Jokes, Plain and Dirty

A Fairy Tale for the assertive Woman
Original post by: Martin J. Kenny
Message-ID: <3c071ac5.4577772@news.earthlink.net>

Once upon a time, in a land far away,

A beautiful, independent, self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues
on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said,
"Elegant Lady,I was once a handsome Prince,
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
"One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back
into the dapper young Prince that I am and then, my sweet,
we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle
with my Mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so."

That night, while dining on lightly sautèed frog legs seasoned in a
white wine and onion cream sauce, the Princess chuckled to herself and thought:

"I don't fucking think so".

Pick Up Lines
Original post by: Girtin8
Message-ID: <eNE76.31594$eB2.3657778@news.infostrada.it>

Dear dwellers and lurkers,
I found this lovely list of pick up lines and I thought that they might really help some of those guys out there who find this peculiar "art" rather difficult in a language that is not theirs; and if this is not your problem, well, you never know :-)) Some are charming, some are cheeky, some are cheesy, but they all have one thing in common, they'll make you smile at least a bit.

That dress looks nice....Of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner of my room.

Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven's a long way from here.

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

Your name is Sandra, huh? Can I call you Sandy? Really, what time?

Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?

Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation?
No, huh...So you want to go somewhere and talk?

(Female at the copy machine) Reproducing, eh? Mind if I help?

Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples....

(With hands on shoulders) Oh, those are shoulder blades, I thought they were wings.

Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

Was it love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

Bond. James Bond.

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.) Him: I like nothing better.

That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.

Good looking waitress pouring a drink: Say when! Guy: As soon as I finish this drink.

Lie down. I think I love you.

I can sense that you're a terrific lover, and it intimidates me a little.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate.

You know I really am James Bond's body double.

Do you have a library card? Good, cause I wanna check you out!

Your warm eyes melt the iciness of my heart.

Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look like tomorrow!

Let's go back to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway!

My name is ______. Just remember that, so you'll know what to scream later.

Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

I've had a pretty bad day, and it usually makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

Overheard in a computer lab: Just because our computers are incompatible doesn't mean we are!

I have only three months to live...

If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.

Want to see my stamp collection?

How do you like your eggs cooked? Why? Well I just wanted to know what to make for you in the morning.

Hi, we're taking a survey and I need your phone number. If you give it to me, I'll call you and tell you the results.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!! MY JAW!!

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly color coordinated.

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

You make my software turn to hardware!

Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

The Fable of the Fox's Fax
Original post by: anonymous
Message-ID: -

THE FABLE OF THE FOX'S FAX
by Frank

Based _very_ loosely on a true story.
(G-rated version; use your imagination.)

Fox faced a fix; Fox couldn't fax, for Fox's fax was fried.
"Fax failure forfeits fortunes faxing flax futures," figured Fox, frantically phoning Phoebe the Frugal Fax Fixer from Phoenix, who features fast fax fixes for flat fees of fifty French Francs.
"Fix my freaking fax!" Fox fumed furiously.
Phoebe's fastest field fax-fixer, Pheasant, flew to Fox's flat.
Pheasant found flocks of faulty fuses, a familiar foible of funky faxes from Formosa. Fetching fistfuls of fresh fuses forced Fox's fax to function with flawless finesse, faithfully focusing phalanxes of photons in phase with faraway photoelectron flux.
"Phooey!" Fox fussed, flipping Pheasant the finger.
"I fail to fathom fifty French francs for fifteen-pfennig fuses. Forget fiscal funds for fallacious fax-fix!"
Pheasant fervently feared fowl finagling, for Pheasant failed to find her father following the forementioned fox's fax-fix fiasco four fortnights from February.
Pheasant found feathers festooning Fox's foyer, and feared Fox feasted on Father.
Pheasant flew forthwith, fleeing Fox's flat.
Pheasant fingered Fox, forwarding fiendishly-forged fax to feds.
Federal fuzz ferreted Fox's fingerprints and fined Fox for filching fuses, fomenting forest fires, fencing foreign freon, fleecing folks with fraudulent faxed flax-futures, and felonious failure to file flat flax-fax tax.
Fox filibustered futilely, and finally fell afoul of a frizzy female
fed who fired flintlocks and fancied fox fur.

Moral: Fare fixers fairly or face fur-fetched frustration.