dark.

        Ike blinks. He looks out a small window, onto the street
        below.

        A few armed soldiers walk by.

        Ike pulls out a little plastic harmonica and sadly starts to
        play.

        INT. PENTAGON - NIGHT

        Tons of MILITARY PERSONNEL are running to and fro. Giant
        computer screens show Canada's latest attacks.

                             SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
                   Sir! The Canadians have destroyed Des
                   Moines!!

                             PRESIDENT
                   How can you tell?

        Everyone laughs merrily.

                             SECRETARY OF DEFENSE
                   Good one, sir!

        Suddenly, a PENTAGON GUY runs up to the President, holding
        some papers.

                             PENTAGON GUY
                   Sir, we're tracking a signal crossing
                   into Canadian computers! It looks like we
                   may have a resistance movement
                   starting...

        The President grabs the papers and dashes over to Kyle's
        mother, who is standing there looking smug, with her arms
        behind her back and her chest out. She has a few military
        badges on her.

                             PRESIDENT
                       (Showing her the papers)
                   Ma'am, we're tracking a resistance...
                   It's probably Canadian spies!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Well find out where that signal is coming
                   from!  Then hunt them down like dogs!
                   Any and all Canadian influence must be
                   stopped at all cost!

                             PRESIDENT
                   Yes ma'am!

        The President starts to run off.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   And Bill?

                             PRESIDENT
                   Yes?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   I'm needing lunch.

                             PRESIDENT
                   Right away, ma'am!

        The president runs off.

        EXT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

        Establishing.

                             RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                   And so the draft will begin tomorrow, as
                   more and more troops are needed to fight
                   the Canadian forces...

        INT. CARTMAN'S HOUSE - NIGHT

        Cartman's mother is tucking him into bed.

                             RADIO ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
                   What is quickly being referred to as 'The
                   Great Canadian-American War' has already
                   reached a death toll of two million.

        Cartman's mother reaches over and switches off the radio.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Goodnight, honey.

                             CARTMAN
                   Mom... When is the war gonna be over?

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   I don't know honey. Soon we hope. You
                   want it to end quickly, huh?

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh, I don't care, I was just asking cuz
                   all my favorite TV shows have been
                   replaced by news and it's pissing me off.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Oh.

        With that, Cartman's mother gets up-

                             CARTMAN
                   Mom...

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Yes, hon?

                             CARTMAN
                   If you went down on a horse... You'd tell
                   me, right?

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Sure, hon. Goodnight.

        She switches off the light, and leaves.

        Cartman lies there, lit only by soft, blue moonlight and
        thinks.

        He hears a SCRAPING noise, and looks a little scared, but
        then tries to close his eyes to sleep.

                             CARTMAN
                   Go away, scary noise.

        Again the SCRAPING. Cartman pops open hs eyes to see -

        KENNY! He is transparent and floating above Cartman's bed.

        Cartman is horrified. Too much so to even scream.

        Kenny puts his hands to his mouth to try and speak, but he
        makes no sound.

        Finally, Cartman lets out a piercing cry.

        Cartman's mother comes running in, just as the image of Kenny
        disappears.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Eric?! Eric, what is it?!

                             CARTMAN
                   I saw him!! I saw Kenny!!

        Cartman's mother looks around and sees nothing. Finally, she
        just cradles Cartman's fat head in her arms.

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Oh you poor dear. You've been through so
                   much...

                             CARTMAN
                   I bet him he couldn't set himself on fire
                   and now he's all pissed off!!
                       (BZZTZT!)
                   AGH! I can't say pissed off?!
                       (BAZZTZT!!)
                   AGH!!

        INT. HELL - DAY (MOVED)

        Kenny is again snooping around. He quietly creaks Satan's
        door open and walks in.

        Satan is in his room, looking at a map of Earth.

                             SATAN
                   The execution of Terrance and Phillip is
                   imminent, soon all hell shall rise!!

        Kenny looks scared.

                             SATAN
                       (Evil and scary)
                   Are you afraid, little one? Afraid for
                   the souls of your pitiful friends that-

        Suddenly, Saddam walks in carrying some bags.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey Satan!  I got some great new home
                   furnishings today!

        Satan rolls his eyes and sighs. His attempt to be evil to
        Kenny is squashed again.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Boy buddy Rich, it was a bitch to get
                   something to match with that bathroom
                   tile!

        Saddam looks at Kenny.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Oh, hey kid. Find those proofs of
                   purchases yet? No?! Gee, whatta surprise!
                   Well, keep lookin!

        A beat. Satan folds his arms and looks at the floor, pissed.

                             SATAN
                   Do you wanna know what I did today?

        Saddam lets out a sigh.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   What did you do today Satan?

                             SATAN
                   You don't care.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey fella!  Relax!  This whole armageddon
                   thing has got you all stressed out. Let's
                   make love.

                             SATAN
                   Do you remember when you first got here?
                   We used to talk all night long. Until the
                   sun came up... We would just lie in bed
                   and TALK.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   That's because I wanted to fuck you,
                   dumbass! Now hows aboot you get those
                   pants down!

                             SATAN
                   Don't call me dumb!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   I mean cute dumb. Now bend over!

        As this conversation happens, Kenny's eyes dart back and
        forth as if watching a tennis match.

                             SATAN
                   How come you always want to make love to
                   me from behind? Is it because you want to
                   pretend I'm somebody else?

        Saddam sighs.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Satan, your ass is gigantic and red, who
                   am I gonna pretend you are? Helen Reddy?

        A beat.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Come on, kid. Help me with these shower
                   curtains.

        Saddam and Kenny walk out. Leaving Satan all alone with sad
        music playing.

                             SATAN
                       (Gently)
                   Sometimes I think
                   When I look up real high
                   That there's a whole world up there
                   And just maybe it could be mine
                   But then, I sink
                   because it's here I'm supposed to
                   stay
                   but I don't even know how or why
                   its supposed to be that way-

        Satan walks to his veranda.

                             SATAN
                   Up there, there is so much room
                   Where babies burp and flowers bloom
                   Everyone dreams I can dream too
                   Up there, Up where
                   The skies are ocean blue
                   I could be safe and live without a
                   care... Up there

        Satan walks over to a bright blue globe and spins it slowly.

                             SATAN
                   They say I don't belong
                   That my place is down below
                   Because of my beliefs I'm supposed
                   to stay where evil is sewn
                   But what is evil anyway?
                   Is there reason to the rhyme?
                   Without evil there could be no good
                   So it must be good to be evil
                   sometimes
                   Up there, there is so much room
                   Where babies burp and flowers bloom.
                   Everyone dreams I can dream too
                   Up there, Up where
                   The skies are ocean blue
                   I could be safe and life without a
                   care... Up there

        PULL BACK, big crane shot rising above Satan.

        EXT. SMALL ABANDONED BUILDING - NIGHT

        A dim light is all that is visible from inside the small
        building.

        INT. LA RESISTANCE - NIGHT

        Stan and Kyle are painting a sign on the wall 'La
        Resistance'.

        Cartman comes running in, he looks scared.

                             KYLE
                   You're late, Cartman!

                             CARTMAN
                   I had to ride my bike here. My behind is
                   killing me.

                             KYLE
                   Your behind?

                             CARTMAN
                   I have to say 'behind'! I get shocked if
                   I say 'ass-
                       (BBZZAATT)
                   OW!!!

                             KYLE
                   Did you bring the pie and punch?

                             CARTMAN
                   No you guys... Something happened... You
                   guys wanna hear something creepy?
                       (Looking over each shoulder)
                   I don't think Kenny is dead.

                             STAN
                   What?

                             CARTMAN
                   I saw him last night!

                             KYLE
                   I know Cartman, I know.  I see Kenny
                   every day.

                             CARTMAN
                   YOU DO?!

                             KYLE
                   Sure, dude.  On the face of every child,
                   on the smile of every baby...

        Kyle and Stan laugh again.

                             CARTMAN
                   Hey!  I'm telling you this WAS Kenny! I
                   think he's haunting me.

        KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

        The boys all look scared.

                             KYLE
                   Somebody's here...

        The boys walk over to the door, and open the sliding panel in
        front of their eyes.

                             KYLE
                   Who is it?

                             VOICE
                   Uhh... I'm here for La Resistance.

                             KYLE
                   What's the password?

                             VOICE
                   Uhh... I don't know.

                             KYLE
                   Guess.

                             VOICE
                   Uhh... Bacon.

                             KYLE
                   Okay.

        Kyle opens the door. The golden haired young boy from rehab
        stands there looking handsome and angelic.

                             GREGORY
                   Viva la Resistance.

                             STAN
                   Oh no, it's that kid.

                             GREGORY
                   This is the place--

        Another kid walks up next to Gregory, it's Wendy. Stan's eyes
        grow wide.

                             STAN
                   Wendy?

                             WENDY
                   Stan?! YOU started La Resistance?

                             GREGORY
                   Well, apparently you have a bigger heart
                   than we thought. Let us get this meeting
                   underway, there are others coming.

        Gregory takes Wendy's hand and pushes his way in. Stan fumes.

        INT. LA RESISTANCE - LATER

        Now the room is filled with a bunch of scared looking
        RESISTANCE FOLLOWERS. All of whom are under the age of
        twelve.

        The room is lit only by candlelight. And the large 'VIVA LA
        RESISTANCE' banner hands on the wall.

        Stan and Kyle look nervous.

                             STAN
                   Everyone be seated, please.

        The kids all sit down.

                             KYLE
                   Wow, a lot of people showed up.

                             STAN
                   Yeah, so what do we say?

                             KYLE
                   I thought you had something planned.

                             STAN
                   Me?!

        Stan looks out over the faces. Gregory checks his watch.

                             STAN
                       (Nervous)
                   Kay. Uh... Terrance and Phillip are
                   supposed to be killed, and we think that
                   sucks ass!!

        The kids don't respond. Stan shoots a nervous look at Wendy,
        who is sitting next to Gregory.

                             STAN
                   Uhh... So we think we should prank call a
                   bunch of policemen! We can have pizzas
                   sent to them that they didn't order! VIVA
                   LA RESISTANCE!!!

        Again no response. Gregory rolls his eyes.

                             STAN
                   Uhh...

        Gregory stands up.

                             GREGORY
                   May I?

                             STAN
                   What?

        Gregory takes Stan's place at the front of the group.

                             GREGORY
                   Terrance and Phillip are currently being
                   held at a Canadian Internment camp two
                   kilometers outside of town.
                   They are to be executed tomorrow during a
                   star-studded USO show for the troops.

        Gregory pulls a big map out of nowhere and rolls it out. Stan
        and Kyle can't believe it.

                             GREGORY
                   We must sneak into the camp through this
                   duct, freeing Terrance and Phillip
                   inside... The war is escalating, and the
                   American forces are preparing for a large
                   scale attack on Canada. That means the
                   time is now...

                             KYLE
                   Wow, dude, Wendy's new guy is smart.

        Stan shoots Kyle a dirty look.

                             GREGORY
                   This is a dangerous mission, so I'll go
                   myself.

        Wendy smiles at Gregory.

                             STAN
                   No!

        Everyone looks at Stan.

                             STAN
                   WE'RE going! WE started La Resistance to
                   save Terrance and Phillip! We're going!

                             GREGORY
                   This will be very dangerous... Are you
                   quite sure?

                             CARTMAN
                   Fuck that!
                       (BZZT)
                   AGAGH!!

                             STAN
                   We're going... Let's run through the
                   plan!!

        INT. SOUTH PARK - AMERICAN ARMY HEADQUARTERS

        A huge hall is filled with hundreds of soldiers in different
        battalions.

        We see our regulars: Mr. Garrison with a uniformed Mr. Hat,
        Mr. Mackey, Jimbo and Ned, Bo, Pip, Stan's Grandfather,
        Jesus, Officer Barbrady....

                             JIMBO
                   Oh, I'm so glad there's a war again. I
                   was gettin' worried I'd never see another
                   one!

                             NED
                   I know what you mean.

                             JIMBO
                   And they're giving all us troops a big
                   USO tomorrow with celebrities and
                   executions!

        PAN OVER to Mr. Garrison.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   You look great in your new uniform Mr.
                   Hat.

                             MR. HAT
                   You do too, Mr. Garrison.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Boy, I can't wait for our first shore-
                   leave so I can go get me some poontang.

        Chef sits down in a seat behind Garrison near the back.

        GENERAL PLYMKIN, a gruff old army type with bug eyes, steps
        up to a podium and addresses the troops.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   PAY ATTENTION!

        The crowd settles down.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   It's no secret that the Evil Canadian
                   Federation has scored major victories all
                   over the United State.  We have brought
                   you here because you ar America's best,
                   and last hope.

        Another general leans over to Plymkin and whispers in his
        ear.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Oh... Apparently you're not the best,
                   you're simply the last. Anyway, let's
                   strategize... Map!

        A large, holographic 3-D map of South Park springs up in
        front of him.  He walks around it pointing out things with a
        laser-pointer.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Our sources have told us that the
                   Canadians might try to attach tomorrow's
                   USO show and stop us from executing
                   Terrance and Phillip.

        He points to a spot on the 3-D map.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Now each battalion has a specific code-
                   name and mission.  Battalion 5, raise
                   your hands-

        Chef is in Battalion 5 and dutifully raises his hand.

        Then he looks around and notices to his surprise that
        everybody else in his section is also African American.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   You will be the all-important first
                   defense wave, which we will call
                   'Operation Human Shield'.

                             CHEF
                   Hey, wait a minute...

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Now keep in mind, 'Operation Human
                   Shield' will suffer heavy losses.  But
                   don't lose your spirit men!  Stay until
                   the bitter end.  Battalion 14?

        A bunch of white guys raise their hands.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Right, you are 'Operation Get Behind The
                   Darkies'.  You will follow Battalion 5
                   here-

        He points to a spot on the 3-D map.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   -and try not to get killed for God's
                   Sake.  Are there any questions men?

        Chef raises his hand.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Yes soldier?

                             CHEF
                   Have you ever heard of the Emancipation
                   Proclamation?

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   I don't listen to hip-hop.

        Chef scowls.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   If you somehow live, we will regroup on
                   this hill outside--

        Suddenly, the 3-D hologram starts to flicker and fizzle.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Now what's wrong with this thing?

        General Plymkin messes with the controls.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Fucking windows 98!

        General Plymkin has pulled the plug. He stands there with
        the cord in his hands.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   GET GATES IN HERE!!!

        BILL GATES walks in, escorted by two MILITARY GUARDS.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   YOU TOLD US WINDOWS 98 WOULD BE FASTER
                   AND MORE EFFICIENT WITH BETTER ACCESS TO
                   THE INTERNET!!!

                             BILL GATES
                   It is faster, over five million--

        Plymkin pulls out a gun and shoots him in the head. Gates
        falls to the floor, dead.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Alright men, get lots of rest, and
                   prepare thyselves for battle!

        INT. LA RESISTANCE - NIGHT

        In the dead of night, the kids are all in a circle discussing
        the plan.

                             GREGORY
                   ...after you clear this zone here,
                   rendezvous behind this ridge where
                   Terrance and Phillip should be held.

                             KYLE
                   Gotcha.

                             GREGORY
                   You are indeed brave, but you will need
                   someone who's done this sort of thing
                   before.  MOLE!

        Suddenly, a bump in the ground starts to move forward, leaving
        a trail behind it. (like bugs bunny before he pops out)

        The bump comes to a stop at the children's feet and out pops
        THE MOLE.  He is a very bitter little nine year old French
        kid with a THICK French accent.

                             VOICE
                   Oui?

                             GREGORY
                   Thank you for coming, Mole.

                             THE MOLE
                   So... We must free more Canadian
                   prizoners?

                             KYLE
                   Yeah, I guess.

                             THE MOLE
                   America... She iz a beetch that sheets on
                   her own children.

        Stan and Kyle look at each other confused.

                             GREGORY
                   This is the Mole.  He will accompany you
                   to the prison where Terrance and Phillip
                   are.  He is an expert in covert
                   operations and a lifelong fighter for
                   freedom.

                             THE MOLE
                   Freedom... It's like cow's urine poured
                   down your troat. You wonder 'Do I want
                   this?' I'm thersty... But it's urine.

        Everyone stares at The Mole.

                             GREGORY
                   Good luck Stan, I'll make sure Wendy
                   is... kept safe?

        Stan gets pissed.

                             KYLE
                   Give me Terrance and Phillip or give me
                   death!!!

                             OTHERS
                   YEA!!!

        Now, Gregory breaks into song. His voice is absolutely
        gorgeous and deep. He puts his hand on Stan's shoulder.

                             GREGORY
                   God has smiled upon you this day
                   The fate of a nation in your
                   hands...

        Stan and Kyle look at each other. They can't believe how good
        this guy's voice is. Wendy appears enthralled.

                             GREGORY
                   As brothers and sisters we unite
                   And behind you we shall fight!
                   Until only the most righteous
                   belief stands!

        The music builds. Gregory gets up on a soapbox.

                             GREGORY
                   Do you see the distant flames?
                   they bellow in the night
                   Fight in all our names
                   For what we know is right
                   And if you all get shot and cannot
                   carry on
                   Though you die, La Resistance
                   lives on!

                             KYLE
                   What? Shot?

        Kyle and the boys look a little worried, as other kids join
        in the song.

                             KIDS
                   You might get stabbed in the head
                   by a dagger or a sword
                   You might be burned to death
                   or skinned alive or worse!

                             GREGORY
                   But when they torture you
                   You will not feel a need to run
                   For though you die, La Resistance
                   Lives on!

                             KIDS
                   Do you hear the beating drum?
                   It is our hearts all joined to one
                   It is the music of our souls
                   knowing we have much to overcome!

        As THE SONG CONTINUES we-

                                                              CUT TO:

        EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT

        The MAC Mothers are on a stage, preparing two electric
        chairs.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Something must be done!
                   Tomorrow it will be!
                   We're going to execute this threat
                   to our democracy!

        All the mothers join in as they decorate the chairs with
        American flags. Kenny's mother is counting money she has made
        from selling t-shirts.

                             M.A.C. MOTHERS
                   And after that our kids will be
                   safe from all the Canadian scum!
                   The time is now the time is here
                   Tomorrow something will be done!

        The song still CONTINUES as we

                                                              CUT TO:

        EXT. HELL - CONTINUOUS

        Satan stands on his veranda.

                             SATAN
                   I want to be part of that world!
                   But if only I had the strength to
                   go without HIM...
                   If only I had the strength to leave
                   him behind...
                   Get on with my life in that
                   world...
                   Start over as part of that world...

                                                              CUT TO:

        INT. MILITARY BARRACKS - CONTINUOUS

        The soldiers, including Garrison, Mackey, Ned and Jimbo are
        in their bunks.

                             SOLDIERS
                   Tomorrow we face our destiny!
                   Tomorrow we fight to keep our
                   country free!
                   Death to Canada! Death to them all!
                   Like our forefathers we shall
                   answer the call!

        PAN DOWN to Chef's bunk where he is lying naked with a hot
        chick. As usual, Chef sings a song that has absolutely no
        relevance to what's going on.

                             CHEF
                       (Stroking woman's arm)
                   Baby your thighs sparkle like
                   diamonds
                   Baby your butt is tender like the
                   night
                   I can see by the look in your pants
                   that you want to treat me right.
                   I'll whisper sweet nothings in your
                   cleavage
                   And you can kiss me gently with
                   your tongue
                   And I'll make love to you so deeply
                   That you'll feel pressure clear up
                   to your lungs.

        Meanwhile, the soldiers continue their song.

                             SOLDIERS
                   Something must be done!
                   Something's gotta give!
                   Tomorrow we will be free or we will no
                   longer live!

                                                              CUT TO:

        INT. MILITARY PRISON - CONTINUOUS

        Terrance and Phillip are chained to the wall in a dark, dirty
        prison cell. Two armed American soldiers are torturing
        Terrance and Phillip with hot irons, as Terrance and Phillip
        sing-

                             TERRANCE & PHILLIP
                   Shut your fucking face Unclefucka!
                   You're an ass raping cock sucking
                   Unclefucka!!!

                                                              CUT TO:

        EXT. LA RESISTANCE - CONTINUOUS

        The kids are all gathered together, finishing their song.

        One kid grabs a large flag and starts swirling it around.

                             KIDS
                   Let it echo through the night!
                   Let it reach the ears of everyone!
                   Though we die
                   La Resistance lives on!
                   Though we die
                   La Resistance lives onnnn!!!!!
                   Ah- AHHHH!!!

                                                            FADE OUT.

        EXT. SOUTH PARK AVENUE

        All the South Park men are in the rank and file marching down
        the street.

                             OFFICER
                       (Singing)
                   I don't know but I've been told-

                             SOLDIERS
                   I DON'T KNOW BUT I'VE BEEN TOLD!
   
        They pass Kyle's house.

        INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - ATTIC

        Ike watches the soldiers march from his little attic window.

                             OFFICER (O.S.)
                   Canadian pussy is mighty cold!

                             SOLDIERS (O.S.)
                   CANADIAN PUSSY IS MIGHTY COLD!

        Ike blinks.  Does he understand them? he picks up a small
        book and starts to write in it.

        INT. HELL - DAY

        Satan paces back and forth in hell.

                             SATAN
                   This is it! World War Three is at hand!
                   The millennium nears!

        Satan crosses to one of his small demons.

                             SATAN
                   Prepare the minions for the rising of
                   Gothos!

        The demon dashes off.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   This is so exciting! Let's fuck!

        Satan sighs and bows his head.

                             SATAN
                   This is the millennium, Saddam! This is
                   Armageddon! There's more to life than
                   sex!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, relax guy!

                             SATAN
                   Well I just want you to be impressed with
                   what I do. I want you to respect my MIND.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   I DO respect your mind! It turns me on!
                   It makes me wanna fuck the shit out of
                   you! Don't you see?

        MUSIC BEGINS.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                       (Singing)
                   Hey guy, relax, put out
                   You gotta put out for me!
                   I'm just a man with needs
                   And right now I need your
                   generosity!
                   I love your eyes, your nose and
                   lips
                   So drop those pants and do some
                   dips
                   Come on guy, you gotta relax
                   relax, put out for me!

        Kenny looks confused.

                             SATAN
                   What if I, don't wanna put out?
                   That's all you ever say
                   Relax put out
                   I'm a living creature, I have
                   feelings too, I don't need this
                   abuse from you-

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, guy, relax, put out!
                   You gotta relax, shut your mouth-
                   Baby I'd do anything for ya!
                   Now don't make me smack you in the
                   eye like last time-

        Kenny keeps watching as Saddam throws on a Shakey's hat and
        does a quick softshoe. Satan rolls his eyes.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   I get what I want, and what I want
                   is for youuuuu toooo put ooooout!!!

        Saddam finishes the song and Satanhangs his head.

                             SATAN
                   What if I just left?

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Where're you gonna go, bitch? Besides,
                   you know that if you left me, I'd hunt
                   you down and kill you, right? I'm gonna
                   go grab a drink.

        Saddam leaves. Satan looks about to cry, but then notices
        Kenny still standing there.

                             SATAN
                   What are you doing?! Get on with your
                   misery!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rm?

                             SATAN
                   Him? I don't know... He can be nice...
                   sometimes.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rm.

                             SATAN
                   What do you mean?! I could leave him if I
                   wanted to!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rm. Rmph rm rmph rm.

        Satan lowers his head. Slowly he starts to cry. Kenny walks
        over and pats him on the back.

        EXT. MILITARY COMPOUND

        Tents and makeshift buildings are lined up against the
        mountains.  Jeeps and Tanks buzz to and fro.

        There's a huge stage which is set up with thousands of seats.
        There's a giant banner reading "USO SHOW TONIGHT!!!!!"

        Loads of soldiers file into their seats.

                             ANNOUNCER
                   Alright you men! The USO show is about to
                   start!!

        The military men go wild.

                             ANNOUNCER
                   Get ready for loads of entertainment and
                   fabulous celebrities! To be followed
                   immediately by the swift and nasty
                   execution of Terrance and Elroy!

        The crowd goes crazy again.

        EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - BEHIND THE USO SHOW - DUSK

        Right out of Nazi Germany.  Barbed wire, guards, the whole
        bit.

        ANGLE ON BOYS

        They are on their backs, shimmying along the ground
        underneath the blanket of razor-wire that is set up around
        the camp.

        The Mole uses the bolt-cutters to cut the wire as he goes,
        clearing a path for Stan, Kyle and Cartman.

                             THE MOLE
                   Be careful not to touch this wire-

        A wire catches on Cartman's arm and SNAPS against his face.

                             CARTMAN
                   OW!  MOTHERFUCKER!

        BZZAAAAT!!!

                             CARTMAN
                   FUC-

        Stan shoves his hand over Cartman's mouth, leaving Cartman to
        cuss bloody murder into Stan's glove.

                             CARTMAN
                   MPHMPH MPHMPHMPH!!!

        BZAAT!

                             CARTMAN
                   MMMPPPHHH!!!

        Finally they clear the fence and lie down in view of the
        camp.

                             THE MOLE
                   It sounds like the USO show has started.
                   We have precious little time...

        Kyle looks at the horrible concentration camp.

                             KYLE
                   Oh my God...

                             THE MOLE
                   God? ...Let me tell you something about
                   God... He is ze biggest bitch of zem all.

        Kyle looks at The Mole, oddly.

                             STAN
                   How are we ever gonna find them?

        The Mole whips out some night vision goggles.

        ANGLE ON INTERMENT CAMP THROUGH NIGHT VISION GOGGLES

        The Mole inspects the camp.  He sees a guard on a guard
        tower.  Then he pans over to a bunch of Canadians standing
        in a line in rags.

        The Mole quickly clicks the magnification to high so we see
        the saddened faces of the Canadians.

                             KYLE
                   Do you see them?  Do you see Terrance and
                   Phillip?

                             THE MOLE
                   No. Zey must have zem inside. We will
                   have to dig.

                             KYLE
                   That's gonna take a long time!

                             THE MOLE
                   Time? Did time matter to the
                   Revolutionists who were forced to eat
                   their own shit while dying in the
                   dungeons of ze King?

        The boys think.

        EXT. USO SHOW - DAY

        Helicopters zoom over the makeshift stage like the USO show
        in Apocalypse Now.

        Groups of soldiers cheer as a helicopter approaches the
        landing platform and touches down.  The US army men cheer.

        The mothers take the stage, and Kyle's mother speaks into the
        microphone. Behind her is a huge American flag. She is
        wearing an army helmet. This is right out of 'Patton'.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Ladies and gentlemen of the American war
                   effort, we salute you!

        A big cheer goes through the crowd. Kyle's mother feels the
        power, and lifts her head high. She starts to pace back and
        forth on the stage as she speaks, becoming more and more
        Pattonlike.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Tomorrow you will be risking your lives
                   so that our children will have a better
                   future... God bless you men. And God
                   bless this filth free nation. Many of you
                   will die. Die like blood bathed pigs.  So
                   tonight, we at MAC present a NIGHT OF A
                   HUNDRED STARS! Now without further ado, I
                   give you...

        Out of the helicopter emerge a battalion of the best and
        brightest stars that the American show biz industry has to
        offer.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Pint size pixie and darling of the indie
                   movie scene, Winona Ryder!

        She gestures grandly to the helicopter where Winona Ryder
        emerges and runs to center stage and waves to the audience.
        She looks like a strung out coke addict; because she is.

                             WINONA RYDER
                   Hi guys!  I'm T.V.'s Winona Ryder!

        One guy claps.

                             WINONA RYDER
                   I want you all to know I'm super psyched
                   to be here today.  You guys rock.  What
                   you're doing for our country so sooo
                   cool.  It's so real.  I've been acting
                   since I was twelve and I can't
                   distinguish between make believe and real
                   life.

        Winona falls down. But gets back up immediately.

                             WINONA RYDER
                   And then I confuse me real life with my
                   big-screen one.  And sure, people get
                   hurt, and I'm sorry about that but
                   Christ, look at me.  It's not my fault
                   that I can get any guy I want.  And
                   that's reality to me.  But you guys...
                   wow.  I mean, war, man. Fucking war.  It
                   doesn't get any more real--  Now, this
                   one goes out to you.

        She cues the band which has been assembled from the same
        helicopter.  Jazz music starts up.

        It's 'New York, New York'. The troops look confused.

                             WINONA RYDER
                   You know what I'm gonna do for you now,
                   don't you?

        'New York, New York' continues to play.

                             WINONA RYDER
                   WRONG!
                       (Singing)
                   The bells are ringin'
                   For me and my gal!
                   The birds are singin'
                   For me and my gal!-
   
        INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL - BELOW THE USO SHOW

        The mole is digging frantically while the boys follow on all
        fours.  Cartman holds a flashlight.

                             CARTMAN
                   Dude, this is seriously lame. I didn't
                   know we were gonna get all dirty and
                   stuff.

                             THE MOLE
                   Sheet!

                             STAN
                   What is it?

                             THE MOLE
                   Bedrock!  I cannot dig any further in zis
                   direction!

                             STAN
                   We're going to die here like baby mice
                   who have had no milk in days.  Dry up
                   into crunchy little pinkies.

        The boys stare.

        A beat.

                             THE MOLE
                   Or, we can dig UP.

        The mole starts digging up towards the ground.

        EXT. INSIDE THE PRISON CAMP

        Mole pops his head out of the ground. Immediately, a search
        light passes over the hole.

                             THE MOLE
                   Sheet!

        Mole ducks, just avoiding the light.

        Slowly, the boys' heads appear from the hole.

        The whole camp is in front of them.  There is a HUGE
        barbedwire fence on one side (the side they just dug from)  A
        dozen armed guards with huge Dobermans patrol the grounds with
        Howitzers.  It doesn't look good.

                             THE MOLE
                   Move! Move!

        One by one, The Mole, Stan, Kyle, and Cartman pop out of the
        ground, and run for a nearby building.  Once at the building,
        they all duck to avoid the search lights.

                             THE MOLE
                   Okay.... The Americans must be holding
                   Terrance and Phillip in one of those
                   bunkers. We will split up here.  Let's
                   synchronize watches!

        The others look at each other.

                             KYLE
                   We don't have watches.

        A beat.

                             THE MOLE
                   You don't have watches?

                             STAN
                   Dude, you didn't say anything about
                   watches.

                             THE MOLE
                   What do you think this is kid?  Lick
                   Barney the Dinosaur's pussy fucking
                   kiddie hour?  Huh?  This is real life
                   with consequences you take to the grave!

                             KYLE
                   Dude, we don't have watches.

                             THE MOLE
                   Sheet.  Did you bring ze mirror?

                             STAN
                   Got it.

                             THE MOLE
                   And ze rope?

                             STAN
                   Check.

                             THE MOLE
                   And the butfor?

                             KYLE
                   What's a butfor?

                             THE MOLE
                   For pooping, silly.

        A beat... Then mole takes a long drag off his cigarette and
        slowly blows the smoke.

                             THE MOLE
                   Now listen carefully. Stan and Kyle, you
                   stand watch here and await my return. If
                   any guards come by, make a sound like a
                   dying giraffe.

                             KYLE
                   What's a dying giraffe sound like?

                             THE MOLE
                       (Putting his hands to his
                        mouth)
                   Gwpaapa. Gwpaapa.

                             KYLE
                   Kay.

        The Mole turns to Cartman.

                             THE MOLE
                   Cartman, over zere, is the electrical
                   box. You must sneak over zere and shut it
                   off before I return with Terrance and
                   Phillip or the alarms will sound and I
                   will be shot full of holes. Got it?

                             CARTMAN
                   Okay.

                             THE MOLE
                   You MUST shut off the power, this is VERY
                   IMPORTANT do you understa-

                             CARTMAN
                   I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME! I'M NOT LOU
                   FERIGNO FOR PETE'S SAKE!

        Cartman storms off.

                             THE MOLE
                   I will tunnel my way into ze buildings,
                   and find ze prisoners.

        The Mole starts to dig.

                             KYLE
                   Be careful, dude.

                             THE MOLE
                   Careful? Was my mother careful when she
                   stabbed me in the heart with a clothes
                   hanger while I was still in ze womb?

        And with that, The Mole quickly starts to tunnel his way
        underground.

                             STAN
                   Damn, dude, that kid is fucked up.

        EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

        Back on stage at the USO show.  Winona Ryder is just
        finishing up her song.

                             WINONA RYDER
                       (Singing)
                   ....It's a hell of a TOWN!  And
                   that's my New York Melodyyyyyy!!!!

        The band finishes with a flourish. Winona takes a bow.

        One person in the entire audience claps.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Let's hear it again for the one and only
                   Winona Ryder!!!

        The same guy claps again.

                             ONE CLAPPING GUY
                   We love you, Winona!

        Everybody else in the audience just stares at him.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Next up we have a special treat...
                   Please welcome, direct from Vegas- BIG
                   GAY AL'S BIG GAY EXPERIENCE!!!

        The place goes wild as Big Gay Al walks out on stage.  Winona
        fumes in the wings.

                             RANDOM SOLDIER
                   This guy is the coolest!

                             RANDOM SOLDIER 2
                   Totally man!

        The back curtain goes up to reveal a tropical jungle set
        complete with a waterfall, hippos, monkeys and hundreds of
        colorfully dressed dancers.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   How we all feeling tonight?!

        Between the cheering, we hear a throng of "Happy!". Now the
        place is rocking!! Everybody loves Big Gay Al!

        Winona can't believe it.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   I can't hear you...

                             CROWD
                   Happy!!!

                             BIG GAY AL
                   Friends, you know why I'm here... I'm
                   here to teach TOLERANCE!!

        The crowd cheers.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   I'm here to say that we're all PEOPLE
                   under God, and we should embrace, and
                   accept our differences!!

        The crowd cheers louder.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   And that means we should LOVE CANADIANS
                   TOO!!

        The entire place goes incredibly quiet.

        You can hear a pin drop.

        Silence...

        Deafening silence...

                             BIG GAY AL
                   JUST KIDDING!! FUCK 'EM!!!

        Slow music swells in. Big Gay Al saunters around the stage
        and starts to sing.

                             BIG GAY AL
                       (Singing)
                   Bombs are flying
                   People are dying
                   Children are crying
                   Politicians are lying too
                   Cancer is killing
                   Texaco is spilling
                   The whole world's gone to hell
                   But how are you?

        Suddenly, Big Gay Al is wearing a big feathery outfit and all
        his dancers dash to his side.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   I'm super!  Thanks for asking!
                   All things considered I'm doing
                   super
                   I must say!
                   Very peachee
                   Nothing bugs me
                   'Cause everything is super when
                   you're
                   -don't you think I look cute in
                   this hat?

        The crowd is absolutely confused.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   I'm so sorry, Mr. Cripple
                   But I just can't feel bad for you
                   right now
                   Because I'm feeling so insanely
                   super
                   That even seeing you in that chair
                   can't bring me down!

        EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - ANOTHER AREA

        Cartman is by himself, slowly moving from building to
        building. He is scared out of his mind.

                             CARTMAN
                       (Imitating the Mole)
                   Shut of ze Power, Cartman. Zis is very
                   important, Cartman... Stupid British
                   piece of shi-
                       (BAZZT!)
                   OW!

        He approaches the electrical box.  Just as he's about to open
        it, two armed AMERICAN SOLDIERS round the corner.  Cartman
        gets scared and hides in the shadows.  The soldiers continue
        walking...

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER
                   Dude, if I was gay, I'd be just like Big
                   Gay AL!

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER 2
                   Me too!!

        ...And pass a terrified Cartman.

        EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - STAN AND KYLE'S AREA

        The boys are waiting, bored, for The Mole to return.

                             KYLE
                   I don't think he's coming back, dude.

        Just then, we hear The Mole return from his hole. He is
        carrying the ticket guy from the movie theater.

                             TICKET GUY
                   Oh thank you! Thank you for getting me
                   out of there!! They locked me up for
                   selling movie tickets to minors!

                             THE MOLE
                   Is this one of zem?

                             KYLE
                   No! That's not Terrance or Phillip!

                             THE MOLE
                   Oh... Alright, back you go.

        The Mole takes the Ticket Guy back through the hole.

                             TICKET GUY
                   No! Please! I don't want to go back!!

        The boys sit back down and wait again.

        EXT. USO SHOW/STAGE - CONTINUOUS

        Meanwhile, Big Gay Al's song continues-

                             BIG GAY AL
                   I'm super! Thanks for asking!
                   All things considered I'm doing
                   better than okay!
                   Feeling peaches
                   nothing bugs me
                   Everything is super when you're
                   -don't you think I look cute in
                   this hat and my little shoes and
                   this matching tie that I got at
                   Merv's?

        The chorus guys all pick Big Gay Al up and dance around with
        him on stage.

                             CHORUS
                   He's super! Thanks for asking!
                   All things considered he is better
                   than okay!
                   And it's peachee, nothing bugs him
                   Everything is super when you're-
                   Let's fight fight fight against
                   Canada today!!!!!!

        The song ends and everyone erupts into applause.

        INT. HELL - DAY

        Satan is looking into a large, oracle-like ball. Saddam isn't
        around, but a few demons and Kenny are hanging out.

                             SATAN
                   The execution is going to happen any
                   moment... We must prepare.

        The demons make excited noises.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm!

                             SATAN
                   Get everyone in hell ready. When the
                   blood of Terrance and Phillip spills, the
                   day is ours!

        Two of the demons head for Satan's room.

                             SATAN
                   No! Not Saddam. Don't wake him... Uh...
                   I'll tell him...

        Satan walks to the bedroom.

        EXT. INTERNMENT CAMP - ELECTRICAL BOX AREA

        Cartman approaches the electrical box nervously -- looking
        all around for soldiers.

        He opens the door to the electrical box and sees a large
        switch labeled ON and OFF.  He reaches to turn off the switch
        when he feels a tap on his shoulder.

        Cartman jumps.

                             CARTMAN
                   Agh!!!

        Then turns and karate-chops in one spastic flurry to see -
        KENNY!!

                             CARTMAN
                   Son of a gun!  HECK!

        Kenny's ghost is again floating in front of Cartman. Kenny
        again struggles to speak.

                             CARTMAN
                   GO AWAY, KENNY!  IT'S NOT MY GOSH DARN
                   FAULT!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmprmmh rm!!

                             CARTMAN
                   I don't have proofs of purchases from
                   Snacky Smores, Kenny!

                             KENNY
                   MPH RMPH RMPH RMPH RM!!!

                             CARTMAN
                   AGAGAH!!

        Cartman runs off, leaving the power completely on.

        INT. KYLE'S HOUSE - ATTIC - NIGHT

        Ike is still just sitting quietly in the dark attic.

        Suddenly, the attic door bursts open!

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER
                   Found one!

        Other soldiers file into the attic and grab Ike by the arms.

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER
                   Yep, that's a Canadian alright.

                             IKE
                   Sibi mammama.

        The American Soldier picks up Ike.

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER
                   So, thought you could hide from us, did
                   you?! Take him away!

        The soldiers drag Ike down the stairs.

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER 2
                   Sir, look at this!
                       (Holding up a book)
                   He was writing some kind of diary...

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER
                   Diary?  What does it say?

                             AMERICAN SOLDIER 2
                       (Reading)
                   Cookie monster.  Banana.

        Sweeping, moving MUSIC STING.

        EXT.  INTERNMENT CAMP - STAN AND KYLE'S AREA

        Kyle is patiently awaiting Mole's return.

                             KYLE
                   Damn it! Come on, Mole we're running out
                   of time!

        Kyle spins around when he hears someone coming.

        But it's only Cartman. He's panting heavily.

                             CARTMAN
                   You guys! Seriously! You guys!

                             KYLE
                   What Cartman?!

                             CARTMAN
                   Kenny! I saw Kenny again!

                             STAN
                   Oh, brother.

                             KYLE
                   Did you shut the alarm off, Cartman?

        Cartman stops breathing heavily and thinks.

                             KYLE
                   Cartman?!

                             CARTMAN
                   Whoops.

        Just then, all the alarms in the place go off.

                             KYLE
                   Oh shit!

        From the distance, the boys hear gunshots.

        Suddenly, the Mole pops out of the hole. The boys see that
        The Mole has been shot up badly.

                             THE MOLE
                   Ze alarms! Zey went off!

                             CARTMAN
                   Yeah... That was my bad, sorry.

        As SHOUTS and RUNNING FOOTSTEPS draw closer, The Mole lays
        down and begins to die in Kyle's arms.

                             THE MOLE
                   Please... Do not let ze resistance die...

        Gentle MUSIC begins.

                             THE MOLE
                   Now the light, she fades
                   And darkness closes in
                   But I will find strength
                   I will find pride within
                   Because although I die
                   Our freedom will be won
                   Though I die
                   Ze Resistance
                   Lives on...

        The Music fades away, as the Mole coughs up some blood.

                             THE MOLE
                   It's so very cold...

                             KYLE
                   We can't leave without you!

                             THE MOLE
                   It's okay, I am done for.

                             KYLE
                   No, I mean WE CAN'T LEAVE WITHOUT YOU -
                   we don't know where the hell we are!!

        The Mole coughs up more blood.

                             THE MOLE
                   Where is your God when you need him?
                   Where is your beautiful, merciful faggot
                   now?

        The Mole dies.

                             KYLE
                   SHIT!

                             VOICE
                   FREEZE!!

        The boys look up to see three large MARINES pointing guns at
        them.

        Stan makes a run for it. He dashes off at full speed.

                             KYLE
                   Run, Stan!!

        One of the soldiers fires at him. PWANG! PWANG! But Stan
        disappears into the night.

                             PENTAGON GUY
                   Forget him! The night will swallow him
                   up.

                             MARINE
                   You are under arrest!  Cuff 'em!

                             KYLE
                   What?

                             PENTAGON
                   So THIS must be the resistance the
                   pentagon has been tracking!

                             CARTMAN
                   Oh, son of a bitch...

        EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT

        Kyle's mother, and the other mothers of MAC, take the stage
        again.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   And now, for our big finale, the MOMENT
                   YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!

        Terrance and Phillip are wheeled out onto the stage.

                             TERRANCE
                   Oh, Phillip.  This cannot be good.

                             PHILLIP
                   I know, Terrance.  This is quite the
                   shitstorm we've found ourselves in this
                   time.

        From the other side, Kyle's mom appears with a couple of
        official looking military people.  The crowd cheers.

                             KYLE'S MOM
                   It is my pleasure to present to you, THE
                   EXECUTION OF TERRANCE AND PHILLIP!!!

        The crowd cheers.

                             KYLE'S MOM
                   Strap them in!

        Terrance and Phillip are then greeted by the EXECUTIONER,
        donned in a black hood.

        The scary giant Executioner grabs Terrance and Phillip and
        puts them into electric chairs.

                             KYLE'S MOM
                   Today is a great day for democracy!

        The crowd cheers.

        The Executioner steps up to the throw switch.

                             TERRANCE
                   Phillip, this is worse than that trip to
                   Quebec City when I fell asleep in that
                   disco.

                             PHILLIP
                   I know, Terrance. I know.

        EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

        LONG SHOT of a desolate, dark area.

        It has started to rain. Stan trudges through the wilderness
        looking tired and scared.

                             STAN
                   Hello? Where the hell am I? Is anybody
                   here?

        A few wolf HOWLS sound in the distance. Stan walks on.

                             STAN
                   MARCO!!!

        No answer.

                             STAN
                   MARCO!!!

        No answer. Stan stumbles a bit.

                             STAN
                   Dude, weak... Can't go on... Dizzy...

        Stan falls to the ground. His face plops in the rainy mud and
        his head smacks against a rock.

        Stan is out cold.

        Just then, a strange sound emerges. It is like a pulsating
        WOBBLE. Stan slowly awakes, picks up his head and shines his
        flashlight around.

                             STAN
                   What is that?

        The sound gets louder. Stan shines his flashlight on
        something that is huge and throbbing.

                             STAN
                   OH MY GOD!!!

        EXT. STAGE - NIGHT

        Kyle's mother approaches Terrance and Phillip.

                             KYLE'S MOM
                   Gentlemen, do you have any last words?

                             PHILLIP
                   Last words? Let's see... How aboot "GET
                   ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CHAIR". How's
                   that for last words?

        Kyle's mom nods to the Executioner.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   WAIT!!

        General Plymkin walks out next to Kyle's mother.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   We have just captured some Canadian
                   Sympathizers!

        The crowd cheers. Kyle's mother smiles.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   We will execute them along with Terrance
                   and Phillip for your viewing pleasure!

        Another cheer. The mothers are all very pleased. That is,
        until they see Kyle and Cartman brought out to the stage at
        gunpoint.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Kyle?!

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Eric?

                             KYLE
                   Hi, ma.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   We also have a Canadian SPY who was
                   hiding out in South Park!!

        Now Ike is brought out at gunpoint.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Ike?!

        Kyle's mother rushes over to General Plymkin.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   General... These are OUR CHILDREN!

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   They are Canadian sympathizers and they
                   must be dealt with accordingly!

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   But they're CHILDREN!

        Cartman walks over to where Terrance and Phillip are strapped
        into their chairs.

                             CARTMAN
                   Dude! Terrance and Phillip! Wow! Can I
                   get your autographs?!

                             TERRANCE
                   Sure, tubby, just as soon as we're
                   killed.

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   We can't kill these kids!

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Listen mothers, YOU'RE the ones that
                   started all this. Don't get all emotional
                   NOW!

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   But we're doing all this to help our
                   children's futures!

                             CARTMAN'S MOTHER
                   Yes, I think shooting our children would
                   adversely affect their futures.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   No... The General is right.

                             KYLE
                   MOM!!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Boobie... This is the only way you're
                   ever going to learn. I have an
                   opportunity here to teach you about
                   consequences.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   Sheila, you're going to far! Those are
                   YOUR children!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   YES! AND I WILL NOT ALLOW MY CHILDREN TO
                   BE RUINED BY SMUT!!
                       (To Kyle)
                   I am sorry young man, but I have had it
                   up to here! STRAP THEM IN!

        She walks away.

                             KYLE
                   YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   KYLE BROVLOFSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR
                   LANGUAGE!!

        EXT. IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE - NIGHT

        Stan is still lying in mud, but now he lies before a HUGE,
        pulsating, organic looking thing that belongs in the X-Files.
        It's the size of a small building.

        The massive thing starts to glow. Stan looks weak and afraid.

                             BIG THING
                   Be not afraid...

        Stan trembles.

                             STAN
                       (Weakly)
                   What...

                             BIG THING
                   Behold my glory.

                             STAN
                   What... are you?

                             BIG THING
                   I am the clitoris.

        Stan's eyes grow wide. MUSIC starts to swell up.

                             STAN
                   The clitoris?! I DID IT!! I FOUND THE
                   CLITORIS!!

                             BIG THING
                   Stan, your friends need you. They are in
                   trouble and you must help them.

                             STAN
                   Wait, you're supposed to tell me how to
                   get Wendy to like me.

                             BIG THING
                   There are more important matters right
                   now...

                             STAN
                   NO WAY, DUDE! I'VE LOOKED ALL OVER FOR
                   YOU, AND NOW YOU HAVE TO TELL ME HOW TO
                   GET WENDY TO LIKE ME!!

                             BIG THING
                   Dude, she's eight years old, just get her
                   some ice cream or something.

                             STAN
                   Of COURSE!! Ice cream!!

                             BIG THING
                   Now go, your friends are in danger... The
                   USO show is a mile east of here, just
                   over that ridge. The clitoris has spoken.

        The clitoris fades, and just as it does, all the kids of La
        Resistance come running into frame. Wendy and Gregory are
        with them as well.

                             WENDY
                   Stan! Stan are you okay?!

                             STAN
                   Wendy?

                             GREGORY
                   I see you failed in your mission.
                   Terrance and Phillip must be dead by now.

        Wendy bends down to pick up Stan.

                             WENDY
                   Come on Stan, we have to hurry. The
                   Canadian forces are about to attack!!

        Wendy pulls Stan up off the ground and slings his arm around
        her.

        EXT. USO SHOW - NIGHT

        A drummer plays as the execution begins.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   We begin with Terrance and Phillip!!!
                   Throw the switch!!!

        The executioner throws the switch and Terrance and Phillip
        start to fry. Kyle, Cartman and Ike, in their chairs, look
        horrified.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Goodbye, bastards!

        Near death, Terrance cranks out a weak fart. Terrance and
        Phillip both laugh weakly but merrily.

                             TERRANCE
                   Take that, bitch.

        As Terrance and Phillip fry, they scream out:

                             PHILLIP/TERRANCE
                   FREEEEEEDOMMMMM!!!

        Suddenly, FWWOOOMMM!!! A Bomb lands in the middle of the
        army. BLAM!! It explodes with incredible force, sending dead
        bodies in all directions.

        Canadian military planes zoom overhead! It's a full scale
        attack!!

        From a HIGH ANGLE we see the soldiers all scatter like bugs
        in every direction.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   THE CANADIANS ARE ATTACKING!! RUN FOR
                   YOUR LIVES!!

        FWWOOMM!!! BLAMM!! Another explosion!  Everybody just starts
        screaming and shooting in every direction.  Total and
        complete mayhem.

        One explosion knocks out the electricity, and Terrance and
        Phillip stop drying.

        The electricity runs along a wire, across the stage, and
        right up Cartman's leg. Cartman starts frying horribly.

                             KYLE
                   CARTMAN!

                             CARTMAN
                       (Frying)
                   WAGAGAHGHGH!! YOU GUYS!!! SERIOUSLY!!!

                             PHILLIP
                   What's going on Terrance?

                             TERRANCE
                   Canada is saving us!!

        Finally, Cartman is blown clear of the electricity. Kyle
        picks him up and starts to run along with Ike.

        INT. HELL - SATAN'S BEDROOM

        Satan opens the door to find Saddam sleeping happily in his
        cozy bed. He is only wearing little black g-string panties.

                             SATAN
                       (Whispering)
                   Have you finished?

        Now we see that Kenny is standing at the foot of the bed. He
        holds a gasoline can, and has just finished pouring the last
        drops underneath the bed.

                             KENNY
                   Mph mph.

                             SATAN
                   Then move out of the way.

        Kenny walks over next to Satan. Satan pulls out a book of
        matches.

                             SATAN
                   I must be strong... I must be strong...

        Satan tries to light the match. It won't light.

                             SATAN
                   Damn it...

        Finally, the match lights. Satan holds it up-

                             SATAN
                   Goodbye, Saddam...

        -and throws it onto the bed.

                             SATAN
                   Come on!

        Saddam burns to a crisp and Satan and Kenny run out.

        EXT. USO SHOW - DAY

        People run screaming in all directions as a full scale attack
        has broken out. Gunfire, explosions and dead bodies fly all
        around.

                             JIMBO
                   Ned!  Behind you!

        Ned whips around and mows down a line of Canadians. But one
        Canadian makes it through, and sticks his bayonet through
        Ned's neck.

        Blood gushes from Ned's neck as he collapses.

                             JIMBO
                   NED!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

        FWWOOM!! BLAMMM!!! The boys runs as fast as they can amidst
        the explosions.

                             CARTMAN
                   HOLY SHIT!
                       (Zap)
                   AGHAGHGAH!!

        Now when the V-chip shocks Cartman, we can actually see the
        blue current swirl around his body.

                             CARTMAN
                   HEY! THIS V-CHIP IS GETTING ALL SCREWY!!

        General Plymkin has followed his men into the trench, where
        explosions and gunfire fly all around. He pulls out a walkie
        talkie as his men die all around him.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   ALRIGHT MEN!!!  FALL INTO FORMATION!
                   "HUMAN SHIELD" UP FRONT THEN "OPERATION
                   GET BEHIND THE DARKIES"!!!

        They all fall in.  A phalanx of black men, Chef included in
        them, walk out in front of a bunch of white guys.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   REMEMBER, HUMAN SHIELD!  PROTECT OUR
                   TANKS AND PLANES, TOO!

        Just then, over a ridge in front of them, a line of Canadian
        tanks appears. The tanks are lined up 3 deep.  Behind them is
        a line of missile launchers.  General Plymkin's jaw drops.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   Holy Mother of Johosephat...

        The black guys all look at each other nervously.

        EXT. BATTLEFIELD

        The boys run through the chaos.  Body parts and scrapnel fly
        here and there.

        A bloody soldier suddenly stumbles and falls in front of the
        boys holding a massive head wound.

                             KYLE
                   Hey! It's Mr. Garrison!!

        Garrison lies on the ground, coughing up blood.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Children... Take Mr. Hat... Please... Get
                   him out of here...

        Garrison takes Mr. Hat off his hand and gives it to Cartman.

        Just then, Garrison goes limp.

        Cartman looks at the Mr. Hat in his hand and scowls. The boys
        run from the battle.

        They pass the American troops, where all the black guys are
        standing in a human shield around the white guys.

                             CHEF
                   Alright, squad... JUST LIKE I TOLD YOU...
                   ONE!!

        The Canadian tanks take aim.

                             CHEF
                   TWO!

        The Canadian tanks fire.

                             CHEF
                   THREE!!

        All the black guys suddenly jump out of the way, leaving the
        whites completely exposed.

                             GENERAL PLYMKIN
                   What the-

        The tank fire hits the army, blowing all the white soldiers
        to smithereens, including Ned and Jimbo.

                             BLACK SOLDIER
                   GREAT PLAN, CHEF!

                             CHEF
                   Operation Human Shield my ASS!

        EXT. SOUTH PARK - DAY

        From an EXTREME WIDE SHOT, we see all the forces on both
        sides exchange firepower. The Canadian National anthem can be
        heard in the distance.

        We see Mr. Mackey looking like a natural born killer.  He
        shoots like a maniac into the Canadians.  He wounds one and
        then marches over to the wriggling body with a knife.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Die Canadian, mmkay?!

        And he drives the knife into the Canadian's chest.

        But then, suddenly, another Canadian Soldier appears out of
        nowhere, and blows a hole through Mackey's chest.

                             MR. MACKEY
                   Mkay-

        Mackey falls to the ground, dead. Just then Big Gay Al runs
        through the frame, we FOLLOW him as he skips his way around
        gunfire.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   Ooh! Goodness those bullets are going
                   FAST!!!

        Another bullet zings by his head.

                             BIG GAY AL
                   Jumping Jesus, this is insane!!

        THUMP! A bullet hits Big Gay Al square in the head. More
        bullets follow, tearing him to shreds.

        WIDE ANGLE ON - ENTIRE BATTLE

        This shot parodies one of the big shots from 'Saving Private
        Ryan'. Just complete overkill. Explosions, helicopters,
        gunfire and death.

        Kyle's mother, and the other mothers as well, stand on a
        ridge overlooking the horrific massacre.

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   My God... This is terrible...

        Kyle's mother holds out her M-16. She is now completely
        insane.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   This is what we wanted! We wanted our
                   children to be brought up in a smut-free
                   environment!!!

                             KENNY'S MOTHER
                   But we didn't want THIS. I just followed
                   you 'cause I made a shitload of money
                   selling Kenny t-shirts!

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   Oh Lord, what have we done...?

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Wake up, people!  We all have to do
                   things that aren't pretty sometimes! It's
                   the not pretty things that make life
                   worth fighting the not pretty things for!
                   Why do you think children have to be born
                   in hospitals?

        The other mothers look very confused.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Why does it matter?! My plan is a perfect
                   plan!!  Perfect!  Perfect! Perfect!!!!!

        The other mothers walk away.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   WHERE ARE YOU GOING?! We need to stop the
                   not pretty things from letting our
                   children be born in hospitals!

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   We're going to find our boys! For God's
                   sake Sheila, you almost had them killed!!

        Kyle's mother turns back to the battle. More killing and
        explosions.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Killed.  They should only be so lucky.
                   Kyle wasn't even BORN in a hospital!

        She charges the field.

        EXT. BATTLEFIELD - CONTINUOUS

        Terrance and Phillip are dodging gunfire and super loud
        explosions.

                             PHILLIP
                   Did you hear that, Terrance? I farted!

                             TERRANCE
                   You did? Just now?

        They laugh merrily.

                             PHILLIP
                   Come on, we can take shelter in one of
                   those buildings!

        But just then, Kyle's mother comes charging in with her gun!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   AAAGHGAHGHGH!!! YOU DESTROYED MY
                   FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!

        Phillip spins around just in time to see Kyle's mother
        plunge her bayonet into Terrance's abdomen.

                             TERRANCE
                   AGH!

                             PHILLIP
                   Terrance! NO!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   DIE!!!!!!

        SLOW MOTION SHOT -

        Blood from Terrance's abdomen slowly spills from his stomach.

        Everything gets SILENT as we follow the blood down, down,
        down...

        Until it hits the ground with a huge, echoing BWOOOMMMM!!!

        CLOSE UP on Kyle's mother's eyes.

        CLOSE UP on the spot of blood on the ground...

        BACK TO REAL TIME

        Suddenly, the ground starts to open up! FWOOM!! Great flames
        and ash take over the sky.

        Satan and his minions explode from below. Everyone stops
        fighting for a moment, to watch this amazing spectacle.

                             SATAN
                   RAAGHGH!!!! MY TIME HAS COME!!!

        Demons and flames emerge from the ground. All the soldiers on
        both sides can't believe what they're seeing.

        Now out of the giant abyss comes Kenny. He dusts himself off
        and looks around.

        EXT. TRENCH - NIGHT

        As more bombs and gunshots go off. Kyle, Cartman and Ike
        huddle close to each other in a trench.

                             CARTMAN
                   Kyle... All those times I said you were a
                   big dumb Jew... I didn't mean it. You're
                   not a Jew.

        Kyle thinks.

                             KYLE
                   Yes I am!

                             IKE
                   Baba mama!

        Another explosion rocks the trench. Dirt flies all over the
        boys' heads.

                             CARTMAN
                   AGH!
                       (Noticing Mr. Hat in his hand)
                   What the hell am I still holding this
                   for?!

        Cartman tosses Mr. Hat out of the trench. We hear GUNSHOTS
        and then VERY FAINTLY we hear Garrison's voice.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   Mr. Hat! Noooooo!

        Suddenly, Stan jumps down into the trench.

                             KYLE
                   Stan!

                             STAN
                   Dude, I found the clitoris! I think I can
                   get Wendy to like me now!

                             KYLE
                   Sweet.

                             CARTMAN
                       (Sarcastic)
                   Oh, that's swell, Stan. I guess all's
                   well that ends well, huh? We can go home
                   now. There's just one little thing left
                   to tie up... WORLD WAR THREE!!!

        More explosions go off. Dead bodies fly all around the boys.

        Suddenly, Kenny appears before the boys.

                             CARTMAN/KYLE
                   AGAGAH!!!

                             CARTMAN
                   It's him! I told you!! Kenny's come to
                   take us to the netherworld!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rmph rmph?!

                             KYLE
                   Wait! He's not haunting us, he's trying
                   to tell us something!

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rm rmph rm!

                             CARTMAN
                   Okay!  We can get you some proofs of
                   purchases for Snacky Smores Kenny!  Just
                   mellow the heck out!

        EXT. SOMEWHERE IN SOUTH PARK - NIGHT

        More battle. People are dying left and right.

        The Doctor from the Hospital scene runs in with an M-16. A
        Canadian steps in front of him, the doctor shoots, and blows
        the Canadian's head clean off.

                             DOCTOR GAUCHE
                   Hey, pal, don't lose your head.

        Suddenly, the ticket guy's chest rips open. He falls dead,
        and standing behind him is a Canadian with a double barreled
        shotgun.

                             CANADIAN SOLDIER
                   I'm glad you got that off your chest.

        Tom the Rhinoplasty surgeon leaps in and stabs the Canadian
        through the head with his bayonet.

                             TOM
                   I guess he got the point.

        A Canadian rushes in and machine guns Tom full of holes.

                             CANADIAN SOLDIER 2
                   Plastics are a cheap and efficient
                   insulator for electrical applications.

        Just as the fighting escalates, Satan and his minions rush
        in.

                             SATAN
                   Yes! Good! Fight and kill one another!

        The soldiers all look scared and puzzled.

                             SATAN
                   You're all part of Satan's army now!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   What the hell is going on?!

        Satan gets in Kyle's mother's face.

                             SATAN
                   I am the dark master!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Oh no you don't! This is MY fight!! I
                   don't need your help, Alan Dershwitz!

                             SATAN
                   SILENCE!  I AM SATAN!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Oh.

                             SATAN
                   YOU HAVE SPILLED THE BLOOD OF THE
                   INNOCENTS. NOW THE WORLD BELONGS TO ME...
                   NOW BEGINS TWO MILLION YEARS OF
                   DARKNESS!!  AND ALL THANKS TO YOU!!!

        Kyle's mother backs down, ashamed.

                             CHEF
                   Oh, good job, Mrs. Broflofski, thanks a
                   lot.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   I... I was just trying to make the world
                   a better place for children...

                             SATAN
                   Yes... And in doing so, you brought
                   enough anger and intolerance to the world
                   to allow my coming.

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   And I thought my mother was the master of
                   guilt.  Geez Louise.

                             SATAN
                   SILENCE!!!  NOW!!!  EVERYONE BOW DOWN TO
                   ME!!!

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Oh God... What have I done...

        One by one, the soldiers start to kneel.

        Satan throws his arms up in the air and laughs a horrible,
        deep laugh that fills the world.

        But just then, the ground shakes again. Satan looks over to
        the huge abyss he had crawled out of and notices another
        figure.

        He is burnt horribly, but it is Saddam. He holds a martini
        glass in his hand.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, I'm missing the party!

                             SATAN
                   No! It can't be!

        Saddam, burnt to a crisp, walks over to Satan and grabs his
        ass.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Did you miss me, buttercup?
                       (Yelling out)
                   All right, gang! I am your new ruler now!
                   Everyone bow down to ME!!

        Satan puts his head down.

                             KYLE
                   HOLD EVERYTHING!!!

        Kyle walks up with Cartman, Stan and Kenny.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Oh, it's the bratty kid from hell.

                             KYLE
                   You made a deal with Kenny that if he got
                   ten proofs of purchases from Snacky
                   Smores you'd grant him any wish.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   And?

        Kenny pulls out the proofs of purchases. TRIUMPHANT MUSIC
        plays.

                             SATAN
                   I TOLD you not to make that deal, Saddam!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Who gives a fuck?! I was just fucking
                   with him!

                             KYLE
                   What?

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   The deal's off, go away, guy.

                             SATAN
                   No, Saddam. You made a deal. You can't
                   just renege on a deal. That's lying.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Relax bitch!  You're better seen, not
                   hear okay?

        Saddam smacks Satan in the face. Now Satan looks mad, but he
        sits down like a good little bitch.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Now, let's start torturing people, shall
                   we? We'll start with...
                       (Looks at Cartman)
                   THIS little fat kid first!!

                             CARTMAN
                   AY!  Don't call me fat, buttfucker-

        ZAP!!  A huge CHARGE shoots from Cartman, knocking one of
        hell's demons on his ass.

                             STAN
                   Holy shit Cartman!  What was that?!

                             CARTMAN
                   How the fuck should I know!!

        ZAP!!! Another huge CHARGE emits from the v-chip inside
        Cartman and sends the other Swedish Soldier reeling.

                             KYLE
                   Look at that!

                             CHEF
                   It's that v-chip thing that's inside you,
                   Eric!  The polarity must have been
                   reversed by the electric chair!

                             TERRANCE
                   Oh boy!

        A smile comes across Cartman's face.

                             CARTMAN
                   BUTTFUCKING SHIT!

        BZZZZZZZZT!   A huge charge busts the chains that hold
        Cartman's wrists.

        He jumps down.

                             CARTMAN
                   Yes!

        TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays as Cartman uses his newly found power.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Quick, Satan!  Do something!

        But before Satan can do anything, Cartman holds up his hands
        and lets loose.

                             CARTMAN
                   FUCK A HUNK A SHIT, YOU RAT FUCK!!!

        BZZZZZZZZZAAT!!!!  A charge hits Satan square between the
        eyes and knocks him down.

        He gets to his knees and stands up again.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey, you need to watch your mouth, brat!

                             CARTMAN
                   Try this on for size-

        Cartman holds up his hands.

                             CARTMAN
                   DRIPPING VAGINA EATING SON OF A
                   PIGFUCKING CRACK WHORE!!! HAIRY COCK
                   SLURPING MAGGOT FUUUUUCK!!!!

        BZZZAAAAT!!

        The charge hits Saddam in the chest.  He drops again.

        Saddam looks around and is suddenly scared.  He appeals to
        Cartman.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Hey buddy!  No need to stress! Let me
                   make you a deal!  How about a lifetime
                   supply of Snacky Smores and we just
                   forget about this whole thing?!

                             KYLE
                   Don't listen to him, Cartman!

                             KENNY
                   Mrphmmmph!!!

                             CARTMAN
                   (giving in)  Okay.  (then)  Not.

        Cartman closes his eyes and hums like he's summoning up the
        worst words in the world.

        Then, it comes out.  Like a volcano.

                             CARTMAN
                   SUCK THE HOT SHIT FROM MY GURGLING ASS
                   YOU BLOOD DRENCHED FROZEN TAMPON ON A
                   STIIIIIIIIIIICK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

        BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZATTTTTTTTT!!!!!

        A huge purple jolt emerges from each of Cartman's hands and
        joins into one powerful current that hits Saddam.  Saddam is
        thrown back against the wall.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                       (To Satan)
                   What are you waiting for, bitch?! Destroy
                   him!!

        Satan looks at Cartman, then at Saddam, and thinks...

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Come on you weak, stupid cum bucket! Save
                   me!!

        Satan stands there.

                             SATAN
                   Help you? You've destroyed my life and
                   now you want me to help you?!  You're
                   always making me feel like a piece of
                   shit.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Come on guy, you know I only rib you
                   because I love you so much!

                             SATAN
                   If you love somebody then you treat them
                   with respect!  You've never respected me!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Can we talk about this later?  Everyone
                   is watching!

                             SATAN
                   I don't care!  I want to talk about it
                   now!

        Saddam grabs Satan by the arm.

                             SATAN
                   Ow, you're hurting me!

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Listen guy, you're embarassing me in
                   front of my friends!  You know how I get
                   mad when I get embarassed.

        Satan starts getting really mad.  Steam starts coming from
        his nostrils.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Your little problems can wait til later,
                   see?

        Steam starts coming out of Satan's nostrils.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   Now do what I say and keep your fucking
                   mouth shut!

                             SATAN
                   THAT'S IT!  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

        Satan picks up Saddam, and throws him over a huge, flaming
        cliff, back into the depths of hell.

                             SADDAM HUSSEIN
                   NOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!!!!! Heeeeyyyy
                   guyyyyy, relaaaaaxx.....

                             CHEF
                   Saddam Hussein is dead!

                             STAN AND KYLE
                   Hooray!!!

        Everyone cheers.

                             PHILLIP
                   You're quite a purveyor of filth, little
                   boy!

                             TERRANCE
                   Indeedy, that was a delicious choice of
                   words!

                             CARTMAN
                   Well, I learned it all from you guys.

                             PHILLIP
                   Of course you did, cock fuck!

        They all laugh merrily.

        Satan stands over the cliff, looking down at where Saddam
        fell.

                             SATAN
                   He spent so much time convincing me I was
                   weak and stupid that I believed it
                   myself.

        The boys look at each other, confused.

                             SATAN
                   Saddam didn't respect me.  All he wanted
                   was sex.  But it took me so long to
                   figure that out.

        He starts to cry.  Chef hands him a hanky.

                             CHEF
                   Here you go Satan-

                             SATAN
                   Thank you. Give me the proofs of
                   purchases.

        Kenny hands them to Satan.

                             SATAN
                   Okay Kenny, I will keep the bargain. Any
                   wish you want is yours.

        TRACK IN slowly on Kenny. MUSIC BUILDS. Finally, Kenny
        speaks.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rmph rmpg rmph mm.

        Everyone GASPS!!

                             KYLE
                   WHAT?

                             STAN
                   Are you sure, Kenny?

                             SATAN
                   What did he say?

                             STAN
                   He said that his wish is for everyone who
                   died in the war to come back.

                             CHEF
                   Kenny, you realize this wish is the only
                   chance for YOU not to be dead...

                             KENNY
                   M mprh. Mph rmph rm rmph rm rmphm rmphm.
                   Mm rmphm rmphm rhmphm.

        Triumphant music plays, as if Kenny is giving a grand,
        important speech.

                             SATAN
                   Very well, then. I will put an end to the
                   war as your wish and make everything as
                   it was before the war started. But you
                   Kenny, must remain dead.

                             KENNY
                   Mph rm.

        Satan turns to the open abyss.

                             SATAN
                   I must admit, I'm kind of relieved. It's
                   too fucking cold up here.

                             STAN
                   Aren't there cold parts of hell?

                             SATAN
                   Yeah, but it's a real dry cold. Here it's
                   the humidity that gets me. I guess I'm
                   destined to live in hell... alone...

        Sadly, Satan walks back down the trench into hell. But
        something catches his eye.

                             SATAN
                   Hello... What's this?

        Satan bends down and picks up Mr. Hat. He looks at it, and
        then places it gently on his hand.

                             SATAN
                   Hi there, little guy... Would you like to
                   go to hell with me?

                             SATAN (AS MR. HAT)
                   Sure. I bet we can be best friends!

        Satan smiles. And walks down to hell with Mr. Hat.

        The boys walks over to Kenny.

                             KYLE
                   Thank you, Kenny.

                             STAN
                   Yeah, thanks for going back to hell for
                   us. You're a real pal.

        A bright red light flashes and Satan and his minions are
        dragged back down into hell. Kenny is taken along with them.

        At the same time, Garrison, Jimbo, Mackey and all the others
        who died, suddenly and magically appear. They look at
        themselves, wondering what just happened.

        Everyone just stands around in a daze. Canadians and
        Americans alike look at each other and wonder what to do.

                             MR. GARRISON
                   I... I'm alive... Where's Mr. Hat?

                             BIG GAY AL
                   Wow... We were all killed and now we're
                   fine. That's super!

                             KYLE
                   Whew, I'm sure glad that's over.

                             STAN
                   Yeah, but you know, I learned something
                   today.  I learned that getting all worked
                   up over fuck and shit and cockmaster is
                   just stupid... You all focused so hard on
                   erasing profanity that you forgot the
                   most important thing... To love each
                   other.

                             CARTMAN
                   Yeah! You're all a bunch of stupid sons a
                   bitches!

        The boys' parents walk up.

                             STAN
                   Mom, I'm a man. Just a man. And I'm going
                   to have fun with profanity just like you
                   and dad did when you were little.

                             KYLE
                   Yeah, so what if you say uncle raper or
                   dicksucker or, or-

                             KYLE'S MOTHER
                   Shiteater-

                             STAN'S MOTHER
                   -Or monkey fucker-

        They all laugh merrily at their naughtiness.

        Wendy walks up to Stan.

                             WENDY
                   I'm sorry Stan, I guess you really DO get
                   it after all!

        Stan smiles. MUSIC swells.

                             STAN
                   Wendy... How would you like to go get
                   some ice cream?

                             WENDY
                   Sure, Stan! How did you know I loved ice
                   cream?

                             STAN
                   My friend the clitoris told me.

                             WENDY
                   Wow, I have a clitoris too.

                             STAN
                   Really? Where the hell do you keep it?
                   It's huge.

        Wendy grabs Stan and plants a big kiss on him. Stan vomits
        into Wendy's mouth.

                             STAN
                   But Wendy... What about Gregory?

        Gregory stands off to one side, scowling.

                             WENDY
                   Stan, I never cared for Gregory.

                             STAN
                   You didn't?

                             WENDY
                   No, dude. Fuck him. Fuck him in the ear.

                             STAN
                   Cool!

                             WENDY
                       (Singing)
                   Thank my lucky stars
                   Here before me now
                   Is everything I'd ever hoped for-

                             STAN
                   Knew it in a word
                   Saw it in a glance
                   The only thing I think I'd die for

                             STAN AND WENDY
                   I can't stop now... My heart's
                   awake!
                   I pray your arms my arms to take!
                   So this is why I'm alive!

        Now everyone joins hands and starts singing-

                             EVERYONE
                   SHUT YOUR FUCKING FACE, UNCLEFUCKA!
                   YOU'RE A COCK SUCKING ASS RAPING
                   UNCLEFUCKA!
                   YOU'RE AN UNCLEFUCKA, YES IT'S
                   TRUE!
                   NOBODY FUCKS UNCLES QUITE LIKE YOU!
                   UNCLEFUCKAAA!!!

        Kenny's mom and dad come up.

                             KENNY'S DAD
                   This is all so wonderful.  I just wish
                   our little Kenny could see all of this
                   joy.

                             KYLE
                   Oh he can, dude.  Look!

        Kyle points to the sky.  Everyone looks up just in time to
        see a brilliant shooting star across the daytime sky.

        We follow the shooting star and then slowly ZOOM in on it.
        As we get closer, we realize it is actually Kenny, shooting
        towards the heavens.
   
        As TRIUMPHANT MUSIC plays, Kenny's little body floats up and
        up through the clouds. (NOTE:  This will also be done in 3-D
        CGI)

        Rays of light from above bathe his body and he flies up into
        the warmth of the baby blueness.

        Angels encircle him and give him a pair of wings.  They smile
        gently.  He feels calm.  He feels good.

        Amidst a group of angels, Kenny flies upwards and finally...
        into Heaven.

                                                                  END.