I guess they call it "falling" in love for a reason and that might explain why people who like to stay in control try to steer clear of love. Resist or fail? I mean fall. Or did I?

I was asked to start this page to discuss what I thought about the heart and by inference, love. To be sure, there is nothing in my background that makes me an expert. However, I have seen a thing or two in my time. That time would refer to four years of high school and four years of college.

Defying convention comes to mind. Society seems to have rules about dating, love, relationships and the like that refuse to be defined clearly. I know I have spent more than my fair amount of time trying to figure it out and some of you have heard my ramblings to that effect. Sometimes, though, happiness comes down to the right girl smiling at you. She does not have to be your girl and you do not have to be in love with her, I think. Just seeing someone special acknowledge me with a caring thought or gesture makes me smile, too. As for true love, they tell me that when it comes, I will know for sure, and to stop thinking so much about it.

Maybe I should explain a little about what the red and blue heart mean. My first cure for a broken heart was to let it freeze in place. Maybe that worked, but I cannot say for sure. However, it did allow me to look at everything in life slightly differently. Being cold and indifferent while pretending to care allows one to slowly step away from life and reconsider it from an outsider's perspective. I found I could 'predict', with greater accuracy, the personalities and actions of the people around me. Ironically, as I came to gain greater insight into people, I lost parts of my own humanity. I was less involved and did not care enough.

It would be friends I did not even know I had yet that would draw me back, either from glancing pensively out the window or from broodingly writing a note in the dark. Slowly, the heart melted and I faced a new world around me--the world of the 15049. Darker, yes. Cynical, yes. Yet, I was more caring and less inclined to let go. A smile meant more and I found it.

The world frustrates me and sometimes I have to ask why I come to within five minutes of realizing a dream before I wake up. Deep in my heart, I know it is because everything has to happen the way they do so that happiness will come, and it has. I need the protection of the inner sanctum, so that I may focus on doing my part, even if at times it is with a cold touch. For, "it is remarkable to be cold as ice and still as hot as fire."

P.S. Feelings change over time, don't hold me to everything I say at 1:30 on a Monday morning.